Hellobee

I just finished reading the highly praised book, The Conscious Parent: Transforming Ourselves Empowering Our Children, by Dr. Shefali Tsabary. Although it was a thought-provoking and inspiring read, I found that it lacked the meaty research-based statistics and analogies that my sleepy mom mind needs to process these sort of self help books. I don’t really have the patience to figure out how to fight my unconscious – I need more direction (just tell me what to do!). Topics jumped around, it was a little vague in spots, a bit unrealistic and the spiritual nature of this book out of my comfort zone. Tsabary calls for a parental revolution; a parental paradigm shift, which all requires becoming conscious. To me, this is an ambiguous term and a parent can be conscious in a variety of ways (for me this doesn’t happen before my second cup of coffee). The description of what is necessary to become a conscious parent is still foggy (but hey, I struggled in philosophy) and battling my unconscious seems like a heavy task when I’m just trying to make sure that my 2-year-old’s pants remain dry all day long.

The Conscious Parent is the antithesis of Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom by Amy Chua. Where Chua lets her ego bask in her children’s over-achievement, Dr. Shefali Tsabary argues that we need to revel in our children’s ordinariness by letting go of our ego and allowing children to fulfill their own destiny.

When I read Battle Hymn I experienced horror (poor girls), admiration (good for you Chua, it takes a lot of work to be a Tiger Mom), and panic (shoot, I better find the nearest Suzuki program for my four-year-old). But, on the other end of spectrum while reading The Conscious Parent, I didn’t feel any better. I was struck with twinges of guilt and found myself getting defensive. You see, I have a confession, I’m an over scheduler and I like being hyper busy – basically the parental antagonist that Dr. Tsabary scolds in her book.

Am I really so horrible by making my children learn to swim, take tennis lessons, meet new friends at lacrosse or cheering them on at soccer practice? Tsabary states that from birth to age six children should, “Have leisure to flap their wings around in play and exploration, with lots of space for rest and simply doing nothing”(pg. 183). Was I allowing my kids to have wild freedom and to be authentic to who they are? Or was I filling my children’s lives with countless activities and artificial trinkets robbing them of their imagination and hence their ability to create their own pleasure (pg. 162).

Tsabary asks us as parents to question our motives for the things that we force on our children. “As we uncover the ways in which our past drives us, we gradually become capable of parenting consciously” (pg. 14).  I didn’t have to think much about this — I’m an overscheduler because while growing-up my family struggled to make ends-meet, so extracurricular activities were completely out of the question. I’ve always wished that I could have been in ballet or gymnastics or that my exhausted mom, after working the graveyard shift, would have had the energy to push me to practice my loaned violin. So yes, I have emotional baggage, or as Tsabary calls it I’m passing along my emotional inheritance. But, I’d like to think I’m coming from a place of guidance and exploration and exposure to different opportunities versus one of making my child an extension of me as Tsabary suggests.

I’m really simplifying Tsabary’s book. There was much more to it than just the over-scheduling bit, although that seems to have resonated most with me. I slogged through the first half of the book and for some reason found the second half more interesting. Tsabary’s narrative, which is mostly her own parenting reflection, was full of inspiring parenting one-liners that would look great on chalkboard in your house. So, I did find it a difficult book at times, but there were several pearls that I took from the pages. If you don’t have time to read the whole book, get it anyway, watch the Ted Talk  (it’s good) and then skim the book for the lists.

Here are some of my favorite excerpts:

• Letting children know that they are accepted for who they are, apart from the things that they do. She lists several ways to do this, including this sweet one, “Thank them for being in your life.” Or this “Kiss them and tell them you love being in their presence.”
• I  liked the list called, “What we can hope for our children.” This included two of my favorites:
  • Not that they will be a good achiever, but a good listener.
  • Not that they will obey you, but that they will respect you.
• Allow room for stillness. I really liked Tsabary’s tradition of sitting in silence with her family for 10 minutes every Saturday. Maybe not completely realistic with a 2-year old, but one day.
• And, my favorite Tsabary’s final words, her parenting mantras in the back of the book (just a few)
  • It is we who teach our children how to be greedy by giving them diamonds instead of sticks and stones
  • It is we who teach our children how to fear adventure  by rewarding their successes and reprimanding their failures
  • It is we who teach our children to lose their motivation and zeal by pressuring them to excel and “be something”
  • It is we who teach our children to be bullies by dominating their spirit and silencing their voice
  • It is we who teach our children to be inattentive and distracted by inundating their lives with busy activities, leaving no space for stillness
  • It is we who teach our children to become anxious by denying the celebration of our own present as we constantly focus on tomorrow