I have a goal in mind to breastfeed Little Bug until at he is at least 1 year old, or however long after that he wants. But I have to be honest — I kind of hate breastfeeding. I don’t hate the great things it is doing for him, but I hate a lot of the aspects of it.

I feel like not enough people talk about this, the back and forth in your mind when you are breastfeeding. I love more than anything that I am able to feed my baby from my body and that is an empowering feeling. I like that it is free. I like that he and I get real quality time together every single day where we are touching and having our nursing time. I like that I can whip out a boob just about anywhere and feed him. I feel good about this choice, the one to breastfeed, and I am glad that it is working for us for now.

On the other hand, I feel like I am tied to a certain schedule. I hate that feeling of knowing that every three hours or so, he is going to need to eat. I hate the pressure of trying to make sure that I catch him in time before he loses it from hunger. I really dislike the worry in my mind constantly about whether or not he is getting enough to eat. With his earlier feeding issues, I dreaded every single feed. It was painful and stressful because he would suck so hard and he would choke repeatedly while I tried not to get upset or panicked. It was awful, just awful.

Now that we have his feeding issues mostly resolved, the actual act of nursing has been much more enjoyable, but I still get these feelings of anxiety and uncertainty when feeding him.  I think the worst for me now is that he is increasing the amount he wants to eat and my body is not exactly responding with an increased output. Basically, I am having to go into my reserved freezer stash to supplement his bottles. I worry I don’t have enough stored and then I panic and feel like I have to increase my pumping. And I absolutely hate pumping. It is such a weird and uncomfortable thing for me. I hate how long it takes and I hate feeling like something is milking me.

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The pressure of breastfeeding can be overwhelming. It is so strange to have the idea in your head that you and your body alone are responsible for keeping this little tiny human alive. I used to dread night-time because I never knew what would happen and during the hours of about midnight to 6 am, I am essentially alone. Mr. Cereal is a good sleeper and he rarely wakes up for long, so knowing that I was going to be up alone with the baby made me freak out a little each night before bed. We are on the cusp of having to supplement with formula at bedtime because I just don’t produce enough to really satiate him late at night. I feel sad and relieved about this. Sad because I wish my body would just make enough milk to fill his little belly at night, and relieved because it means that I can take a short break at bedtime and let Mr. Cereal feed him while I tend to LeLe. I’ll still fit in a dream feed just before I go to sleep to keep up my supply, but that 7:00 pm bottle is going to really change the game for me.

When I first started breastfeeding with LeLe, I thought it was going to be a magical experience and I was not prepared at all for how hard it was going to be and how unnatural it would feel to me. We went for almost a year until my milk dried up from being pregnant again, and I am proud of that. I am more confident this time around with Little Bug and I know we can make it longer, even though I am prepared now to have to supplement with formula. I wish that when I was a new mom, someone had been honest with me about how unnatural it might feel to breastfeed. And I wish that I had had people around me who had experienced it along with pumping so they could support me when I needed it.

I’m going to make it to a year, I swear I am. I will push and do everything I can to get there. It’s a personal goal, and one that means a lot to me. But I understand when someone says they hate breastfeeding, and I am the last to judge when people formula feed. I’m a firm believer in doing whatever you need to do to get your baby fed and happy and to keep your sanity.

Does anybody else love and hate breastfeeding at the same time?