I grew up in a family really big on celebrating birthdays and holidays, and it made this time of year something that I always looked forward to. In addition to Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s, we also have my dad’s, sister’s and mom’s birthday to celebrate all between November and the beginning of January. Thanksgiving is also the time that we first met our daughter HJ in Korea when she was just 4 months old, so that always brings backs warm and fuzzy feelings.
Unfortunately this year is different because my father is not at home with us, but living in an Alzheimer’s care facility. We are lucky in that he is still close by, only 20 minutes or so from our house, but of course, it’s just not the same. I know it’s particularly hard on my mom, who usually cooks a big turkey and hosts everyone at her house for Thanksgiving. When I asked her about what she wanted to do this year, she basically said she didn’t want to do anything at all because my dad wasn’t at home. I kept feeling like we should still do something, even though none of us were really in a celebratory mood. We thought about bringing our dad home for the day, but ultimately felt like it would be too stressful for him to change environments as he finally seems to be adjusting to his new living situation now that it’s been almost two months since he moved in.
This week, we celebrated his birthday at the facility and just tried to make things as normal as possible. The kids drew a picture, bought musical cards for Grandpa (Lila chose “Who Let the Dogs out” for some reason and HJ chose “Walking on Sunshine”), and we got balloons and a cake. The evening started off a bit rough with my dad being a little confused with all the attention and change in routine, but thankfully ended up with him smiling and happy and singing Happy Birthday. One thing I realize is that it’s such a blessing to have the kids around, especially when they’re still young enough not to worry about things being different or awkward. They’re just happy it’s “Ha-ji’s” birthday and mostly concerned about what kind of cake we get to pick out.
Our new tentative plan for Thanksgiving is to bake a ham (one thing that I can actually cook) and have a small lunch at our house, and then head out together to spend the rest of the day with my dad. I think that’s all we have figured out for now. We’ll have to deal with Christmas and New Year’s once we see how Thanksgiving goes…
Another thing that has made me appreciative of how much we actually do have to celebrate is spending some time with refugee families in our area. I mentioned in a post last year about a good friend who does such a great job taking her kids with her to visit new refugees and provide friendship as well as practical things for them. In the midst of my own little pity party about the holidays this year, it helped me so much when this same friend took me with her to visit several of the families who just moved to Chicago a couple months ago from places like Iraq, Syria, and Eritrea. They were so thrilled for visitors, and also for simple things for their kids like books, a soccer ball, a toy kitchen and a tricycle. One family had a simple request for the holidays – they just wanted to be able to put up their first Christmas tree.
With the holidays just around the corner, I know that it is tough for many people out there, and for a variety of reasons whether it’s loved ones they lost or other difficulties they may be going through. I’d love to hear your tips if you have any for surviving these next couple months.
pear / 1648 posts
I feel for you. We lost my mom in March, and last Thanksgiving we all rushed to be with her thinking it was the last time we’d be together as a family. I’m excited about celebrating because it’s my daughter’s first holiday season she will be aware of (15 months), but for me personally, it feels like a huge burden and energy suck. My birthday is next month, too, and I don’t really feel like celebrating the past year. I survived. Next year will be better. Hugs.
hostess / wonderful persimmon / 25556 posts
That is so hard. I’m sorry that you are having to go through this. Having a family member deal with dementia and/or Alzheimer’s is truly heart breaking. I hope you can provide a safe and comfortable place for your Dad AND Mom to hopefully celebrate a little bit this year. I hope your mom and your family can find a way to be thankful that you are still able to spend the time together, even if it is under these circumstances.
pear / 1622 posts
What you did for your father’s birthday and what you have planned is wonderful!
Thanksgiving has gone to pieces in my family – it happened over a few years – first my mom didn’t have the energy to host it anymore and we would go out to eat instead. Now she lives in assisted living and suffers from a lot of anxiety. My sister has an aversion to having anyone over at her house and since my LO was less than 3 months old last year we all did our own thing. This year, I am hosting my in-laws and my mom may come over. She gets so anxious about it though – every day she stresses at the thought of if she will mentally be able to handle Thanksgiving. So I am trying to take it one day at a time and we are telling her to do the same.
There is a room, “separate dining hall” we can reserve at the assisted living place which may be something to do in the future when my brothers are in town visiting – I feel like she would enjoy having all of her kids together for a meal.
My mom loves seeing LO and he enjoys the visits too. I feel fortunate he is not older. My niece is 15 and has a lot of resentment towards her grandmother and does not want to visit her which makes things harder for my sister.
