At 14 months old, Roman has begun to experience his very first little temper tantrums. The first caught me by surprise at our local bakery: we were sharing a smoothie, Roman kept insisting on pulling out the straw and waving it around splattering smoothie juice everywhere. When I tried to put the straw back and redirect him, his whole body tensed up and he squealed and waved his fists in the air. After the second little “fit” I put him in his stroller and made a swift exit. Later that evening a similar temper tantrum was thrown at home, only this time he added a little “turn around and knock all the toys over” maneuver. My husband sat across the room with his hands over his face, trying to muffle his hysterical laughter.

The “fits” have continued on occasion in a similar fashion ever since. Tried and true “redirection” is no longer cutting it. At his current age, we are finding the task of guiding appropriate behavior quite challenging. When he’s throwing handfuls of cheerios out of his snack cup onto the floor at the grocery store giggling with a huge smile on his face, it is just so hard to look at him seriously and correct him in a convincing tone. My theoretical goal of being “consistent” is not as simple as it sounded to my pre-toddler possessing self.

Since becoming pregnant with Roman, I’ve been reading articles about parenting, filling my head with theories about how I will raise him. I read a lot about discipline in particular because it’s an area I feared would not come naturally. From what I’ve read I decided I’d have to set clear boundaries, establish consistency in their rules and routines, and always follow through. My parenting fantasies focused on somewhat rational beings around the age of three. I imagined myself reasoning with my sweet sophisticated child, molding him into a respectful, well mannered little man. I recently came across this article, “Why We Aren’t The Parents We Know We Could Be” in which the author explains, “Of course, there are all sorts of reasons why knowing better doesn’t always translate into doing better: we’re busy and exhausted, we’re lazy and set in our ways. Plus it isn’t always obvious when and how the abstract applies to the concrete.”

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This issue of recognizing how to apply the abstract to the concrete is where I find myself suddenly facing realizations about the challenges of putting these parenting philosophies into practice. Life is so nuanced and so far what I’ve learned as a parent is that as much as I’ve read and informed myself on all possible parenting choices and methods, whether the issue of the moment was sleep or feeding or behavior, I went with my instincts — with what came naturally to me and felt right for my baby. My parenting style fell right into my own rhythm as a person, (I was just never going to be the regimented, on schedule, sleep training, do it all perfectly type of mom) which seems quite obvious now, but at the time I thought there was some “best” way to be decided on. So as I venture into this new phase of toddlerhood with all of its exciting milestones and challenges, I wonder if my “motherly instincts” are going to align with my “motherly intellect.” Suddenly I worry that I’ll start making mistakes that will set a completely misguided foundation for future behavior. Does knowing that “knowing better” doesn’t translate naturally into “doing better” help, I wonder?

I try to be as “free range” as you can with a 14 month old, letting him explore, drawing the line only when a situation is unsafe or unhealthy. Now I wonder if this is making the “rules” less clear for Roman. He can pull one thing out of the cabinet and not the other, sometimes he can stir the pot and sometimes he cannot. It is all so confusing and frustrating at his age. He has recently learned the words and concepts “hot” and “uh oh” which makes me hopeful that other similar developments and more understanding are just around the corner. However, I feel certain that he understands, “no” and just chooses to ignore me. He occasionally waves his finger and shakes his head at something to indicate he’s grasped the explanation, but most of the time he proceeds with whatever it is he was trying to do as if he cannot hear me. If he’s a naturally defiant resistor of authority than I have no one but myself to thank, whether its genes or karma, it’s coming from me… maybe that’s why I worry. (Cue my mother’s knowing grin here.)

Right now I’m working on removing him from the frustrating situation (or removing the object of frustration) as quickly as possible, keeping a calm and reassuring tone and always explaining the reason behind the rule (even if he cannot understand yet). I try not to makes statements I will not follow through on (that one is hard) and I always keep in mind that he lives in a confusing world in which he is on a constant exploratory mission.

How do you handle your young toddler’s temper tantrums? Have your ideas on discipline and guiding behavior changed from experience (shattering all of your pre-parenthood delusions)?