Being an older mom and having my first when I was 38, I knew that if I wanted another child, I needed to act quickly since my biological clock was clicking like a time bomb. However, unlike a few of my AMA (advanced maternal age) mom friends who currently have two under two, I still only have one daughter who will be turning three this May and I’m currently not pregnant.
So does this mean that I’m one and done?
I’ve had to think a lot about this in the past few months and I am still unsure. Ideally, I would love to have another child but I have a few fears and concerns especially since I just turned 41 last fall. Statistically speaking, the odds are not ever in my favor and that scares me.
After DD turned one in May of 2014, we were open to having another child, but we decided to wait another 6 months before really trying. Once she was a year and a half old, we started TTC but that’s when Mr. Schoolbus got busy with work and would work late nights or travelled often during the days when I was ovulating! Talk about bad timing! Fast forward a year later and still no baby or pregnancy. I’ve been charting. I peed on ovulation sticks to see when my peak days were. But life happens and sometimes DTD when you need to doesn’t happen when you want it to. It has been a bit discouraging and disappointing to say the least. So what’s an advanced advanced maternal aged mom who wants another baby supposed to do? Here are a few options:
1) FERTILITY TREATMENTS – Some of my friends have asked us why we don’t try IVF or go see a fertility specialist. I was able to get pregnant the first time without seeing a fertility specialist, so I don’t feel the need to do so with a second child. I know plenty of people who have different opinions about it, but for myself this was never something I even thought about or considered. I know that I could possibly be experiencing secondary infertility, but if that’s the case then maybe it’s not meant for us to expand our family. The cost of seeking fertility treatments isn’t covered by my insurance anyway, so that in and of itself makes it a less feasible option.
3) ONE & DONE – We would love to have a sibling for Little Schoolbus but if it doesn’t happen, it wouldn’t be the end of the world. Everything with my daughter thus far has been relatively “easy.” My pregnancy was smooth despite my age. My labor and delivery was uneventful – from my first contraction to when I delivered her was a little over 9 hours. She has been pretty healthy minus a few colds, fevers and upset stomachs here and there. She’s hit all her milestones and is an easy-going yet shy child. I have no complaints about motherhood other than the usual gripes of being a mom. If we are unable to have another child, I would be sad but I like our little family of three. So being “one and done” isn’t a devastating option in my mind. However, I would feel a little bit of guilt that I wasn’t able have another child and provide a sibling for her. Little Schoolbus has been around a couple of babies and seems to actually like them. When we visited and hung out with friends with babies, she didn’t care for them at first but then later, she warmed up to them. She even talks about them sometimes. Seeing her fawn over one now that she is older tugs at my heart and thinks about what a great older sister she would be. The fact that we couldn’t provide that for her makes me so sad.
. . . . .
Out of all the options, the one that gives me the most grief is being one and done. Even though I tell myself that it’s perfectly fine to have one child, I think the guilt of not being able to have another one tears me up inside. I also don’t want option 3 to be “forced” on me, but for it to be my choice which I’m not completely ready to embrace just yet. Honestly speaking, if I was even a couple of years younger, I wouldn’t feel this way because I would feel like there was still time. But being in my early 40s, time is not my friend but an enemy since each cycle without a pregnancy is a reminder to me that time is ticking and will run out soon.
Mr. Schoolbus and I haven’t made any definite decisions about this just yet. He’s also in the middle of transitioning to a new career, but we will know within the next couple of months which direction we will be headed. But for now, we will keep TTC. I will keep charting. I will keep peeing on sticks.
Did anything influence your decision to either have more kids or be one and done?
cherry / 141 posts
Such a hard place to be in. We were there directly after our first. I was like “never again!!!!” We decided to give ourselves time to think it over. We waited till our first was 2 1/2 to make the decision. We prayed alot about the decision and left it up to God. Not that we stopped using protection but waited till both my husband and I felt a yes or no from him. We eventually both heard a resounding yes. But I definitely miss our dynamic as a family of 3 in lots of ways. Our baby is just 5 weeks old so I’m missing the sleep too haha. I miss the time with my first alot-more than I thought I would. It”s all a transition but I think both options are good-one and done but I know as we settle I won’t be able to imagine life without either of them. goodluck with your decision!
pomegranate / 3355 posts
This so resonates with me. We had our first when I was 36. Due to some health issues with DH we didn’t exactly start TTC #2 when we had planned and it got pushed back by about 8 months….. unfortunately for us those 8 months could prove to be quite costly for us. We began trying and it didn’t happen. Granted our first was conceived very quickly. Long story short is that we ended up with an RE and have secondary infertility. It’s not an easy thing to deal with and I am struggling with trying to decide how far and how much$ we are willing to put out. I’m just not ready to give up on having LO#2 yet……
I also feel the most quilt if we end up not having #2 that I wasn’t able to give LO1 a sibling, it literally breaks my heart.
pear / 1622 posts
I had my first when I was almost 37 and even though I said I always want to have more than 1, I knew I needed to take it one at a time and not try to think too far ahead (enjoy the moment). We decided to try again around the 1 year mark but set a time limit to it because of my age. Now I am 38 and expecting LO2 and I know I am 2 and through with pregnancies. My doctor encouraged me not to think like that though saying I have lots of time. I have several friends who conceived in their 40s and everything went great but I decided I don’t want to be pregnant in my 40s. I’d be open to adoption if the timing was right for our family (considering finances) and if adoption is not possible, I think I’d be OK.
