I have a goal in mind to breastfeed Little Bug until at he is at least 1 year old, or however long after that he wants. But I have to be honest — I kind of hate breastfeeding. I don’t hate the great things it is doing for him, but I hate a lot of the aspects of it.
I feel like not enough people talk about this, the back and forth in your mind when you are breastfeeding. I love more than anything that I am able to feed my baby from my body and that is an empowering feeling. I like that it is free. I like that he and I get real quality time together every single day where we are touching and having our nursing time. I like that I can whip out a boob just about anywhere and feed him. I feel good about this choice, the one to breastfeed, and I am glad that it is working for us for now.
On the other hand, I feel like I am tied to a certain schedule. I hate that feeling of knowing that every three hours or so, he is going to need to eat. I hate the pressure of trying to make sure that I catch him in time before he loses it from hunger. I really dislike the worry in my mind constantly about whether or not he is getting enough to eat. With his earlier feeding issues, I dreaded every single feed. It was painful and stressful because he would suck so hard and he would choke repeatedly while I tried not to get upset or panicked. It was awful, just awful.
Now that we have his feeding issues mostly resolved, the actual act of nursing has been much more enjoyable, but I still get these feelings of anxiety and uncertainty when feeding him. I think the worst for me now is that he is increasing the amount he wants to eat and my body is not exactly responding with an increased output. Basically, I am having to go into my reserved freezer stash to supplement his bottles. I worry I don’t have enough stored and then I panic and feel like I have to increase my pumping. And I absolutely hate pumping. It is such a weird and uncomfortable thing for me. I hate how long it takes and I hate feeling like something is milking me.
The pressure of breastfeeding can be overwhelming. It is so strange to have the idea in your head that you and your body alone are responsible for keeping this little tiny human alive. I used to dread night-time because I never knew what would happen and during the hours of about midnight to 6 am, I am essentially alone. Mr. Cereal is a good sleeper and he rarely wakes up for long, so knowing that I was going to be up alone with the baby made me freak out a little each night before bed. We are on the cusp of having to supplement with formula at bedtime because I just don’t produce enough to really satiate him late at night. I feel sad and relieved about this. Sad because I wish my body would just make enough milk to fill his little belly at night, and relieved because it means that I can take a short break at bedtime and let Mr. Cereal feed him while I tend to LeLe. I’ll still fit in a dream feed just before I go to sleep to keep up my supply, but that 7:00 pm bottle is going to really change the game for me.
When I first started breastfeeding with LeLe, I thought it was going to be a magical experience and I was not prepared at all for how hard it was going to be and how unnatural it would feel to me. We went for almost a year until my milk dried up from being pregnant again, and I am proud of that. I am more confident this time around with Little Bug and I know we can make it longer, even though I am prepared now to have to supplement with formula. I wish that when I was a new mom, someone had been honest with me about how unnatural it might feel to breastfeed. And I wish that I had had people around me who had experienced it along with pumping so they could support me when I needed it.
I’m going to make it to a year, I swear I am. I will push and do everything I can to get there. It’s a personal goal, and one that means a lot to me. But I understand when someone says they hate breastfeeding, and I am the last to judge when people formula feed. I’m a firm believer in doing whatever you need to do to get your baby fed and happy and to keep your sanity.
Does anybody else love and hate breastfeeding at the same time?
apricot / 422 posts
All of this. Yes.
Our breastfeeding journey had an amazing start. The first four months were great. Then it was like he outgrew the amount I could provide. Nursing has become painful and we are supplementing with formula. I am torn about whether to continue or not after the holidays.
kiwi / 696 posts
So, I breastfed my son for two years, and I never questioned my supply because he was this huge chunky baby, but he nursed a lot. Now I’m nursing my daughter and second guessing myself all the time because she isn’t big and chunky like her brother, even though I know logically that all babies are different. How do you know your baby isn’t satisted and getting enough?
hostess / wonderful persimmon / 25556 posts
I totally agree. Breastfeeding is SO HARD. And if they child doesn’t want to give it up and you do? Talk about guilt. There’s always something. But to be honest, I think I would have liked it a whole lot better if I never had to use that stupid pump that was attached to me 3x/day at work every day.
grape / 86 posts
Could’ve wrote this myself.
