Hellobee

Lion has had definite parental preferences throughout his life, most of the time swinging more toward Mr. Dolphin. Panda seems to have a slight parental preference toward me, but he is such a happy and easygoing baby, that it can be hard to tell.

Lion seemed to be pretty neutral through the first ten months of his life, when all of a sudden he only wanted Mr. Dolphin. This preference came totally out of the blue and, we later found out, coincided with becoming pregnant with Panda, though we didn’t find out until a month later when I was 7 weeks pregnant. Throughout pregnancy with Panda, I often felt a little slighted and disappointed that Lion didn’t gravitate more toward me, especially when I was the one who participated in all of his favorite activities, like roughhousing and cooking! Still, I didn’t fight it too much, knowing that a newborn baby would take quite a bit of my attention. Although Lion seemed to accept me more after Panda was born, he still seemed to have a preference for his father.

Even though his preference for Mr. Dolphin could be tough on me sometimes, it always warmed my heart to see his giant smiles for his Papa.

Parental preference can be hard on both parents, making one parent feel slighted while making the other feel exhausted! I found Mr. Bee’s and Mrs. Garland’s  posts and we’ve implemented their various tips, as well as others. Since actively taking steps to combat parental preference (which hit hardest around ages 12 months to 18 months) almost immediately after Panda’s birth the pendulum swung too far toward my direction! We had to recalibrate, again, but not much. Today, it seems that his preference is entirely dependent on his mood on that particular day, which I am fine with. I must admit, it makes me happy when I hear Lion asking for me after months where he would only want Papa.

Here’s what we did to alter Lion’s parental preference. Mostly, it just centered around quality time, which appears to be Lion’s love language.

Love this sweet boy!

Took Lion to the park one-on-one. In some ways, the parental preference seemed to be a self-perpetuating cycle. Lion preferred Mr. Dolphin, so we would let Mr. Dolphin play with him. Of course, then Lion started associating fun activities only with Mr. Dolphin. Additionally, while I would work on making dinner, Mr. Dolphin would often take Lion to the park to run off energy. When I started taking to Lion to the park myself, without Mr. Dolphin, he started to realize that he could have fun with me, as well. The first few times, he would become upset and say he wanted to go with Mr. Dolphin, but after awhile, he would happily put his shoes on and say, “Bye, Papa! I go to park now! Bye!”

We set the rules for Mr. Dolphin’s involvement. When Lion was a young infant, he loved going grocery shopping with me. Every Saturday, I would take him to the store at 6am, letting Mr. Dolphin sleep in. We would roam the aisles and he enjoyed looking around. When he started preferring Mr. Dolphin at ten-months-old, I didn’t insist that Lion come shopping with me. Instead, we let him demand that Mr. Dolphin join us. Soon after Panda was born, I asked Lion if he wanted to go grocery shopping. At first, he insisted that he wanted Papa to come, but we stood firm and said that Mr. Dolphin had to stay home with Panda. I told Lion he could also stay home, or he could go shopping, but if he elected to go out, it would only be with me. He ultimately decided that he would rather go shopping with me than stay home. We didn’t force him to go with me, just gave him the option and let him choose.

Created weekly special rituals. As another example, one of the parks near our home does train rides and children under-two can ride for free. Once the train opened for the season in April, we would all go to the park as a family on Saturday mornings, but I would be the one to take Lion on the train while Mr. Dolphin pushed Panda around in the stroller. Lion loved riding the train with me, but he would also be very excited when we de-boarded. He would spring to Mr. Dolphin and announce, “Papa! I ride the train with Mama!”

Created special moments. Prior to giving birth, we planned out special events for Lion for those first few months of Panda’s life. We did so to ensure that Lion still felt like he was getting quality time and attention, hoping to curb any sibling jealousy. These events became a perfect opportunity to let Lion and I have some one-on-one time and show him that I could be a fun parent, too! It also let Mr. Dolphin, who had almost no paternity leave this time around due to job changes, have some bonding time with Panda. Lion loved our outing to see Peter and the Wolf, performed by the Baltimore Symphony Orchestra, and excitedly told Mr. Dolphin about the music he saw with Mama when we arrived back home.

He happily let me take him on the carousel when the choice was to go with me, or not at all, thus letting us create our own special memories.

Took credit for things I did. Often when we would take Lion out to a fun event or if I picked up a special treat, he wouldn’t think much of it or would assume that Mr. Dolphin was the one taking him, since he was almost always in his father’s arms. Mr. Dolphin started explicitly telling Lion, “You should thank Mama. She is the one who wanted to take you to Truck Touch!” or “Mama went to the library today to get you new books.” Lion then started thanking me and repeating back what Mr. Dolphin said, asking “You go to the library and bring me books?”

When the pendulum swung too far in my direction, it was easier to recalibrate because we only waited a couple of weeks before working to even things out a bit. We simply let Mr. Dolphin read Lion a few more books or let Mr. Dolphin play with Lion a bit more. It now seems like one day Lion prefers me, another day he might prefer Mr. Dolphin, and on another he has zero preference.

We have no doubt, however, that they are each others’ best friends and we are distant seconds/thirds…