This week I’ve been in touch with my OB-GYN, a medical supply company, and my insurance company to get the ball rolling on ordering a breast pump. I thought that this would be a good point for me to stop and reflect on my thoughts about breastfeeding.

With two little ones on the way, one being delivered by me and one by our surrogate, even things like breastfeeding are complicated. My biggest concerns at this moment include 1) supply – will I produce enough for two babies? and 2) timing – specifically, the babies are due five weeks apart so is it appropriate for me to breastfeed the second baby immediately upon her birth considering that she won’t get colostrum but instead will get the more mature breastmilk that her older sister has developed a taste for?

I’ve talked to our surrogate about some of these concerns and she is going to help us out while we’re in Utah with supplying colostrum and breastmilk for baby girl number two. We are incredibly grateful for this offer, and are definitely planning to take her up on this! This will hopefully solve the initial problem of supply and timing. The plan is for her to pump the liquids rather than directly breastfeed the baby, for a couple of reasons. The most obvious reason is that the baby will not be in proximity to her after we all leave the hospital, and we don’t want our surrogate to have to wake up for any nighttime feedings while in the hospital either. The more delicate reason is that we are sensitive to avoiding any maternal bonding that may occur from our surrogate directly breastfeeding the baby.

Once we leave Utah, we could have our surrogate pump and ship her breastmilk to us. She has indicated an interest in pumping regardless of our wants/needs, so the breastmilk will either go to us or to someone else in need. But at this time, we are thinking that we will try to get baby number two to transition to my breastmilk when we leave Utah. The main reason for this is simply expense – it ain’t cheap to ship breastmilk halfway across the country on a regular basis!

ADVERTISEMENT

Now I will admit that thinking about supplying enough breastmilk for two babies on my own once we get home to Chicago is overwhelming and anxiety-inducing. I simply do not know if I can do it. For starters, one of the reasons for my past infertility issues is that I have pretty severe PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). Unfortunately, throughout my pregnancy I’ve been reading that PCOS highly correlates with difficulties breastfeeding. Lucky me!

I’m also worried about getting any sleep or rest if I breastfeed both babies. With both of them in very different stages of development in the early weeks, it seems likely that one will be waking while another is snoozing, and vice-versa. I think that at the very least, I will resort to a great deal of pumping rather than direct breastfeeding in order to allow myself some rest while Mr. Starfish attends to his share of feeding shifts.

In the end, I’ve decided to give this whole breastfeeding/pumping thing a hearty attempt. I’ve read the same advice and studies as every other mother-to-be out there and feel that I have to at least try. But I also am trying not to put a whole lot of pressure on myself to make this work. This is uncomfortable for me to admit, because I’ve always been an over-achiever who strives to do everything exactly as prescribed by experts.

My attempt at this more relaxed attitude is one that I attribute to my infertility journey. For over three years, I cursed my body for failing to do things as natural as ovulating, conceiving, and becoming pregnant. At times, I had a very unhealthy relationship with my body over these failures. Due to that struggle, the thought that my body may possibly fail me once again, this time to breastfeed, doesn’t seem far-fetched to me. While I’ve partially recovered from my body’s hurdles in becoming pregnant, it is really important to me that I don’t fall into these patterns of body battles and ugly thoughts once again. And I especially don’t want to be mentally battling my body and its limitations while I could instead be spending that mental energy on my two new baby girls.

Maybe when the time comes, this crazy body of mine will surprise me and milk will spill out of me with ease. Heck, my body has surprised me a heck of a lot over the past year and I’m sure it could do it again! But in the more likely scenario that my body again struggles, I’m done fighting and hating and cursing my body. That is not the kind of example that I want to set for my girls regarding their own bodies, and I’ll be striving to be grateful for the positive surprises that my body delivers to me rather than the negative.