I hate not being able to make enough and my little tyke is pleasantly plump looking, but still in the 3-5% for weight (70%for height). I am back at work now pumping and I stress every day if I will get enough. We have been supplementing a couple ounces after I feed him at 7 for bedtime because I wasn’t making enough then as well.
blogger / kiwi / 626 posts
@MsHangry: I totally understand. It’s a ridiculously hard decision to supplement or switch over completely to formula.
@OhCaptain: I’m fairly certain he is still hungry because he continues to frantically nurse when I am dried out. If I give him a bottle of pumped milk after he is done nursing, he usually guzzles a couple more ounces. He is growing just fine, but he definitely acts like he is still hungry.
@mediagirl: Ugh, I loathe my pump. I swear it mocks me while I pump too. Hate it.
@Jone0603: I hate the second pump of the day because I know that is what I need to use for the morning and it never seems like enough anymore. So stressful!
olive / 62 posts
There are so many posts on Hellobee about how physically and emotionally difficult breastfeeding is. I get that — my breastfeeding journey has certainly had its low points. I also understand that it’s hard for moms who are struggling to read about how much someone loves breastfeeding — how it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to them. No one wants to have their setbacks (or their *choice* not to BF) rubbed in their face. But can’t we hear a bit more about the good, instead of all the self doubt and guilt?
I love breastfeeding! It’s so easy to whip out my boob when my baby is hungry. In fact, I’m dreading the transition to solids because I know I’ll struggle to consistently prepare food for my LO. Of course, I’ve had times of self doubt and worry, nursing strikes and sore nipples — but I nursed through them, and I’m glad I did. It kept my supply up and allowed us to continue this wonderful journey together. I look at my six month old baby and think, that’s all me! I made her grow! It makes me so proud, and incredibly grateful.
cantaloupe / 6131 posts
Supplementing is hands down what helped me BF and pump as long as I did. I had an extremely colicky and refluxy newborn and I didn’t sleep for months on end. And I had low supply. Adding ONE bottle of formula a day made all the difference in the world. My husband could help, I could pump or get some rest, and I didn’t have stress about the morning bottle being ready to go (I would pump that AM bottle before bed).
It took me 6 pumps a day at 30 minutes each just to get 22-24oz milk a day. But I was able to do it for 9 months because that 1 bottle of formula gave me a buffer. It allowed me to bank a few ounces some days, I could enjoy a glass of wine, someone else could feed him, etc. I had enough of a stash where we could travel and he got BM for 2-3 more weeks after I pump weaned. And he never had issues going from breast or bottle, BM or formula, and transitioning to formula was a non-issue at 9.5 months.
You never hear enough about combo feeding because everyone wants to be hardcore about it but I fully embrace it and will not hesitate to do it again for my next child.
guest
I agree. I absolutely hate pumping and if I have a second baby will not do it. In my mind there is nothing natural about being milked. I never had enough when I was pumping and it was a terrible feeling to spend all that time and still not do enough. I am happy that I was able to nurse my baby through my maternity leave and in retrospect glad that I lost my milk due to an illness. It spared me the doubt and struggle of having to “choose” to move her to formula.
blogger / kiwi / 626 posts
@gingerbebe: Ahhh, I wish I could hug you! This is exactly what I needed to hear. I feel like that one bottle every evening will give me peace of mind and the mental break that I need.
blogger / kiwi / 626 posts
@Herrade: I totally get your perspective. There are definitely aspects of breastfeeding that I enjoy quite a lot and I do feel empowered by my ability to feed my baby from my body. But I don’t think that it is as easy as it is portrayed to be and I think that when a mom is struggling with her breastfeeding, it is super helpful to know that other people feel the same way. As well as it is helpful for the mommies who love breastfeeding to be able to hear from each other too!
blogger / grape / 92 posts
I mostly loved it, but by the end (we nursed for two years) when things became solely comfort nursing, it began to be a chore. I felt tethered in an unhealthy way, which was how I decided it was time to wean completely. We had made it so long, and through some severe food issues, that it was certainly a sad transition. But a necessary one. Good luck with your next round!