Hellobee

My best friend, D, is single and does not have kids. We’ve known each other since 2003, and although we have been through many ups and downs, it’s been established that we are there for each other, no matter what. We may not live in the same city or see each other more than once or twice a year, but our friendship is solid. I owe a lot of the credit to D. She is a planner extraordinaire, and loves coming up with ways for us to connect. But I’ve always been the executor of our relationship, so it’s up to me to make sure we both follow through. Here are some of the ways we stay in touch and relate to each other, despite the distance and the fact that we have very different priorities at this phase in our lives.

Disney World 2015 (D, me, and A)!

1. We take trips together. We are lucky enough to get to see each other at least once a year, often twice. D used to live in Austin and comes to visit once a year or so. When I can, I visit her in NYC, and other times we take girls trips together with our other BFF, A. In 2015 we went to Disney World, just the three of us, and it was magical. This past summer, I traveled to visit D in New York along with Mr. Cotton Candy and Little Cotton Candy. As nice as modern technology is for staying in touch with people long distance, there is really no substitute for sitting around and drinking wine and talking together in person. It’s trickier catching up with a toddler around, but luckily Mr. Cotton Candy always swoops in to take over wrangling duties and give us time to talk.

2. We have regular Skype sessions. D, A, and I schedule bi-monthly Skype video calls, where we catch each other up on everything going on in our lives. A lives an hour from me and we see each other more often than we see D, but it’s nice to get together on Skype so it’s all three of us. We either do these video calls at night, after kids are in bed (A has kids, too), or on the weekend, when Mr. Cotton Candy is around to play with Little Cotton Candy. Since we started these Skype sessions a few years ago, we have all three become closer. Sometimes they involve coffee and breakfast, other times they involve a little too much wine (oops!). It’s a far cry from our college days of chain-smoking and drinking Shiner Bock, but it fits where we are in life now.

3. We use WhatsApp as an ongoing group chat. When we’re all too busy to talk on the phone or Skype—or when we have news we need to update each other on—D, A, and I use WhatsApp to maintain a continuing conversation. We started using this app when I got a new phone that didn’t support group texts (what the heck, Sony?), and now we use it pretty much every day. It’s one part “emergency” updates, one part “I’m bored and work and need a distraction,” and one part “here’s what’s going on in my life in case you miss me.”

4. We work on achieving emotional goals together. D, A, and & I do all kinds of goal-oriented self-improvement activities together. We write down new year’s resolutions, we maintain happiness jars that we fill with little notes to ourselves when something positive and noteworthy happens, we create vision boards filled with goals, and we are constantly thinking up new ways to talk about personal improvement. This just happens to be something the three of us like to work on together, but if you are looking at ways to connect with your BFF, substitute your favorite hobbies here. I think it would be fun to do a monthly Skype book club or even joint yoga sessions.

5. We listen and make compromises. It’s not that we’re always on the same page. I’m sure there are times when D gets tired of hearing about my kid, and there are times when I find her single life hard to relate to. But we respect each other and try to empathize. D is not a kid person, but she makes a big effort to engage with Little Cotton Candy when we’re all together, and always listens when I have a kid-related problem to talk about. I don’t need her to understand the anxiety and stress I have that’s related to parenting; I just need her to acknowledge my feelings. Likewise, I can’t remember what it’s like to not have a kid, so there are times when I can’t relate to her life, but I try to be the best friend I can and respect that her choices and daily activities are just as valid and nuanced as mine.

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Ultimately, all of these things add up to making my BFF a priority, even when it’s hard. It would be easy to say “I don’t have time to talk to you right now,” but my friendships are important to me, and sometimes that means making my friends a priority even if I would rather go to bed early or zone out with some TV. Do we sometimes cancel a Skype session last minute when something comes up? Yep. Do we hold it against each other? Never. At this point the three of us have seen the best and worst in each other, and we still choose to keep each other in our lives. We have fun together, we can share pretty much anything, and we consider each other family.

How do you maintain friendships after having kids? Do you have any close friends without kids?