Spreading the news that you’re expecting a little one is usually pretty exciting – figuring out who to tell first (the cashier at the grocery store because she won’t tell anyone you know and you’re just BURSTING!), and then announcing it to the world through social media or with the clear appearance of a growing belly is all a rite of passage for us parents-to-be.
Telling your place of work, especially when you got pregnant between the interview and official hiring offer, and planning to begin the job at six weeks pregnant, though? That’s a cause for some anxiety and general wonder about how the process should go down. It was for me, at least!
We found out I was pregnant at Thanksgiving, and the first week of December I was offered the job. I set a start date for two weeks later, in mid-December and immediately went shopping for some work clothes that would be more forgiving as I grew this baby. I wanted to show up in clothes that weren’t skin-tight so that when I wore looser blouses later on, it wouldn’t be a cause for question and I would have, in theory, the ability to share the news when and how I wanted.
My plan was to wait as long as possible, and after I had spoken with HR, to share the news with my new manager and colleagues. Ideally, at least until I was in the second trimester and after my first official appointment, at 10 weeks pregnant in early January.
This plan, unfortunately, didn’t come to fruition.
Our social media pregnancy announcement, shared at fifteen weeks.
Two weeks after I started, my supervisor noticed my frequent restroom breaks, ginger ale drinking and lack of coffee drinking and outright asked me. I chose to answer honestly, as I wasn’t sure how I wanted to break the news anyway, and asked her to keep it just between us until after that first appointment. A few days later, though, I found out that my pregnancy – whether or not I was pregnant, mainly – had become a topic of conversation, so I chose to tell my team manager, and then the team. It happened a bit unceremoniously and before I was truly comfortable sharing the news. There was a fair bit of tears on my end over the course these events (which all happened in about ten days’ time), but it did end well. However, I learned a lot about the process of sharing the news, and have some reflections from my less-than-ideal experience I’d love to share with you!
Let me first say, though, that this shouldn’t be taken as legal advice – these are simply my understandings of HR policy and discrimination law as they applied to my situation. It may be similar for you – or not! I’ve tried to include some links to reputable places to do more research, but the place to always begin is with YOUR Human Resources, employee policies/handbook and HR point of contact.
To begin with, my manager asking me outright if I was pregnant may or may not be legal. It depends on your state and your state’s laws, but in my case, since I wasn’t a job applicant, it wasn’t technically illegal. Her intent in asking was curiosity, and she had no plans to use my answer as any determination in my employment, e.g. promotion, salary, etc. Most HR policies and state laws do discourage asking an employee this question. Though I didn’t feel completely comfortable disclosing my pregnancy status, I felt the benefits of honesty outweighed any negatives with my specific manager. Her response was positive, which helped my feelings upon reflection.
When I get pregnant again, I plan to take these steps, in this order:
- Immediately reach out to HR and request an updated copy of the HR policies of my organization. Read it closely and write down any questions I have.
- Choose a time to disclose, in writing with a note about confidentiality, my pregnancy with HR. Ask my questions, again, in writing, and make sure I’m good to go with my leave (I am still enrolled in short term disability, which was a huge help after Will’s birth/during my leave. I recommend looking into what your organization’s policies are for leave, and if unpaid, check out other options. Keep in mind that you often need to enroll in these plans prior to pregnancy. It differs company to company.)
- Develop a work plan for major projects/people I manage and how I’d like to see them through over the next XX weeks before I take leave/have the baby.
- Develop an ideal maternity plan, including dates and transition back to work (if I want to return!) to share with my manager and team.
- Set up a formal, short meeting with my manager to share my news. Doing this in an actual meeting means that the topic doesn’t get pushed to the bottom of an agenda, or happen as a quick aside. We can actually have a conversation, and I can share the plans I’ve developed for my work and my leave. We can discuss any changes that may need to happen while I’m pregnant, or after I have the baby. We can also discuss how to share the news with teammates and colleagues.
- Share the news with the team. I have friends who let the news become known naturally – as the bump grew. From my experience, it stressed me out to be the subject of office talk and so I think, next time, I’d rather just find a way to either formally announce it, or tell people in small ways.
Celebrating being pregnant and proud, at seventeen weeks.
There’s a few things I learned about pregnancy, lactating and work, from my research. In general, here’s some good to know information if you live in the U.S.:
- You can’t be fired or have your position change because of your pregnancy. This includes the fact that someone can’t not hire you because of your pregnancy or a chance of pregnancy in the future. This was my saving grace when I started my job already pregnant!
