As parents, we hear “follow your instincts” a lot. “Gut instinct” is supposed to be our North Star, the answer to any problem we can’t read about, logic out, or Google our way to a solution on.

I am a big believer in gut instinct, and especially over the past 3 years as a parent, I’ve spent a lot of time trying to be a better listener when it comes to my instincts. As a new parent especially, we are bombarded with so much contradictory advice, it can be overwhelming and downright traumatizing trying to figure out what to do, for fear of getting it wrong and messing up our kids. In hindsight (because it’s always perfect vision, when you look back!), these are the times that gut instinct is usually our best guide – sometimes there really is no one good answer, and all the advice you get makes sense, so looking inward and focusing on the way you’re leaning makes for the best choice in the haze of information overload.

But what if your own gut instinct is confused? What if you can see both sides of the situation and you aren’t pulled in one direction or another very strongly? What if your “what if” is strong, but so is your “this is nothing”? In situations like these, which happen more often than not, I’ve been using a few questions to help guide myself to a course of action.

1) What’s the worst thing that can happen? I then choose the path that has the less drastic potential outcomes. For example, Baby C just recently turned 3, and she has visited the emergency room 4 times. Every single time, when we arrived to the ER to check in, the first words out of my mouth have been “I’m probably being ridiculous, but…” and with the exception of one instance, in which she was coming down with Hand, Foot, Mouth and spiked a crazy high fever out of nowhere, there was absolutely nothing for me to worry about at any of those visits. But I couldn’t shake a feeling that something was wrong. Most recently, we came back from our pool, where Baby C splashed around for over an hour, and as we were changing her, I noticed her lips were very blue. She let out a big, wet burp, a few hiccups, and her color began to come back, but for the next couple of hours, the edges of her lips remained blueish. She also developed a cough, and didn’t want to eat her dinner, which was very unusual for her, but otherwise she was playing and going about her day as usual. After consulting Dr. Google, I couldn’t shake a sense that maybe she has water in her lungs, which could lead to dry drowning.

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She didn’t have a lot of other symptoms – tiredness, crankiness, etc. – but I was absolutely terrified of putting her to bed, even though the other side of my gut was fairly sure she just got a little cold and everything was fine. I decided to let my fear guide me, because I’d rather be safe and know for sure she’s OK (and look ridiculous) than sorry about ignoring that feeling and potentially having my kid be in real medical trouble. Of course, she was perfectly fine and spent hours in the ER entertaining other kids, much to the amusement and crankiness of many parents, and I felt ridiculous, but if I had to do it again, I’d do the same thing.

2) Whose needs are bigger/more pressing in this situation, and who can more effectively manage not having those needs met? For example, almost immediately after she turned 3, Baby C developed a separation anxiety unlike anything I’ve ever seen before. Part of it came on due to my own adventure in a hospital shortly after her birthday and her concern about me, but also contributing is her growing brain as it learns what fear is and new experiments with bedtime stalling tactics. All this has led to her new insistence that I sit in the room with her while she falls asleep. For the past few weeks that this has been going on, I’ve been listening to my internal argument while laying on the floor next to my kid’s bed. Do I continue to do this, or do I get firm and tell her that she has to go to sleep on her own, as she has done for nearly her entire life? Do I let her cry when she gets upset about me leaving her room, or do I go and comfort her and stay? Am I creating new bad habits by doing this? How long is too long for this to be a phase? And on and on and on.

So far, I’ve relied on the side of my instinct that says she needs some extra TLC and to give it to her. While it sucks to be laying on the floor with her every night and not getting any of my own TLC, she clearly needs more right now to get through this phase in her development, and the upset with which she reacts if she isn’t given that care is intense. I’ve been experimenting with leaving the room and letting her be on her own as much as she’ll last, but if she gets upset, I go back and stay with her. While I do worry about bad habits and this lasting too long, I’ve decided that my instinct to comfort is stronger than my instinct to instill discipline, and while it sucks that my need for down time isn’t being met, I’m able to manage that better than my kid can her anxiety. This might change in a few weeks, but for now, I’m hanging out on the floor, holding her hand.

3) Is this worth the effort? Toddlers are funny creatures – they can go on for weeks with excitement about a friend’s upcoming birthday party and then get hysterical about actually going to the party because it interrupts whatever else is more important that day. We run into this a lot with Baby C, who needs a lot of time to wake up and get back to normal after she naps. Often when something is right after her nap, no matter how excited she might be about that thing, she will refuse to go because she hasn’t yet fully re-entered the world after sleep. The same thing happens with planning outings – one day we’re excited about going on a road trip to a fun location, and then want to have nothing to do with it when the day comes. And I often find myself wondering if I should push her, because it’s important to keep your commitments, or if I should let her mood and desire at the time take precedence. In this situation, I often go to my “is this worth it” deliberation. If it’s an outing, like going to a park, and other people aren’t involved, the answer is usually no, let’s just change course. If it’s a longer term outing but still no people are involved, we might push a bit and remind her about all the exciting things she’ll get to see as an incentive to get going. And usually when other people are involved – especially birthday parties, which I am a big believer in going to – I will do everything I can to make sure we go, even if to make a quick appearance. The only exceptions are when the resistance seems to be intense, with tears and actual arguments rather than just sleepiness or not wanting to leave a game. At that point, something else is usually going on and I try to take the time to figure out what’s happening.

What tips and tricks do you use when you’re not quite sure what to do?