D has a favorite song. It’s not from Sesame Street, or a Disney movie, or a cartoon of any kind. It’s Tu Meri from the Bollywood movie, Bang Bang with the oh-so-attractive Hrithik Roshan.
Still from the song courtesy of aisakya.in
The video is pretty entertaining (lots of dancers!) and the song is very catchy. Mr. T always plays music for the kids, often choosing songs from Tamil and Bollywood movies. D fell in love with Tu Meri and requests it all the time. You may wonder how he requests it, given that he doesn’t talk yet, but he does lots of pointing and whining! When we do his nebulizer treatments, this video is one of the few choices that he will happily sit through over and over until the treatment is finished. K is totally sick of hearing/seeing it, and sometimes says, “oh no, not again!” while D smiles since he recognizes the intro as soon as it starts, and meanwhile I’ve memorized the Hindi lyrics!
Okay okay, I’m getting to the point. This song has become a major piece of evidence in an ongoing debate in the Tiger house (den?). Mr. T likes to joke about how D is his and K is mine, and D’s joy at hearing this song over and over and over is his newest favorite point. Mr. T tends to have a favorite song and listen to it on repeat for days or weeks on end, until he switches to a new song. I prefer to listen to a more diverse mix, and too many times on repeat drives me crazy! D and K seem to have inherited these preferences.
K’s always been a mommy’s boy. Maybe it was the year+ of breastfeeding, or just all that attention and energy I had back when it was just him. He loves Mr. T dearly of course, but in any type of stressful situation, he strongly prefers me. This is in spite of Mr. T working at home for the first 2 years of K’s life! I think D used to prefer me when he was very little (I was the one who visited him daily at the NICU, after all) but has since grown out of it. He likes me just fine, but I’m totally third string – behind Mr. T and my MIL. Sometimes it really hurts my feelings!
When I get home from work, D knows my MIL is going to leave and he starts clinging to her. He cries when she leaves 80% of the time. Same thing if Mr. T is home and heading out somewhere; D is absolutely heartbroken that he doesn’t get to come too. He quickly forgets about being sad and gets distracted playing, but that sting is still there! Maybe D’s preference grinds on me because of the guilt I feel for not staying overnight at the NICU more. I’m also the one who takes D to all the doctor’s appointments and holds him down to get poked and prodded – maybe he’s holding it against me? Maybe I feel guilty about how strongly K prefers me. After all, it’s fair for me to get one and Mr. T to get one, right?
Most people also tell us that K resembles me and D resembles Mr. T. So far, K looks white (albeit with a darker complexion than his blonde haired cousins) while D looks more “mixed” or Indian. In the NICU I sometimes got questions about why my baby was so brown — sometimes worded that way, sometimes slightly more politely. I don’t think Mr. T’s ever gotten any questions about why K is so white/fair – but maybe a part of him is just happy to have his own mini-me now.
It’s too early to know if this is a phase or a lifelong connection with D that I’ll miss out on, although that’s probably being a touch dramatic. I hope at least that I can be a pillar of something for each of the boys as they grow – whether that’s strength, kindness, emotional support, or even a reliable source of good food! I’ll work on getting D back on Team Mommy and let you guys know if I’m successful.
Do your LOs have parental preferences? Do they come and go in phases? If you’re not the favorite parent, how do you deal?
coconut / 8279 posts
such a gorgeous family
J goes back and forth. Sometimes when he’s playing with DH he’ll say, “Mama, go away, I don’t want you” Nice.
And if DH tells him not to throw his toys or to stop yelling/jumping/etc. he’ll come running to me.
Because J looks like me with DH’s coloring, I wonder if we were to have a second, if he/she would look like DH with my coloring (red hair!).
pomelo / 5628 posts
My D didn’t switch to a mommy preference until sometime last summer. And I’ve regretting inviting grandma places before because he odten won’t let me touch him when grandma is around!
kiwi / 511 posts
My boys go through phases with our youngest (2.5 years) this can be daily
which actually helps since I know it won’t last long. For the youngest I have no idea why on non sick days he goes back and forth. The older seems to prefer me when he is growing or working out something that bothers him and he feels unsafe. Both boys when sick prefer me with one exception. If I am the one taking one of them to the doctor’s office they want their Daddy, if he is taking them to the doctor’s office they want their Mommy and if we are both there they just want home. Which is pretty smart I think they just want to be where the doctor isn’t and they feel safe and comfortable but that is the most heartbreaking time for me.
I am getting better at but by no means perfect at embracing not being the preferred parent because it means I can get some stuff done. When I am preferred parent it means that one or both of the boys want to be physically attached to me in some way.
blogger / cherry / 204 posts
My son prefers my husband. We used to think this was because he saw him less and just wanted to take advantage of the time he had with him, but its pretty clear to me now that he has developed a stronger attachment to his father. He actually seems to just prefer men in general, when meeting new people he gravitates towards our males friends. When he was a baby I was the one he always needed, if he was crying or upset I was the one who could save the day, I feel like I’ve lost that power every time he reaches for his dad when he’s crying or tired and that makes me a little sad. He has moments or short phases where he’ll switch, sometimes he’ll even switch to prefer one of his grandparents, so he’s pretty fickle really, but I have no doubt that if he had to pick one parent to spend the day with, it would be my husband. I have secret hopes that our daughter will prefer me, and not so secret fears that she’ll be a daddy’s girl.
blogger / nectarine / 2608 posts
Ellie is pretty consistently team dad, and Lorelei is team mom. It’s a little hard when you aren’t the favorite sometimes, isn’t it? But it’s also nice seeing a special bond with the other parent. I get hurt sometimes that Ellie will pick Mr. T over me for different things, but also feel really good that she has him, because tempermentally they are a much easier match and I think she’d go nuts with over-emotional mom only. I think your bond with D (and K) will continue to deepen and strengthen over time, and I know you are already so many important pillars to them already. You are one awesome mom.
pomegranate / 3643 posts
My oldest has always preferred my husband. Even as a baby, he would never calm down with me unless he was nursing. Now, the only time he prefers me is if he is scared.
