I have been commuting to my current job for 10 years. Driving back and forth. Listening to the same songs play over and over on the radio. Then last year, I discovered podcasts during all of the hubbub over the true crime story, Serial. And I was hooked. Just like that — a reason to look forward to my drive.

This morning, I was listening to The Longest Shortest Time, a parenting show that Mrs. Milk has shared before. I came across two back-to-back episodes on c-sections and found them FASCINATING.

In Episode #71, a doula walks a man through a role-play of the moments leading up to and during the surgery, and a mom recounts the sense of guilt and failure that she felt from her first cesarean as well as a simple innovation that helped her better cope with the emotions of her second — a small flap in the sheet just big enough to see her baby as he was born. In Episode #72, the women from Stuff Mom Never Told You (another podcast that I just added to my queue) give some history and statistics on the topic, and a few listeners from different backgrounds and cultures share their personal experiences.

Both of my boys were born via c-section.

The first was a blur. I was sent from my 39-week appointment straight to the hospital and admitted with severe preeclampsia. They set up to induce me as I tried and tried to get a hold of Mr. Broccoli. They managed my blood pressure with magnesium and induced with Pitocin. As labor contractions began, my doctor broke my water and felt a smooth little butt where she expected to feel a head. Breech. Mr. Broccoli arrived just in time to learn that I would be having a cesarean.

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From there, it was a downward spiral. It took seven tries to run my IV and three tries for my spinal block to work without sending electric jolts through my legs. They forgot Mr. Broccoli waiting nervously in the hallway for the first several minutes of the surgery. Our baby was born and whisked away as chaos set in. I was experiencing uterine atony — my uterus was not contracting and I was hemorrhaging. They were able to manage the situation, but it was taking longer than usual. I was starting to get some feeling back in my torso. They couldn’t find the anesthesiologist, but they could give me a concoction of pain medications. And then I was hallucinating and vomiting. Welcome to the world, baby Leo!

The second was supposed to be scheduled. Then five weeks before Edwin was due, my blood pressure spiked. Preeclampsia again. I was admitted to the hospital for observation overnight. I figured they would send me home the next day. Maybe put me on bedrest. But in the morning, as my blood pressure continued to rise, my doctor advised we move before it became an emergency situation. Within an hour, I was prepped for surgery. This time, everything went smoothly. My anesthesiologist kept me laughing and put me at ease. Mr. Broccoli was right at my side (or head, rather). I listened to my doctor and nurses chat about their weekend. I heard the familiar reassuring cry of my baby and saw his squirmy, little body lifted over the sheet.

First moments with Edwin post c-section
First moments with Edwin post c-section

Here’s the thing: In the end, it doesn’t matter to me. Sure, when I recount my birth stories (which I rarely do), they aren’t what I had envisioned. I would have preferred to have vaginal births. I would have loved to snuggle my babies immediately and endlessly. I would have passed on the long recovery from major abdominal surgery. But all I really cared about was that my babies were here (perhaps an even bigger feat after our struggle to conceive). I didn’t feel guilty. I didn’t feel like I failed. I did feel like I was pretty darn brave.

That being said, I certainly understand and respect the emotions of women who struggle with disappointment over their c-section. I just wish that wasn’t the case. I wish there wasn’t a stigma attached to it. Like infertility and miscarriage, I wish that women talked about it more openly as part of the big, complicated world of conception and birth that we all share.

In Episode #71 of the podcast, the doula who leads the cesarean role-play says she tries to give parents the tools to cope with everything from a drug-free labor to an unplanned c-section. She talks about the emotions, the process, the sights — even the smells. What a concept! I wonder how many birthing classes include c-sections? Mine didn’t. I think that would have been immensely helpful. My instructor did however, advise that the greatest birth plan is to be flexible. And that turned out to be all too true.

Did you have a c-section? How did you cope?