I might catch some flak for this, but I love my children differently. Don’t misunderstand this to say more or less than the other, but definitely differently.

LeLe is independent, stubborn, super smart, and incredibly active. From the moment she entered this world, she knew exactly what she wanted and by gosh, she would do whatever it took to get it. I don’t think she was put down for her first 6 months of life. This was partially because I was a first-time mom and I genuinely loved holding her. But it was also because she flat-out refused to be anywhere but in someone’s arms. She was very vocal about what she wanted and she would squawk, cry, yell, etc. until you gave in. We had one horrendous car ride when she was 4 months old that resulted in either Mr. Cereal or me riding in the backseat on subsequent trips with her to ensure that the screaming stopped quickly if it started. She grew out of these loud outbursts by about 9 months, but man it was hard for a while.

I love LeLe so much and I feel lucky to have such a great kid. I am surprised at how I feel parenting her because I still often feel like I am faking it. I think I’ve figured out that this is because even though I am a mother to two, LeLe is still my first and that means I am still a rookie at parenting her. I second-guess what I do with her pretty constantly and even though I haven’t messed her up yet (fingers crossed), I still feel the potential is there to do so. I have a hard time articulating this because it makes me feel kind of bad, but I’m not really sure why.

Because LeLe is so independent, it sometimes feels like she doesn’t need me and that adds to my insecurity as her mother. She wants to try everything on her own and I hover around to make sure she doesn’t hurt herself, but I have to consciously remind myself not to step in until she really needs me. Mr. Cereal is much better at this and he has way less of a complex about parenting her than I do.

With Little Bug, I feel much more confident. I love him differently because he needs me more and I feel more confident in how I am parenting him. It is much less of a guess and check situation, and that means that I can parent him without constantly second-guessing myself.

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He is much more calm and his overall demeanor is a sweet little gent. Even when he’s mad, he still tries to smile. It’s kind of pitiful, but it is really cute. He seems fine to hang out on his own and he doesn’t really like to be held too much. He can fall asleep on his own when you put him down, and that was never really possible with LeLe. I guess I kind of assumed that because they are both my kids they would be more alike, but I am quickly learning that they are definitely not.

Little Bug seems to go with the flow much better (second kid curse), and he is content watching the action without having to be involved. He is an observer and always has a smile ready when you interact with him. When he wants something he will let you know, but the volume of his vocalization is so much more pleasant than LeLe’s.

So yes, I love them differently. Not more or less, but differently. They need me in different ways. It would be silly to say I love them the same when they are such different people. I will forever try to ensure that LeLe and Little Bug know that even though my love for them is different, they will never feel as though I love them more or less than each other because it simply won’t be true.