When Mr. P and I decided to adopt embryos, we initially thought we would go through anonymous donation so that we wouldn’t have to communicate with the donor parents. As we went through the process we changed our minds and wound up creating an open agreement with a wonderful set of donors.

Even though Mr. P and I agreed that having an open agreement would be best for our child, I was still a little nervous about actually communicating with our donors. I didn’t want to say something to them that would make them regret selecting us. Of course, like with most things during this process, that was something I didn’t need to worry about.

Mr. P and I have had 3 different types of communication with our donors. The first is letters sent via our mediator. Right after our match was finalized the donors sent us a letter telling us about their infertility journey, a little about their family, and what drew them to us. Mr. P and I responded with a similar letter. We exchanged letters through our mediator again on the day of the embryo transfer. We can continue using the mediator to communicate with each other through the first month of Baby P’s life. At that point, however, we were comfortable enough to move on to direct communication.

Another way we communicate with our donors is through text messages. In the last letter we received the donor mother included her cell phone number and said that we could call or text anytime. I wasn’t comfortable sending her my number in return. I got a little paranoid that maybe they could use it to find us, which was dumb. But, I thought to myself that I wouldn’t be calling anytime soon.

As I got to the end of the first trimester, I knew it was time to send an update to the donors. I felt a little guilty for not sending anything to them sooner. I had been feeling so bad that I didn’t want to do anything other than lay around. I was also not looking forward to telling them about the vanishing twin, because I thought it would be hard for them to hear. The clinic had let them know that my transfer was a success, but that was all the information they had. I went through my emails from the mediator, letters from the donor, and the agreement looking for the donor’s email address, but it wasn’t anywhere. I sent the mediator a quick email asking her for it. At least 10 days went by and I never heard back from her. Mr. P and I talked and decided it would be ok to send the donors a text asking for their email address. I was so nervous as I hit send! I heard back pretty quickly. They gave me their email address and we texted back and forth about my pregnancy and how we were all doing for a few minutes. Texting still isn’t my preferred method of communication, so we don’t do it often right now. The donor mother did send me a text wishing me a happy first Mother’s Day, which I thought was very nice of her.

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The last way we communicate with our donors is through email. I created an email specifically for sending updates to the donors. I don’t use it for anything else. Typically I write the email and forward it to Mr. P. He reads it, adds in anything he wants and sends it back to me so I can send it to the donors. After I sent the first email update I waited for a reply. And waited. And waited. After about a month I contacted the mediator and asked if she could check and be sure the donors received it. I was worried I had sent it to the wrong email address. They had received my email and a couple weeks later I heard back from them. After that the mediator advised me not to wait for a reply to send updates to them. I understand why. I think it’s harder to be in their shoes than it is to be in my and Mr. P’s. They want the information, and they enjoy receiving it, but it’s bittersweet. It’s a reminder of what could have been.

I wait to send emails until I have something substantial to share. So far I’ve sent an update at the end of the first trimester, when we found out Baby P is a girl, after our anatomy scan, and most recently at the end of the second trimester. In each email I talk a little about the pregnancy, baby prep, and anything big happening in our lives. I also send a couple of photos and a new ultrasound photo if I have one. In the last email I included a bump photo and a couple of nursery progress photos. I’m planning on sending one more pregnancy update to them once I get closer to my due date and sharing photos of the completed nursery. Mr. P and I also make sure to tell them every so often how grateful we are to them and how many people love Baby P already.

So far communicating with our donors hasn’t been at all burdensome like I first imagined, and I don’t expect it ever will be. Once Baby P is born, and life becomes busier, I expect email exchanges will be a little more scheduled. As Mr. P and my relationship with our donors evolves over time, I’m sure our communication will too. Maybe one day there will be phone calls, or Skype sessions, or even face to face meetings. That’s the great thing about our agreement with them. We can use whatever method fits all of our lives and comfort levels, as long as we don’t skip the minimum requirements.

If you have an open adoption, what does your communication with the parents look like? Has it changed over time?