- You may be entitled to different accommodations if you are pregnant. This is especially true if you have a job that involves being on your feet all day. Your pregnancy must be treated the same way any temporary disability is treated. Check out the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission’s link for more information.
- You aren’t entitled to leave, necessarily – if you are, it would be, at minimum, twelve weeks unpaid. You are only guaranteed this twelve weeks under the Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) if you work for a company with 50 or more employees, and if you have worked at the company for a year or more. There are some other factors, like the number of hours worked (there is a minimum), and it can differ based on your place of work. Check out your HR policies, again, for this info. Note, though, that if a company offers leave via FMLA, it must be available equally to men and women for care of a newborn.
- You can’t be treated differently if you are still feeding your baby with breastmilk after you return to work. In fact, you have be given a space for pumping that has a lock and a door if you work somewhere with more than fifty employees.
This is a great article with more information, and I encourage you again to view the EEOC’s link above for full information.
How did you share with work your news? Did it go as planned? Any other suggestions for mamas who are worried?
kiwi / 511 posts
I was very freaked out to tell my boss I was pregnant to be honest. He had been wonderful with the adoption process including me working from home (aka in Russia during our waiting period) so that I took very few vacation days and was able to maximize things when I took my FMLA time.
So I found I was pregnant in the middle of October, left for Russia on Nov 4th, returned to the states on Dec 1st and started my FMLA in late December after finishing out my vacation time. I cut my FMLA time short in January because it is a 12 month calender from the time you started it. I needed to split those weeks available between the adoption time off and my pregnancy.
So I went back to work in February and that first day filled him in and got caught up on work things and then told him by the way I will be going on actual maternity leave at the end of May. Thankfully things worked out just fine but I was not able to spend as much time at home as I had wanted, in total it was about 8 weeks. But then my DH took his paternity leave and stayed home with our newborn to give him a bit more time at home before he went to daycare.
ETA- after I told him, then I told my co workers, just an informal hey guess what happened, I am pregnant. But at that point I was showing too which helped.
bananas / 9229 posts
Wow, that was definitely ballsy of her to come right out and ask you!!
I wasn’t all that nervous about telling my manager at the time. My due date is roughly 13 months after I started the job but, given what it took to get pregnant, such is life. What I didn’t expect was another coworker also being pregnant and due a month after me! It’s definitely made for some difficult planning with leave (most of which has yet to be dealt with).
grapefruit / 4923 posts
i would totally be anxious in that situation as well. i’m glad everything worked out okay, although i’m surprised that your supervisor came out and asked you, even if it was legal for her to do so.
my situation was different in that i had been working for at least a year at my office when i got pregnant the first time, and it’s a family friendly office, so there weren’t any issues with waiting to announce after the genetic screening results came back.
apricot / 261 posts
I’m currently interviewing for a new job, at 12 weeks pregnant (started the process a bit before 9 weeks). It is definitely not how I planned for things to go. I don’t know when I should tell them.
apricot / 370 posts
I had a somewhat similar situation… a few years back, I was interviewing and got hired in mid-November at a well-known university; at Thanksgiving found out I was pregnant, and my start date was 2nd week of December. Things seemed to be going swimmingly for those first few months. In mid-March, I announced to my team, boss and HR that I would be expecting in July, and would like to take 2 months of maternity—there were smiles and congratulations all around, so it was definitely a “whew” moment, that this would work out.
Well, a month later, they let me go, saying that I had not been performing to expectations in several areas, and since I was still in my 6 month probationary period, and an at-will employee, they were terminating my employment. I was shocked! I understand at-will, but still, they had not told me prior that I was performing poorly. I mean, it did seem suspicious, and they looked nervous telling me that I was being let go considering I was pregnant, I’m sure a potential lawsuit hung over their heads. Being nice, I offered to finish up my projects that day, and they were grateful that I was being nice, and when I was in my car, I called my husband sobbing. I was panicked, and not sure how this was all going to turn out. My Brother-in-law, a contract attorney offered to put me in touch with labor attorneys as he believed I could fight it, but seriously, I was 6 months pregnant, and didn’t want this cloud and anxiety of a lawsuit over my head, I just wanted to enjoy my maternity and my soon to be new baby.
