It’s amazing how two little lines can change your world.

As I write this I am currently sitting in limbo, unsure about the future this line represents. To say this pregnancy caught me of guard would be fair, and if that was the only issue I wouldn’t feel as frozen as I do now. The blood that proceeded this line is what keeps my mind from being able to see a future, see a positive, see a happy ending that this line should mean.

Backtracking a little to the days before this line showed up, I was expecting my period to arrive as usual. As it happened I was at a wedding when a trip to the restroom produced the start of my period that I had been anticipating. I ate, laughed, danced, and enjoyed myself as I do at every wedding never noticing how my period seemed different this time, until I arrived home to a lot less blood than I typically have. This seemed rather odd since my period is consistent — consistently heavy, consistently present, and consistently punctual. Still it was a long day filled with joy and fun, and perhaps for once I was getting a freebie from Aunt Flo with a slow beginning.

The next morning I was greeted by an even bigger surprise — no blood at all. Now things were making less sense. Of all the blessings in my life, a short, light period has never been one. All Sunday I waited, wondering if any of the foods I ate the previous day or the stress of my daily life had halted my period suddenly for some unexplained reason. On Monday I awoke to a clean pad once again. After some quick morning errands I found myself in the family planning aisle at Target. A small voice in my head had talked me there and after seeing 2 First Response test for $6, an incredible steal in the world of pregnancy tests, it was like fate was steering me toward this possibility. I played back the month in my mind. How could I possibly be pregnant? We did it once the entire month, and it was a day or so right after my period ended — the least likely time to conceive in my mind. I bought the tests all the while doing the math, making sure I wasn’t missing anything.

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I toyed with testing all day; every moment I waited was a chance for my period to finally roar its way in ending all the questions. Every time I went to the bathroom I held the test in my hand, wondering if I ought to just end the suspense. On one particular trip, one where I wasn’t even 100% sure I had to actually go, I took a chance and stuck the stick into the stream. Even as I went I cursed myself for giving in to temptation when clearly my period was about to arrive, and I had so little pee I barely covered the stick. As I watched the liquid slowly flow across the window, I knew this had been a mistake; I hadn’t peed long enough and now I just wasted a perfectly good test. As I was about to throw the test away, two small pink lines started to appear. I squinted… was this really happening? One minute later I was staring at the picture you see above. Unconvinced I texted my best friend to make sure my eyes weren’t crossed, and she texted back wondering what my confusion was about. It was clear as day apparently; I was pregnant… but what was that blood on Saturday??

I immediately called my doctor and thankfully there was an appointment available in a few hours. Mentally I tried to assess what the blood could be –implantation bleeding? I had bled with previous pregnancies, so maybe this was just the way my body reacted? Still the sight of that red blood gushing out on Saturday, what I thought was the start of my usual period, haunted my mind. It was red. It was gushing. It was red.

A few hours later I sat on the doctor’s table waiting to be examined. After a brief exam and conversation, my doctor concluded things looked ok. I had a closed cervix and a positive test, but the answer to the blood question could only be answered with beta testing. The office took a blood sample and asked me to return in 2 days’ times to do another draw. The only way to conclusively know how this pregnancy was faring would be rising beta numbers.

As I write this both draws have been completed and the waiting game begins. This pregnancy was certainly unexpected — we had wanted to wait a little longer before trying for what would be our last child. As the minutes tick by I find myself in both camps, wondering if this is the baby that will complete our family, to rationalizing that if things don’t turn out well, we had wanted more time. Either way it feels like a mixed blessing we don’t know to celebrate or mourn. Do we dare hope? Do we expect the worst? I dream about this baby in the same breath I fear a miscarriage.

And so we wait… wait for a call, wait for numbers, wait for the future to reveal itself.