{Always checking what’s on the horizon…}

{Just another long-lost blogger here, popping back up.}

So, what happened?! Life happened. Apparently when the going gets tough, the tough go hide in a deep, dark hole. At least that’s what this tough girl did.

Really though. I’ve alluded to the rough transition here. It’s still very rough. And it’s slowly becoming obvious that there is a long, long road ahead. (Ok, ok… I’m slowly accepting that there’s a long road ahead. Many would argue that’s been obvious for months now!) We’re making forward progress but it’s in itty bitty baby steps. Steps that sometimes move back a whole lot before they move forward. Steps that I really, really wish were leaps and bounds over vast distances.

I knew we wouldn’t become insta-family the moment we landed. I knew it would take some time, and some a lot of work. But it never occurred to me that over 8 months later, we’d still very much be in a transition/adjustment phase. I’m ready to be done with all the transitions here and just be. (Someone please tell me if life is just a series of transitions… I’m going to need to start accepting that if it’s true. But make sure I’m sitting first, ok?!) I’m not really exaggerating when I say that many—most—of my days are spent working on Pint-Sized’s issues. As most adoptive parents will tell you, attachment is never-ending work in progress. I knew that going in. What I didn’t know is that the child I was bringing home was also going to be very angry, and very stubborn. So, all this attachment work takes a lot more time, energy, and effort. And a whole lot of tough skin. Cause let me tell you… it’s HARD. It’s hard to hold a child who is raging because he’s just angry at the *whole entire* world. It’s hard to be the person who has to ask help of other parents often so that big brother doesn’t miss out on opportunities. It’s hard to be the person who hears a child laugh and doesn’t realize it’s her own because it’s such a foreign sound.

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And, it’s very hard to love a child who doesn’t want to be loved. At least not by me. I hope—I know—that it will come with time. For now, I’d be happy if he could trust me unconditionally. (Respect would also be nice… but I’m pretty sure toddlers don’t know the meaning of that word!) It’s hard on the days where you don’t see progress and you feel like you just took eight giant steps backwards. It’s hard to wake up and do it all over again when yesterday classified as a no-good, very bad, horrible day.

I’m ready to be a family. I’m ready to feel like a family. We’re not there yet. And most days I don’t even feel like we are close!

So what are we doing?! We’re fakin’ it. Big time. Behind the scenes we are working very hard on adjustment and attachment, we’re working on becoming that family we all envisioned. In front of the camera though, it’s all smiles and “isn’t it a wonderful day?!” We do our absolute best to avoid all of Pint-Sized’s triggers, but when it’s not possible we ensure we have a back up plan—or five—in place. We’re no longer turning down plans that may impact his transition. Instead, we have trusted friends and confidantes in place to help. (I should be clear that we absolutely avoid plans that will absolutely set off his triggers.) We’re scheduling family shoots and planning the holidays. We’re focusing on planning the life we want, and not on living the life we have. For now, we aren’t living in the moment. We’re working very hard in these moments to make the ones that come in the future that much better.

And some days there are those moments… those bright shining moments where magna-tile towers are being built and giggles abound, moments where two boys are cuddled up on the couch intently watching shows on the ipad, moments where I feel like we will—one day—be that family I envisioned when we started this journey. Moments where that light at the end of the tunnel I keep referring to shines a bit brighter.

In the meantime though… we’re here. We’re just doing our best, day in and day out, to get to “the good life.”

{A rare, but precious, moment of sheer joy!}