Good luck with your decision!
guest
Just wanted to post from an only-child’s perspective – since I haven’t minded being an only child at all! There is a sense of peace and calm that comes with growing up as an only-child that I am missing as a mom to two. There is so much chaos with more than one kiddo and I fondly remember the special bond that I had with my family!
guest
I appreciate this post so much! I was 36 when I had my first daughter, who is now 2. We spent a solid year TTC until we we decided we were going to “see someone” about it, and then found we were newly pregnant. Many friends are in their late 30’s/early 40’s with small kids but I don’t want to wait too much longer to have a second baby–though I’m unsure if I even want to try for one. My husband just turned 40, and we both have younger brother’s, and I am weary of another pregnancy because my first was pretty brutal…I’m still not sure, but I know I don’t want to wait until were that much older. I see my friends kids who have siblings and it just seems right….I just don’t want to deal with all the months of struggles of TTC, and am weary of the maternal age risks, which were present with my first as well. We aren’t getting any younger! Pregnancy is so taxing in your 30’s, compared to your 20’s. The fact that biologically we are most fertile and “prepared” so young is kind of crazy now! Good luck in your journey.
coffee bean / 46 posts
I’m an Only Child and loved it. And my child will be an Only Child (I’m 45). So I’m at peace with this, but I know many people who struggle. I recommend reading “One and Only”. Talks about the research out there showing all the reasons that being and Only is awesome!
guest
My husband and I are in our late twenties and are expecting our first child this week (today is my due date, actually). Getting pregnant was a challenge for us and after over two years of TTC, we started seeing an RE and conceived this little miracle after our first IVF cycle. That being said, this baby was the only embryo that matured enough for transfer and we had none left to be frozen. Our RE has attributed our fertility problems to poor egg quality. While it is possible for this to change, I have come to peace with the fact that we may have this one miracle baby and be done. I, myself, am an only child, and I NEVER asked for a sibling. For me, having this one child is a blessing and any more would be lagniappe. A lot of our friends and family have a hard time accepting this, and they repeatedly encourage us that now that the fertility ball is rolling I could be a Fertile Myrtle; surely we will have more children. They don’t understand my perspective, and sometimes that’s frustrating, but ultimately it is not their decision. It may seem crazy for us to feel this way, considering our age, but for us it is easier and we are so joyful for this child that my heart doesn’t feel empty for another. I wish you all the best in making your decision. Please do not ever worry about letting your daughter down because you were unable to provide a sibling for her. Your love is enough.
blogger / apricot / 349 posts
@kellyrae: Thank you for sharing & congrats on your new little one! Yea, there’s a lot of pros and cons to it– but ultimately, I do have to trust in God and be at peace regardless of which decision we end up making.
@Ajsmommy: I know.. the guilt is what kills me inside. But I have to try hard not to let that eat me up because as moms, I’m sure there’s so many things we feel guilty about. Good luck in your journey too!
@autumnleaves: Thank you for sharing & for your encouragement. Good luck with your pregnancy!
blogger / apricot / 349 posts
Thank you Morgan for your words and perspective from an adult who was an only child. I’ve heard mixed opinions about it from friends who were an only child so it’s nice to hear this!
Thank you Jessica R. for your thoughts and well wishes! I hope things go well in your journey as well and that your 2nd pregnancy won’t be as hard as your first!
@Mmsva: I’ll have to check out that book! Thanks for the recommendation! (looking it up on Amazon right now!)
Emily- good luck with your labor & delivery! Thank you for sharing your perspective and for your encouragement. I think it’s only natural for people to keep asking about your 2nd baby– and especially because you guys are young- they will probably keep asking you. I’ll try to remind myself that my love is enough for my daughter and most of the time I do remember that– but sometimes, the guilt creeps up on me and I let that get me down.
But I’ll have to keep reminding myself that what matters more than anything is that my daughter feels loved by us.
guest
I had my daughter just after I turned 37. I also thought that I would end up with 2 under 2. We started trying just after she turned a year, and while we don’t have any trouble getting pregnant, I lost 2 pregnancies in a row in tge first trimester. I was devastated and had decided that I could only try one more time. I started going for acupuncture and told the Dr that I wanted to have another baby before I was 40. Well, it only took 2 months to get pregnant again and I am now 19 weeks. This baby is due exactly 2 weeks before my 40th birthday. I am still afraid of something going wrong, and I know that this will have to be it if the worst does happen. It is such a hard, emotional decision and I wish you the best.
blogger / apricot / 349 posts
@Melissa- Thank you for sharing. Miscarriages are so tough. I’m so happy for you that you’re progressing nicely in your pregnancy! I know it’s hard not to worry but I also believe that our bodies are pretty amazing. Take it easy and try not to worry too much. Thank you for our well wishes.