Even before we were married, my husband and I talked about our future family and what it might look like, as so many do. Besides throwing out imaginary future kid names, our other favorite debate was, “how many kids would you want?” I came from a family of 2, but liked the idea of three children because I have always envied larger families. My husband was firmly in the three children camp because he is one of three, but was very open to four, and even five. Now, even he’s not so firm on the three.

Of course, as it often is, talk is very different from reality. At the time, we had no idea what it really took to raise children. The amount of time and energy involved was all-consuming, not to mention the financial strain. We love our family of four, but we still wanted to keep our options open for a third…

These are some factors we considered in our talks about growing our family:

1) Money – Having children takes a big financial commitment, especially if those children are in daycare or if one parent has to park their career for awhile to either stay home with the kids, or put their career ambitions on hold. This can be offset by some things, like having a larger age gap so that at least one (or even both) kids are in public school before the third one arrives. Or if someone is already a SAHP, they might want to have their children back-to-back to get the baby-rearing stages out of the way, get their kids in school, and get back to the workforce sooner. Still, there are additional costs to consider even after they enter the public school system because if both parents work out of the home full-time, some sort of after school arrangement will need to be set up. We actually have a really affordable daycare for our area, so when we looked into these prices, it actually would not save us that much more money compared to our after school care! Then there is wanting to save for retirement so we don’t burden our kids later in life, college planning so that we can at least help offset some of their costs, little things here and there required of daily life, and it all adds up fast.

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2) Career – There is no doubt in my mind that having kids slowed down my career. I “mommy-tracked” myself because that was the only way I could find balance and “have it all.” I am less willing to take risks (in terms of career decisions), and do not make work my #1 priority anymore because my family is my #1 priority. I’d rather have a flexible schedule, have the ability to pick my kids up at a reasonable hour, and find balance in my work and home life than try to push the envelope. If I did not have kids, I’m sure I would’ve sought other opportunities more aggressively, taken more risks in terms of taking up more responsibility, and been more willing to explore new, creative projects that would stretch me as a person. I just haven’t been willing to take those leaps these last few years even with two kids; I can’t imagine how it’d be if I were to do it all over again. I don’t want to take on more in my career (for now) because sometimes I feel like that will come at the expense of my family. I try to keep a long-term perspective on this, and realize that even if I’m not willing to pursue certain things right now, it doesn’t mean I’ll never have the opportunities to. There are plenty of good years ahead, but a third would probably set me back a couple more years.

3) Energy – I was actually the first of my friends to have kids. In our neck of the woods, having kids under 30 is rare, so we consider ourselves “younger parents.” Yet, we are exhausted and sore with all the carrying, lifting, and more. This isn’t an issue of can we do it because I’m sure we can muster up the energy if we have to, and having done it twice before… it’s not like we don’t know what to expect. The question is, do we want to? Will we be stretching ourselves too thin?

4) Health – After my first pregnancy, I didn’t experience many of the postpartum symptoms that people often mention… my feet didn’t grow or change, my hair didn’t fall out, I didn’t get stretch marks, and my weight bounced back quickly. After my second pregnancy, I developed a strange, unbearable rash during my second trimester all the way through 18 months postpartum that I now attribute to a gluten intolerance, my feet flattened and widened and grew half an inch (not that I need it because my feet were already flat and wide!!), and I just felt a lot more rundown. I relished in the first time pregnancy glow, but my second pregnancy was harder on me because I couldn’t rest when I wanted and I just didn’t take as good care of myself as I did with my first due to chasing a toddler around. To be pregnant with a third while meeting the needs of two very opinionated, rambunctious, high-energy toddlers scares me a bit. I also worry that my awful rash will come back with a vengeance, and who knows what else. Hormones are a crazy thing! I have one mom friend who developed an allergy to fish after her second pregnancy (her daughter is in middle school now! No more sushi – ever – for her!), and another mom friend who lost her sense of smell after her second pregnancy (her son is in college now!). Stories like these make me nervous too.

5) Time – This is the BIGGEST factor of all for us. Everyone we know with 3+ kids have at least one parent who stays at home, or they have an extremely flexible job (they can set their own hours, come and go whenever they please, etc.). When we think about time though, we’re actually not even talking about the time it takes out of our days in the early years. If anything, I think those are the “easier” years when it comes to time. But when the kids get older, there will be years when they are going to different schools with different pick-up and drop-off times, or they’ll be involved in different activities on different days with different times. The idea of juggling all of that as two full-time working parents who have no intention on staying home… sounds overwhelming. When I talk about how tired or busy I feel to some of my seasoned, mentor mom friends, they honestly, gently relay to me that it will only get busier – that this is the easy part. I see glimpses of their life, I listen to the stories they share… and even if their children are only involved in one activity, it is still very busy. There are competitions on weekends, practices, and you have to work around team schedules. Not to mention the homework, test preparation, and parental involvement schools require of parents these days.

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Our biggest concern is the time commitment because it is the one thing you can’t put on hold or get more of (if only!). We can muster up energy, “phone it in” with our careers while maintaining our lifestyle, reign in our expenses to make the money piece work, and take a risk on health because I actually had pretty smooth pregnancies and deliveries… but time – there is never enough.

If we did have a third, our plan was always to wait until our first entered Kindergarten so we wouldn’t have three in daycare. However, as the kids get older and further from the baby stage, the less we want to revisit those early years. Now that the kids are older, we’ve had more opportunities to enjoy travel, not be so tied to naps and bedtimes, and feel as if we can “move forward” with the things we’ve put on hold for so long. Yet there is a part of us that thinks it would be neat to have a larger family. We imagine what a future with three children might look like, the family reunions we could have in our old age… and we dream.

Do you ever waver back and forth between 1 and 2, or 2 and 3… like we have? What factors have you considered when it comes to family planning?