Thanksgiving was my favorite holiday growing up and it’s hard to not be able to continuing those traditions with my family but I am looking forward to establishing new ones with DH, his family, and friends.
cantaloupe / 6171 posts
Thanks you for this! My father in law’s cancer has recurred and we aren’t feeling very hopeful. I’ve been sort of dreading thanksgiving this year
blogger / grapefruit / 4836 posts
my mom passed away 2 days after thanksgiving last year. she is the one who made the holidays really special for us growing up…last year I was pretty numb and just tried to hold everyone together…this year is going to be much harder I think, but I am going to choose some of my favorite traditions of hers to carry on. sending you lots of hugs
coffee bean / 28 posts
Our holidays over the years have changed a bit as well due to losses and health issues for my in-laws and parents. One thing I learned is that just because it isn’t the same it isn’t any less meaningful. i actually look forward to changing things up and trying new recipes or ideas but most important to make it stress free. my holidays now are very different than they were a few years ago but it is still special nonetheless! Last Christmas we had to spend it in a hotel vs at home with our loved ones but we still made it a fun adventure and i look back on it fondly and I was happy to be able to experience that.
blogger / apricot / 431 posts
So sorry to hear about what your family has been going through. Our holiday get togethers are going to start evolving too. I think it’s about being together, starting new traditions with your immediate family, and also allowing traditions to keep evolving. Hope this Thanksgiving, although it will be hard , can still be a meaningful one for you and your whole family.
clementine / 918 posts
I found even if it started as just going through the motions, it’s hard to not get caught up in the Christmas spirit. Also, overschedule… the less time you have to think the less time you have to realize how much this version of Christmas isn’t what you hoped for.
blogger / pomegranate / 3044 posts
I’m so sorry about your dad. I have experience with seeing my grandmother struggle with Alzheimer’s but I know a parent is world’s different. I think your plan sounds lovely and hope you’re still able to enjoy some of the holidays. Hugs mama.
blogger / apricot / 378 posts
That’s so difficult! Your plan sounds perfect, though. Our holidays have been evolving over the last few years too, it’s so difficult to adjust to new traditions and let go of what you’re used to doing!
pomelo / 5678 posts
That’s a great idea – to spend time with others that may be experiencing difficult situations to take you out of yourself. I am a little scared this year of the holidays. My Dad passed right before them last year and I skipped everything and was in a rough place. This year I plan to attend, but I hope I’ll be alright going to the events on his family’s side… I always went to see him and it will inevitably be hard on me.
honeydew / 7811 posts
I am so sorry about your dad. Thank you for sharing this. This will be my family’s first thanksgiving without my dad and I am dreading it honestly. My mom and sister seem to be in good spirits about it lately, and that just makes me feel worse. We are carrying on with the same meal at the same place (my parents house) but it just won’t be the same. It’s also my second born’s first ever thanksgiving, so I’m sad that I’m not more excited for that. I just really miss my dad! He always did the turkey, my favorite green beans, and he always did all the dishes so everyone could relax. He died of lung cancer just a few days before Christmas last year. Sorry for the super long comment! Just hits home for me.
honeydew / 7811 posts
@Greentea:
honeydew / 7811 posts
@Mrs. Lion:
honeydew / 7811 posts
@nana87: I’m so sorry about your father-in-law
honeydew / 7811 posts
@peachykeen:
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Thanksgiving 2011……my 92 year old mom went from living independently in a humble two story house in Cedar Falls , Iowa to a nursing home just two blocks away. She never walked again after that day. On Christmas DAY, in the few minutes I was gone, she crawled out of her chair in massive confusion and fell hard. When I arrived, her face was black and blue. Her onset of dementia caused her to scream, wail, moan, crawl, cry out…………even within the grueling imprisonment of dementia, she was aware enough to know she wanted to go “home”. She was always screaming out for home.
She died June 12, 2012…..about seven torturous months later. At death, she was 71 pounds and had a right leg contracture so tight that her leg was folded in half to her chest.
The added irony is her death journey was at the very nursing she herself had worked at most of her “working life”. I worked there as well as a teen/young adult. Even more ironic and painful, is that she had BEGGED us not to ever put her in that nursing home. Due to many reasons beyond my control, that is exactly where she endured a demise and death that could have been less traumatic, less painful, and less heart wrenching had she been at her house. .
The story is longer with many more ironic variables, but but the short version is this. She left her home on Thanksgiving Day, never to return. She fell and sustained a horrific facial injury on Christmas Day……and several months later she died.
Thanksgiving and Christmas haunt me. Now that family is spread apart across the United States, nothing is the same. She is gone, our traditions are gone, and I prefer to go gently and quietly through both holidays.
It is hard.