We were fortunate from a financial standpoint, and because of my previous employment, I was still able to take advantage of California State Disability and Paid Family Leave. Been working now for 4 years at another company, that has been very family friendly, and had a 2nd baby, so I take that as another blessing, that it all worked out.
guest
I found out I was pregnant after having spent 2 years working for a team, but 2 weeks into a new position with that team. It was nerve wracking to tell my supervisor– she’s CBC, has made anti-kid commentary in the past, and I was the first woman in our dept. to get pregnant. She surprised me by being super excited, and I breathed a huge sigh of relief. Thought everything was fine. Then, when I started planning my maternity leave, she wouldn’t answer any questions about when they wanted me to come back, thoughts on who should handle my duties while I was gone, etc. I got really weirded out and asked for a chat– which is how I found out, at 37 weeks pregnant, that I was being laid off because there were enough other people around to take on my work load. My layoff date was set for 5 weeks into my leave, so I couldn’t even file for unemployment for those 5 weeks!!!
I can’t prove it, but I honestly feel like they got rid of me because of my pregnancy, and that sucks. When I filed for unemployment my intake person was like “you were laid off during maternity leave…and that’s legal?!?” Yeah. It’s also the worst.
guest
Wow, we really are twins! In addition to having an 8 month old, living in DC and wanting to move abroad, I started my job about 7 weeks pregnant. I found out around the same timeline as you did (and like you it was a complete surprise for us because we weren’t really trying and were thinking about not trying because I was searching for a new job!)
I didn’t want to tell anyone until I was 12 weeks because I was terrified that things wouldn’t go well. We didn’t even tell everyone in our family until I was 12 weeks! But, when I was filling out my paperwork a week or two after I started for health insurance, I realized that one of the checkboxes asks whether you are pregnant. Now, I assumed that this wasn’t going to be reviewed by HR, but I worried that it would be. I didn’t want HR to find out this way or for my boss to find out without hearing it directly from me.
I asked to talk to my boss and closed the door and basically said, “I’m so embarrassed to do this, but I have to tell you something. I mean, I wasn’t pregnant when I interviewed for the job and didn’t know when I was offered…” My boss didn’t let me finish. She jumped out of her chair and gave me a big hug and said “Congratulations! Pregnancy is great news!” I explained that I hadn’t wanted to tell anyone until I was 12 weeks, but didn’t want her to find out through some health form I had to fill out. She was very supportive and said she understood and would keep my secret.
It was a HUGE relief for me because I was terrified that she’d be mad. I didn’t really end up telling anyone else at work (other than HR) until I was more like 16 weeks pregnant, but that was more because I didn’t know how to break the news! It was really my boss’ pushing (because she didn’t want to keep it a secret anymore) that got me to start casually mentioning it to coworkers!
nectarine / 2210 posts
I was offered a promotion on a Friday, found out I was pregnant that weekend, and accepted the offer on Monday. A year later I can know say it really wasn’t a big deal. But it was definitely awkward when a friend posted Congrats on my Facebook wall which lead to another friend asking if I was pregnant. Since I wasn’t quite ready to share the news yet I kind of redirected the question by saying the congrats was just for a promotion.
blogger / apricot / 310 posts
@Mrs.Maven: whew, two babes! you’re my mama superhero! and i feel you on the short leave- i transitioned back at 8 weeks and didn’t feel emotionally or physically ready
so glad you got some leave with both, though!
@LindsayInNY: ha it was ballsy! and you’re right- telling work can be far less difficult that actually getting pregnant in the first place!
@edelweiss: being somewhere family friendly makes such a difference! in the end, many of my colleagues are working mamas, which has been helpful. so glad you were in an office that understands and cares for working parents!
@Willow: I hope you don’t feel pressured to reveal it before you want to – and I am sending you lots of love and luck!
@kakimochi: oh my gosh that’s horrible! i just related this to my hubs who used to work for an EEO/civil rights office for the govt and he was so angry on your behalf! i absolutely get not wanting to get into the formal process though – so much stress already. so glad it worked out in the end, but man! boo!
@kyann: wow, another terrible story! i am so sorry this happened to you! sometimes the laws that protect don’t seem to go far enough
@Krista: we really are twins, haha! so glad it was a great thing, in the end, for you though! and I also had a moment with HR hiring paperwork that I was like ‘eek do I have to tell someone?’ ha!
@Miss Ariel: ha, great job playing that off! and congrats, belatedly, on the promotion!
guest
This is me! I was recruited into a new job at a startup, and my first day was at the beginning of my 7th week (and the start of morning sickness). The worst possible way to start a job! I was so sick and fatigued for weeks. Fortunately the company is so new, we’re still hunting for office space – so I’ve mostly been working from home and could hide my symptoms. I’m now at 14 weeks and feel tons better…but, I still haven’t told them! I’m so nervous about it, as the expectations for the job are so high (typical “there is no work-life balance at a startup” mentality.) I’m the only woman employee so far, and am pegged for a leadership position, and I worry how my pregnancy will be perceived. I’ve got to tell them soon though! I’m starting to show!!!