Hellobee

My sweet boy,

You are a joy. That is really the only way to describe you. A joy. You have boundless energy and an adventurous spirit.  You are silly and mischievous, and are friendly in a way I am envious of. To you, everyone is a friend, and I dread the day that I have to tell you that isn’t always true. You love to read, and be read to. You love music and it melts me when you ask me to sing to you. You are wild and rambunctious, but will spend an unexpected amount of time carefully trying to figure out how something works. You get that from your daddy.

For the last two years you have been my sidekick. My constant companion. My little buddy. You and I have something special, that I can never have with your sister. For two years, you were my only. The center of my universe. You made me a mommy, and were there through the hard days while I figured out what exactly that meant.  You have seen me at my best, and you have seen me at my worst. I would like to think that I have a teeny bit to do with how amazing you are, but I think it is more likely that you are amazing in spite of me.

I can never go back to being the person I was before I met you. You have changed me in the most profound way. Before you I was selfish. I was busy. I had no idea how much I had to learn. But meeting you, knowing you, has humbled me. I thought if I could just read all the books and know everything there is to know, that I could be the perfect mommy. But it isn’t enough just to know about children. I had to get to know you. Every unique and unmistakable part of you. You are your own individual, unlike any of your friends and unlike any of the books could ever describe. Slowly you taught me that there is no perfect mommy. That despite my failures and my struggles, you don’t need my perfection. You just need me.

I worried so much while we waited for your sister. I worried that you were missing out because I was too sick to do all the things that I wanted to be able to do with you, and that my patience ran out so quickly. I worried that things wouldn’t be the same once you had to share my attention, that you would be jealous, feel abandoned. I couldn’t understand how love really could grow exponentially. I worried that what I would have to give you would no longer be enough.

And now, for 3 months you have not been my only. Things are different now that your baby sister is here, but in the very best way. My worries were unfounded. You are fine. You are better than fine. You are growing and changing at warp speed. You look so big when you stand next to her. You hear her cry and bound for her room to give her kisses. You bring her toys to share. You are still a toddler, and you challenge me constantly, but you constantly impress me as well. You still need me, probably more than ever before. And while I worried that there wouldn’t be enough of me to go around, that is untrue. Love really does multiply exponentially, and there is plenty to go around. I want you to know that while I get to know her, while I learn what it looks like to love both of my babies this much, that you understand that in loving her I don’t lose any amount of love for you.

While I know you and your sister are not the same, I hope you will share your adventures with her. That you will teach her to be courageous and strong. That you will always run to comfort her when she needs you. I hope you never lose your curiosity about the world, and that your love of life always shines in your eyes the way it does now. Watching you grow is one of the greatest joys of my life.

I love you sweet boy