Hellobee

As I mentioned in my introductory post, I am welcoming one-half of my two little bundles of joy next year through the process of surrogacy. I will definitely spend future posts describing the crazy set of circumstances that led us to this point, but first I want to set the stage with a primer post on surrogacy as it is still pretty rare these days.

I knew practically nothing about surrogacy when I started down this path about two years ago. When I thought of surrogacy, I thought of wealthy celebrities and assumed that it was something that was completely out of reach for us mere mortals. I also struggled with the idea of trusting someone else (a stranger!) with my child in one of the most critical moments in his/her development, and I had heard terrifying stories of surro-babies getting locked up in lengthy court battles.

Like most new technologies, the truth of surrogacy is far less out of reach and scary than it initially appears. It is also quickly gaining in popularity as IVF is becoming far more common.

Two types of surrogacy

For starters, it is important to understand the two different kinds of surrogacy. Prior to the recent advances in IVF, “traditional surrogacy” was the only type available whereby the woman who would carry the pregnancy would be inseminated with sperm. Her own egg was used to create the embryo that eventually resulted in a full-term baby. Therefore, in traditional surrogacy, the surrogate has a biological connection to the baby because her egg is used.

In great contrast to traditional surrogacy, most of the surrogate stories that you hear about today involve “gestational surrogacy.” In this type of arrangement, an embryo is created through IVF using an egg that does not belong to the woman who carries the baby. A “gestational surrogate” is referred to alternatively as a “gestational carrier.”

For heterosexual couples that pursue this type of surrogacy, the embryo is typically created with the egg of the intended mother and the sperm of the intended father, and therefore the resulting child is biologically connected to both parents and is only unique in the sense that it was carried by someone other than the biological mother. For homosexual couples that pursue this path (typically men given their obvious need for a uterus!), the embryo is typically created with the egg of a different woman than the surrogate and the sperm of one of the intended fathers.

The risk that the surrogate becomes emotionally attached to the babies is much reduced through gestational surrogacy than traditional surrogacy because she has no biological connection to the baby. Surrogates wanting to keep babies is really more of a media horror story than actual reality. Even if it did happen there is no genetic connection between the surrogate and baby, so there is very little legal ground for a surrogate to make a claim post-birth (unlike with traditional surrogacy). Our surrogate arrangement is of the gestational variety, and I personally like to think of our surrogate as effectively acting as our child’s first baby-sitter, albeit a very important one!

Lingo

Surrogacy carries with it a few special terms. Some of these I’ve already used. Most of us in the surrogate world use the terms “surrogate” and “gestational surrogate” and “gestational carrier” interchangeably.

The mother who is paying the surrogate is referred to as the “intended mother” and the father is referred to as the “intended father.” Together they are called the “intended parents.” This is true whether they are the true biological parents of the child, or if they had to use eggs and/or sperm from another person.

“Matching” refers to the stressful and arduous process whereby the intended parents and a surrogate are paired up to work together. This process can take weeks, months, sometimes even years.

“Surro-baby” is the name that some intended parents and surrogates use to refer to the child that is born through surrogacy. Surrogates in particular like to use this term, as it helps them differentiate between their own children and the children that they helped bring into the world for a couple through surrogacy.

Main players

There are so many players in surrogacy that it can be overwhelming, and keeping track of all of these different parties can be difficult for couples pursuing this path! Apart from the obvious parties, namely the intended parents and the surrogate herself, there are also a host of other individuals and groups that must work together to bring a surro-baby into the world.

A surrogacy agency is often paid to help match the parents with a surrogate. Agencies scout out potential surrogates, play match-maker, and also often help coordinate many of the details of the process including clinical procedures, legal contracts, psychological screening, and much more. I personally view our agency as our “guide” through surrogacy; she has helped to educate us, boost us as we had to jump over several hurdles, and has been an amazing cheerleader throughout! I truly cannot imagine trying to manage and navigate this process without the help of our wonderful agency.

Attorneys are absolutely critical players in surrogacy, and are retained from the very start of the surrogacy process. For our part, meeting with a specialized attorney who regularly deals with surrogacy and adoption was the very first step that we took to learn more about the process. Throughout our surrogacy journey, we have worked with no fewer than five attorneys!

Fertility clinics are necessary to medically evaluate the surrogate, as well as for all of the procedures involved in transferring a couple’s embryo to the third party. Couples regularly deal with multiple individuals at clinics, including the doctor, 1-3 coordination nurses, 1-2 IVF nurses, receptionists to help schedule the bevy of appointments, technicians who evaluate the cycle’s progress, and of course the decidedly un-fun billing department.

Smaller players include pharmacies, insurance companies, companies that act as an intermediary in the surrogate’s payment process, and specialized psychologists and support group members and friends to help the couple and surrogate through the unique emotions tied to surrogacy.

So there are the basics on surrogacy. I can’t wait to fill you in on more detail of all the aspects of this process in future posts, as well as get more personal with my own unique surrogacy story!