On Friday, we went for Little Bug’s 15-month checkup. He’s doing great, gaining weight well, and reaching his milestones. I don’t freak out about these appointments like I used to. I figure if something is wrong, I’ll find out there and take whatever the next step is to correct something. So, with that being said, I was prepared to bring up the fact that he isn’t talking at all yet. The books all say that he should have five words by now, but he has exactly zero at this point. He sometimes tries to say a word, but he doesn’t open his mouth, so they all tend to sound like mumbles. He doesn’t say mama or dada with purpose yet either. I am not worried about this — I feel like he will get there eventually. He understands what we are saying to him and can follow many different directions we give him. He just isn’t using real words yet. My pediatrician wasn’t worried either, but suggested going to early intervention to see what they thought. We have not made that appointment yet, but I still just don’t feel all that worried about it. My mind is focused on other things to worry about, things that I have less control over.

I worry frequently about whether or not my kids will be nice. And whether they will have friends. It’s a weird conundrum for me because I am pretty shy, and so is Mr. Cereal, but LeLe and Little Bug are both incredibly outgoing and social. I don’t even know how to encourage this in them. Honestly, it kind of freaks me out that they are so quick to make friends and so confident in themselves that they can approach another kid and start conversations so easily. I am always on the side, watching and waiting to see how the other kids react. I especially worry with LeLe in this area because she loves other kids so much and she is still too young to understand when another kid is mean to her. She will remember that a kid pushed her or threw sand at her, but it doesn’t stop her from trying with the next kid.

I worry about the kids getting sick. Even small colds make me really uncomfortable and uneasy. I hate seeing them in pain, or unhappy, and it is especially hard with Little Bug because he can’t really communicate yet to tell me what is hurting or bothering him. Fevers are something that really scares me because they are so unpredictable and they change so quickly. I wonder if I am alone in my worry about sicknesses. I know my kids will get sick, probably a lot, and I also know that I can’t prevent that. I don’t do anything over the top to prevent colds in my house, but when one happens, I want to shut down and stay at home with whoever is sick to cuddle them all day.

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I worry about when they won’t like me. I know this time will come. I know that they will probably both tell me they hate me at some point. I dread these days. I have this idea in my head that I can prevent this by being loving to them and making them feel safe, but part of growing up is exerting your freedom, and one of the ways to do this is to separate from your parents. This is a ways off for me, but man it scares me! I worry about it getting harder and harder as the years go by and they become more and more independent. Maybe I even worry about it getting easier because that means that they don’t need me as much.

I worry about something happening to me or Mr. Cereal. I know I am not alone in this one. I sometimes wonder how many other parents feel this fear. I worry about getting sick and dying, or being unable to care for them. I worry about something happening and they are too young to remember me. I know these kinds of worries are futile, and probably not very healthy, but when you have kids, and you love them so much, it’s hard not to consider these situations.

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These are some of those things I was not prepared for when I first had kids. The last fear especially, I was caught off guard by. I guess I truly didn’t consider how much I would love my kids. I mean, I knew I would love them, but I really love them. The good news, for now, is that I am able to let these worries float in and out of my head without them taking over my mind completely. That feels like good progress for me. Who knows, maybe I will find less and less things to worry about. But seriously, who am I kidding?