One of my closest friends, a yoga teacher, recently said to me: “the cruelest part of pregnancy is how you see yourself.”
At first blush, this sounds pretty harsh, doesn’t it? Of course she told me this after I had once again been on a rant because I found myself comparing my pregnant self to a friend who is about 4 months farther along than me. Needless to say, in my eyes, she is the epitome of what women want to look like during pregnancy: fit, toned, and no sign of being pregnant other than a basketball fastened to her mid section.
Over three years ago, when we started trying to conceive with our first child, I had never considered how my pregnancy would take shape in my body. I must have picked up assumptions and judgments throughout my life about it because I fully assumed I would be having the type of pregnancy my friend was having. My reality was quite different.
I experienced pregnancy sickness (not morning sickness, all-day sickness) starting about week 7. I felt such a lack of control. I ate just to get through the days and stave off nausea. And not my regular diet, oh no. No vegetable or meat made its way into my mouth and I had limited tolerance for fruits. I wanted bread, pasta, or potatoes, which often made me feel worse after I ate them.
I could not keep up my regular fitness regime, mostly due to being sick, but also because I was tired. Normally I practiced power vinyasa yoga in a heated room and I was an avid runner (I ran a marathon the month before I got pregnant). Both were not an option in early pregnancy. I felt bloated and unhappy.
Then there were the “regular” pregnancy changes I was experiencing: lightheadedness, shortness of breath, tight ligaments, acne, excessive burping, mood swings, and constipation. I got a weird rash on my upper thighs and my oral hygienist even told me I was had pregnancy-induced gingivitis! I’m just glad I skated off with these conditions and it wasn’t a lot worse. All the while, everyone told me, don’t fret, all of this is perfectly normal.
My weight gain, while also in the “normal” range, was frankly freaking me out. It seemed like the last place I started showing was my belly! I added bulk in my arms, back, hips, butt, thighs, and even around my face and neck. Because weight is something so visible, this was the hardest part for me. All of those preconceptions and judgments I had formed came into play every time I looked at myself. Why didn’t I look like the maternity models, the ones with the thin arms and slim hips and a perfectly round belly? Why didn’t I look like my friends, who practiced yoga in sports bras and skin tight pants, proudly sporting their bellies and fat-free bodies?
For context, I was never one of those people who had body issues. I grew up and managed to escape the puberty/teenage years with a good self esteem and body image. I’ve always eaten well and exercised, but that was more of a lifestyle choice; I didn’t do it to look a certain way. I probably went on a handful of diets throughout my life. Sure there were things I wished were different about my body, but I never remember being self conscious or feeling unhappy with my physique. [Note to self: figure out how my parents were able to raise a girl with great body esteem.]
So when I found myself totally and utterly preoccupied with my weight during pregnancy, I was in unchartered territory. When I would voice this to Missus Scooter or my friends, they would only say, “Oh, you’re so silly! You look beautiful.” Don’t get me wrong, this is what they have to say (and probably meant it)! But because I didn’t believe it, it never resonated with me and I always felt patronized. Was I actually experiencing some sort of pregnancy-induced body dysmorphia???
There were also the questions (which were more like statements) from the rest of the world: “awww, isn’t being pregnant the best?” and “don’t you feel amazing?” or “this is the best time of your life isn’t it?” and “I always felt soooo good during my pregnacy, don’t you?” Each time this would happen, it would chip away at my self esteem, making me feel quite guilty that I actually couldn’t relate to those feelings at all. I would smile sweetly and say, “oh yes” in response while inside feeling everything from guilt to shame to rage.
Then came postpartum. Again I found myself caught in the comparison game. I was under the impression I would “bounce right back” since I was breastfeeding. If I am honest, I thought I would shed my baby weight and be looking great in two weeks tops (don’t laugh so hard).
“Comparison is the thief of joy”
– Theodore Roosevelt
All right, all right, as a naturally upbeat person, I feel compelled to put a stop to all this complaining! I think you get the point. At the end of the day, I am grateful for having gone through pregnancy in the way that I did. I have so much more compassion and less judgment for other women and myself. It has been a concrete reminder about the poison of comparison. Having a solid yoga practice in my life, many classes are themed on comparing yourself to others and the fact that the only thing it will bring you is sadness. I thought I got it. Then I got pregnant and started to make peace that I obviously needed some focus here. I have a tendency to “master” something and then move on. Life doesn’t work this way. I have work to do; I always will.
Now that I am pregnant again, I was prepared for the feelings that would come up and I fully expected it would be the same as before. I am giving myself a lot more grace this time around though. It doesn’t mean that I still don’t compare myself to others, I do. And it doesn’t mean that I don’t curse about my back fat, I do. But I was prepared and that has seemed to help quite a lot.
Another one of my dearest friends, also a yoga teacher, gave me this quote:
“Personality begins where comparison leaves off. Be unique. Be memorable. Be confident. Be proud.”
– Shannon L. Alder
I absolutely adore this and try to keep it fresh in my mind as I work through this pregnancy. But how applicable is this quote to…well, everything?? Becoming a parent is the biggest reminder to avoid that tricky comparison pitfall. Instead, just be you.
[Author’s note: I really love posts with pictures, I think they are much more interesting. But I couldn’t find any pictures that I would be happy with posting, given the subject matter. What can I say, I am still a work in progress!]
