Hellobee

Since October is Infant Loss Awareness Month, I thought I would share about my experience with loss. It’s been almost 4 years since it last happened so I feel a bit removed, but the pain and fear of it still lingers from time to time. I write this in hopes that it will bring some comfort to those of you that have experienced something similar, and to give you hope that things will get better. You might not completely forget, but it won’t always be like this. Whatever pain you feel over your loss will diminish over time and you will heal. It just takes time and know that you are not alone.

M I S C A R R I A G E  # 1

While out with a friend, I felt like something “leaked” and some liquid “popped” out, but I didn’t think much of it and just went to the bathroom. When I wiped, I noticed a teeny bit of light pink blood. I’d read if the blood was light, it wasn’t a big deal, so I didn’t worry too much. I also asked my cousin, who is a nurse, and she reassured me and said not to worry as long as the bleeding was light and not heavy. Throughout the whole evening, I kept spotting so I was a bit worried and things just didn’t FEEL right.

I tried to go to sleep that evening, but I couldn’t shake that gnawing feeling. I tossed and turned and each time I went to the bathroom, I kept seeing some blood. When I laid down to go to sleep, I felt pressure in my lower abdomen and pressure in my back. Around 1am, there was more pelvic pressure in my lower abs. It would feel better when I stood or walked around, but each time I laid down, it was painful.

Around 3am, when I went to the bathroom, after I wiped, the blood was dark red. An hour later when I went to the bathroom, there was some watery, mucus-like dark red blood. I was also bleeding more and had a dull pain in my stomach. After another hour, while I was in the bathroom again, it felt like something popped again – like a plug came out and some watery bright red blood gushed into the toilet. This is when I freaked out and woke up Mr. SB. I knew this was a horrible sign so we decided to go to the ER.

We arrived at the ER at 6am. By this time, I was bleeding pretty heavily and it had already soaked through my clothes. They had me sit in a chair as asked me a bunch of questions. The doctor tried to tell me that some bleeding is ok during pregnancy, but I already knew deep inside what was happening. After asking me more questions, by 6:30am, I changed, got a bed and waited for some testing. They drew some blood from my arm and gave me an ultrasound.

During the ultrasound, I was able to see the ultrasound screen and there was NOTHING in my uterus. I was already 12 weeks by then. If the baby was still there, there would have been a sac and something that looked like a baby, but it was empty. The tech isn’t allowed to say anything. Usually if nothing is wrong, they will say something like “there’s the baby” but she was silent.

We had to wait for an hour for the doctor to take a look at the ultrasound and around 8:30am, he came in and verbalized what I already knew had happened — that we had miscarried. He said that during the ultrasound, my uterus was empty but that there was something in my vagina. He also said to follow up with my doctor. He said if all the tissues don’t pass naturally, I would have to get surgery to get it scraped out.

After hearing the news, I went to the bathroom to get cleaned up and whatever tissues were inside of me, plopped out. It was pretty traumatizing. I won’t go into detail but I will never forget that sight or feeling. We left the ER and got into our car. It was there that I started sobbing because the reality of what had just happened hit me.

M I S C A R R I A G E  # 2

“You’re baby hasn’t grown much since your last ultrasound.”

I went in for an ultrasound on Wednesday my OB recommended since at my 6 week ultrasound, there was a small clot. She reassured me that these things get resolved, the body usually absorbs it and everything else looked fine. We even heard a heartbeat of 105bpm at that time.

Wednesday:

I signed in and waited for my name to be called. When my name got called, I looked up to see the ultrasound tech that I disliked. She was extremely insensitive the last time I had to be seen by her. That was a bad sign. She told me that I needed to empty my bladder, so I went to do that. Afterwards, she had to do a trans-vaginal ultrasound which at over 9 weeks seemed strange. Bad sign #2. She also hid the screen from me–bad sign #3. Then she said, “Are you going to see your doctor? You’ll have to see your doctor so they can explain everything.” Now, I’m not stupid. If you don’t let me see the screen and then tell me to go see my doctor, obviously, something is wrong. Otherwise you would tell me how the heartbeat is this many beats per minute and I could see the screen. I knew something was wrong. My regular OB was on vacation so I had to see a different doctor who was actually wonderful.

The tech led me to the waiting room of the other doctor where I had to wait for a few minutes before being seen and having my blood pressure taken. The doctor finally came in and he told me the inevitable. “The baby hasn’t grown much since your last ultrasound. It might have happened maybe 1 1/2 – 2 weeks ago. After the baby stops growing, they regress in size.” He then proceeded to tell me what my options were– to miscarry naturally or have a D&C to remove the tissues. He said that since I wasn’t that far along, I could just wait to miscarry naturally but there was no way of knowing when it would start. That concerned me since I am a teacher, and I didn’t want to be bleeding while at work and then have to run home. I decided to wait it out over the weekend and if nothing happened, then get a D&C since I was traveling that following week for my sister-in-law’s wedding.

Thursday:

I went to work just like any other day but it was very difficult to look at kids all day when you know your own is not going to make it. I pulled it together to finish the day but did request the following day off because I (thank God!) started to spot at the end of the day. That went on all day long and night but no major bleeding.

Friday:

I woke up and was still just spotting. As ridiculous as it sounds, I’ve never wanted to bleed so badly! I had to go to the doctor’s office to sign paperwork for a D&C (just in case), which I had to do on Monday if I didn’t miscarry over the weekend. I spoke with the surgery scheduling nurse who was so sympathetic and also shared with me about her own miscarriage experiences. It was comforting to know that I wasn’t alone in going through multiple miscarriages.

Later that evening, while I was sitting on the couch working on the computer, I felt a “pop” inside my body. I immediately went to the bathroom and a rush of bright red blood came out as well as some clots. I had such mixed emotions. I was happy it was happening since that would mean I wouldn’t need to have surgery, but I was devastated at the reality of another loss. Because I had already experienced this earlier in the year, I knew what to expect so it made the process a little bit easier.

This proceeded to happen for the next 2 hours – running to and from the bathroom, bleeding, lower pelvic pressure, lower back pain and cramping. About an hour later, when I was in the bathroom, the fetal tissues passed. I had extremely painful cramps and then the last of the tissues passed. Then it was over.

T H O U G H T S

After my first miscarriage, I was so devastated. The whole experience was very traumatizing and left me feeling empty and afraid of the future. I just couldn’t wrap my head around what had happened and why it happened. I remember feeling like I was just in a fog for a long time. I don’t think I really snapped out of that fog until about a year or so later.

The second miscarriage was not as traumatizing physically because I sort of knew what to expect. But I was very angry. Both of the miscarriages happened in the same year. I just didn’t understand why it kept happening to me. I wondered what was wrong with me. I couldn’t see posts on people having babies or becoming pregnant because I couldn’t handle it. It wasn’t because I wasn’t happy for them or because I was jealous, I just didn’t understand why I couldn’t keep a pregnancy or have a healthy baby.

Some of the things that helped me during that time was to keep myself busy, cry, talk to friends who had experienced miscarriages, and to know what I could handle and not handle. I remember I was invited to a baby shower two months after the second miscarriage and I did not attend because I knew I could not handle it. Some friendships suffered because they just didn’t know how to help and I wanted to surround myself with safe and positive people.

When I got pregnant with Little SB, a lot of fears came into my head and heart, but I had to push them away and pray. Thankfully, there were no complications during my pregnancy with her and she has been so healthy. I still think about the two babies I lost prior to her especially as we are trying to conceive again. She would have been a great sister to them, but I don’t dwell too much on that because then I would be a puddle of tears. I am just thankful for this healthy bundle of joy that we have been blessed with.