Sometimes it frustrates me. We have family around a lot, and I am the only one enforcing a schedule or rules (even just stuff like wiping his nose or changing his diaper right after nap!) So I think he thinks I’m the mean one a lot. It’s frustrating because I do know what he needs more than others. Also, when he was a newborn, several times I had people take him out of my arms when he was crying. It really shook my confidence and took me a long time to get over. I think that affected our relationship some.
Lo2 seems to be a Mommy’s boy so far. I joke that it’s only fair that I get one now!
watermelon / 14206 posts
M prefers DH and that’s fine by me. I was a single mom for D, and it’s still just me with him, so i get a break with M. M loves me, but I’m glad to not have him wrapped around me all day. Plus, it helps D to not have to compete for me.
coconut / 8079 posts
The song on repeat part made me giggle. We have been listening to/watching nursery rhymes on YouTube whenever T eats because it helps him relax. I understand K’s “not again!” reaction!!
So far T has a big mommy preference, but who knows what will happen as he grows.
blogger / pineapple / 12381 posts
We have such a mix of biology and non shared biology in our family, that things are forever interesting. Right now both girls are mama’s girls.
I had to laugh about the Bollywood favorites. My girls are obsessed with Indian Sesame Street. We were listening to Galli Galli Sim Sim over and over and my oldest said, “I just can’t help it mama, it sounds like a dance party!!!”
persimmon / 1328 posts
Both my kids seem to be more team mommy (although with Charlie it is harder to tell). DD loves daddy and asks him to do things with him, but I am her source of comfort. Charlie calms down more when I am near than with DH, but that might change as time goes on. On some level I hope DH gets “his kid.” I know it makes him feel bad when DD gives me more love than him.
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I LOOOOVE that Tu Meri song! It’s really awesome and catchy. I can see why your son likes it too. I had it on repeat for quite some time when I first heard it
blogger / pomegranate / 3044 posts
@rachiecakes: I get the “I’m not your friend anymore mommy!” sometimes! You know there’s only one way to figure out what a 2nd would look like
@Mrs.Maven: @Dandelion: That’s true, it is easier not having two kids cling to my legs and try to make dinner! I’ll try to look on the bright side
@Mrs. Pom Pom: K preferred men when he was younger too! I attributed it to Mr. T working at home at that time – maybe boys just like big boys. I hope your daughter is a mommy’s girl
@Mrs. Twine: @jhd:
@Mrs. Jacks: omg what! I have to find this…
@MrsScallop: I bet when Charlie comes home, DD might change sides!
blogger / pomegranate / 3491 posts
I’ve written about this too – C is totally a daddy’s boy. It is tough but thankfully it has mellowed some since its peak when it would really upset me. Your family is so adorable.
admin / watermelon / 14210 posts
Charlie is team dad while olive can go either way. I don’t mind but I might be offended if the preference were much stronger!
pea / 11 posts
@Mrs. Tiger: I’m the child of an American mom and an Indian dad and my mom always tells the story about how at the hospital after my birth (in the Midwest in the early 80s) the nurse rolled me into my moms room to feed, took one look at her, one look at me and immediately started profusely apologizing for bringing her the wrong baby. She then wheels me out the door and my mom has to chase her down to convince I was actually hers. She laughs when she tells the story today, but wow.
blogger / persimmon / 1225 posts
Beautiful family! My 7 month old is just starting to cry for Grandma when she leaves which is bizarre to me and hurt my feelings at first but then I realized I’d rather have a Grandma he misses than one who isn’t around/doesn’t know how to play and care for him. I’m a SAHM so I’m with him all the time but Grandma is all fun when she comes! He likes hubby too but out of the two of us, I’d say he’s more of a mama’s boy.
clementine / 806 posts
my 2.5 year old daughter is all mommy. especially when she’s tired, hungry, sad or stressed out. then nothing but mommy will work. it’s a little suffocating for me and my husband says it hurts his feelings … so i wish we had a bit more balance …
kiwi / 511 posts
@aegie: My brother in law warned my husband and me as well about that syndrome, where there are only two people in the world, Mommy and Not-Mommy. We have been lucky (knock on wood) that it hasn’t been at epidemic levels like it sounds like you have.
Hang in there and your husband too.
blogger / pomegranate / 3300 posts
Ours have switched from time to time. At about a year one of my twins switched drastically from me to my husband. It was a bit of a shock at first but then I realized it made things a little easier on me. My oldest has a huge preference to my mom and it does drive me a little crazy because she gets to do all the fun stuff while I am ” mom, killer of all fun.” No wonder he prefers her I would too
blogger / pomegranate / 3044 posts
@Areem: omg! Crazy!
@aegie: that’s tough, I’m sorry. Hopefully soon they can come up with special father-daughter activities to grow their bond!
@Mrs. Train: I am TOTALLY the killer of all the fun! The person who makes you sit down and eat your food/take a bath/go to bed, etc, etc. Oh well!