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How did being pregnant surprise you? Did you find yourself having a different pregnancy than you expected?
honeydew / 7622 posts
Honestly, I feel awesome about my body during pregnancy, I am 23 weeks now. I have always maintained a healthy weight, and generally feel good about the way I look. Pregnancy has made me feel ever better than I usually do about myself physically, the weight gain is for a good cause
seeing my body change makes me feel a little bit in awe of how amazing the whole process is. Now, I was expecting something totally differnt. I thought pregnancy would be really tough on my body image and I’m glad I’ve been able to be kind to myself, and I’m glad to hear you are trying to be kinder to yourself this time too. I know everyone has a differnt expirence, thank you for sharing yours.
wonderful grape / 20453 posts
I
this post. Pregnancy does nasty things to my body, including exasperating an ugly skin disorder that leaves me looking, well, diseased. And i raged inside every time someone implied I should feel great/beautiful/whatever. Nope. I feel like crap and my body is weird and I can’t wait to feel like myself again. And stop trying to touch me. That’s all
Inevitably, I find that you say “wow i feel/look shitty” then someone says “Funny, I feel AMAZEBALLS!”…..lol. At least that’s my experience IRL
cantaloupe / 6730 posts
I like this post! I never had the mirror bug me as much (perhaps because I was never slim to start with), but almost everything you are saying can be applied to my pregnancy anyways. All the little side-effects, the lack of control, I found it so so hard. It did weird things to my psyche and all the people that looooooved being pregnant drove me crazy. I just wanted to be commiserated with.
pear / 1837 posts
This, exactly. I swore this time around I would exercise and maintain my high level of fitness that I had before I got pregnant. Then I got diagnosed with an SCH and am not allowed to exercise at all. So not only am I gaining weight/looking like I look pregnant (which is not how my also pregnant friend looks), I can’t deal with my issues/depression through exercise like I usually would. Obviously, this baby is a gift and I’m so pleased to be having him, but I look and feel yucky. (It doesn’t help when people assume I’m further along/”about to have this baby” because I just get a big belly when I’m pregnant. Nope, 4 months to go!)
guest
I felt super fat at first but as I got bigger (and I was HUGE! He was a 10lb baby) I started to feel much better. I was one who just gained in my tummy, but everyone told me it must be twins or triplets with how big I was. My issues have come since giving birth. He was an emergency c section and 10lbs, so I have not bounced back AT ALL. I still look 4-5 months pregnant on any given day, while I have friends who were back in pre pregnancy jeans 3 weeks after. It’s a tough road for sure
grapefruit / 4988 posts
Thank you for this post. I felt the same way during my pregnancy. It took me by surprise since I had a pretty good body image beforehand. Post-partum was really hard too. I hope to be kinder to myself the next time around.
persimmon / 1270 posts
Thank you so so so much for this post! It’s shocking having my body change so fast. It is such a processes of letting go and finding love and understanding for where I am. I know this is just the start (at 25w) of something that will continue for a long time.
blogger / clementine / 750 posts
Such a refreshing post! I LOVED being pregnant the first time and probably felt the most confident I’ve ever felt in my body during that time. But this second pregnancy is making me feel much, much different. I’m the same weight as last time, but i’m gaining it in different places and I just feel overall “blah” and “frumpy.” Clothes aren’t fitting as cute as they did last time, and I’m just in a completely different place as far as pregnancy image goes.
coconut / 8279 posts
YES. I had always envisioned myself as the stylish pregnant lady but I just wasn’t. It started out great, I loved dressing my bump, felt good. By 28 weeks I developed PIH which turned into pre-e and I gained a TON of weight/fluid. Shoes no longer fit, everything was swollen and hurt. And I couldn’t do anything at all because I was on bedrest until delivery. It was completely out of my control and I hated it.
I didn’t feel good until about 9 months PP when things went back to normal, but body started to feel more like my body again.
clementine / 880 posts
I was just talking about this with my SO this weekend. Everyone keeps telling me “you don’t even look pregnant!” but i’m 24 weeks and i feel incredibly chubby compared to my “normal”. I wore a dress this weekend that used to fit me sooo well and my rib cage has expanded, i don’t have the “hourglass” indent anymore, just straight down, and i have lots of extra fluff that was leaving bra lines/panty lines/panty hose lines that i’m not used to knowing how to hide! I felt completely uncomfortable and unattractive, and everyone was telling me i looked like i’m not pregnant, which made me feel like i must look like this all the time! ugh! so hard to get used to all these changes and feel confident
coffee bean / 38 posts
Very resonant post! I’ve often joked that I’m allergic to pregnancy, or pregnancy intolerant, and I think for some women it’s just harder on their bodies and minds. You don’t know what those hormones are going to do until they hit you! ‘Comparison is the thief of joy’ is one of my favourite quotes and I used it as a mantra through my MC’s. I’m really working on shifting my focus to wellness rather than appearance. Doing what I can to help me feel my best, and not beating myself up for what isn’t going to work on that day.
pomegranate / 3225 posts
Love This Post! It Is so hard. I’ve gained 38 lbs twice now, and it didn’t melt off… Sigh.
blogger / cherry / 247 posts
@blackbird – hahaha, i totally get it!
@lulabee – i’m so sorry to hear about the SCH and correlating side effects. i have had comments this time around about how i’m already showing SO much. love it when people say that. lol
@ nikki – post partum body stuff is definitely a reality. it’s hard, and from what i have heard, rebounding from a C-section is even harder.
@rachiecakes – the lack of control is the worst, isn’t it?!
@laughlines – totally get all of that! the bra line/panty line thing is distressing!
@kml636 – *sigh