This post was written on January 23, 2015.

Well, dear friends, it’s officially time to call the game.  As I’ve written about here and here, I really, really wanted to have a VBAC. At 39 weeks, with no dilation in site, I was discouraged but I still had hope that in the next couple of weeks things would kick into gear. At my 40 weeks appointment, I had had very few contractions that week, and I didn’t have high hopes for progress but I was hopeful to be proven wrong. Still nothing. Today, as I walked into my 41-week appointment, I knew what awaited me and honestly, I felt mostly at peace about it. No progress: I was still only a fingertip dilated even after several episodes of timable contractions for several hours this week. My doctor, a kind man, complimented me on being one of the most patient women he’s ever had and told me that most women he sees for VBACs don’t wait nearly this long. If only he knew how impatient I have felt the last two weeks!

I might have teared up a tiny bit while we talked about how the c-section would go and when it would be, but not because I felt disappointed at not having a VBAC or because of any feelings like my body failed me. At this point, it’s mostly just a lot of hormones and a general nervousness about having surgery and how all three of my boys will do in the next few weeks that has me on edge.

I am glad I chose to continue for the last two weeks, even though the result is the same as if I would have scheduled my c-section at 39 weeks. I know that I gave it my best shot and I won’t look back and have any “what if”s lingering in my mind.  After my last round of contractions on Wednesday, which involved about 5 hours of timeable contractions that stopped like they’ve been doing every time, I just felt like it was the end for this particular hope. While I’ll probably never know why my body hangs on to its babies so tight, I feel like this time it may be one of a couple of reasons. Even at almost 41 weeks, I have feel very little pressure on my pelvis or cervix. I have a day or hour now and then where I get “lightening crotch” or feel like my hips are going to break, but it’s few and far between. It makes me wonder if the baby is in a position that is just a little bit off and therefore, when I have contractions there isn’t really pressure in quite the right place to make me dilate.

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The other thing that has bounced around in my mind is that maybe there’s another reason I don’t know about that my body and my baby stop labor from really going. From the time we knew this baby was on his way, we’ve prayed that I would be able to have a vaginal delivery if, and only if, it would be safe for both of us. Maybe the cord is wrapped around him. Maybe my scar isn’t as strong as it should be. Maybe any one of many complications is present. Maybe my prayers are actually being answered by my body’s refusal to go into labor.

I feel good about trying for a VBAC and I feel good about having the decision made and time set for my c-section. I don’t feel discouraged or let down  I’m proud that my body is really good at growing and carrying its babies, even though going into labor doesn’t seem to be its cup of tea.

I do have some nerves as I now prepare for a fairly imminent c-section date. It’s the first time I’ve had surgery since the boys were born, and it feels like a weightier matter now. I have two little people that count on me and need their mama and there is always a risk inherent in every surgery (and actually, every delivery of any baby by any method). Thankfully, we have great doctors and hospitals now that can do so much to save a person even when things go really wrong, but it is still a teeny tiny bit scary. I want everything to be okay with my little boy, and I want all three of my boys to have a healthy mama in the end, too. I also worry about how Elliot & Finn will handle my recovery. They are only 22 months old and are too young to understand the concept of surgery or why I can pick up a baby, but I can’t pick up their sweet little 30-pound selves. I think I had a decent recovery from my c-section last time, but it’s still an abdominal surgery and I’m not exactly giddy about the pain, especially since I have some medication allergies and am limited in what they can prescribe me.

I want to say a quick thanks for all your supportive comments on my posts about attempting this VBAC. They were very much needed and meant so much to me. I wouldn’t go back and change anything if I could, even knowing that the path led me back to a c-section, and I hope my experience won’t discourage others from shooting for a VBAC if it’s what you want.

The next time you hear from me, I hope to be regaling you with tales of a great c-section and nauseating you with incessant chatter about (and pictures of) the newest Baby Blue!  Farewell for now!