In my previous post I talked about the two books that helped me with the early months of having a baby and how we came to the decision to sleep train StarCakes. Now that my babies have turned into toddlers I’ve been dealing with different kinds of issues – emotions, independence, and discipline. These struggles for independence can wear down a parent-child relationship, sometimes to the point where I wonder how do I show my kid love amidst all the discipline and teachable moments? Here is a book that I have turned to in my time of need for information on how to love my toddlers despite the messiness of toddlerhood.

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Book #3 – The Five Love Languages of Children

I first read the adult version of this book which helped me better understand how Mr. Cheesecake and I express and experience love. It covered five love languages: Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Gifts, Acts of Services and Physical Touch. I didn’t realize that love could take so many forms and that it could be spoken and perceived differently. I tend to express love through Gifts and Quality Time while he uses Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation. It was eye-opening realizing how we often miscommunicated with our differing love languages. It is still a struggle sometimes to speak love languages that we are not fluent in speaking, but practice makes better and it is definitely helpful to know which ones speak loudest to us.

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The book recommends that parents use all five love languages to fill their children’s emotional love tanks because their primary love language(s) tend to be more obvious after five years of age. However, I can already see how StarCakes and GemCakes differ in the ways they give and receive love. Both Cheesecake kids crave Quality Time, however, it seems like StarCakes really appreciates Words of Affirmation while GemCakes prefers Physical Touch. For example, whenever we verbally praise StarCakes for something his face lights up and he seems even more pleased with the job that he did. GemCakes, on the other hand, loves to be carried and cuddled; she will often sit in our laps during playtime and willingly gives hugs and kisses on a frequent basis. Having this insight into their’ love languages has helped me be more intentional about how I show my love for them. Still, I know that their preferences can change over time so I have tried to include most of the love languages in my daily interactions with them.

Here are a couple actions that I have implemented at home to help me fill my kids’ love tanks:

  1. When putting StarCakes to bed I make sure to tell him about 1-2 positive or thoughtful things I saw him do that day and how much I appreciated it. (Now that GemCakes is getting more verbal I think I will start doing this with her too.)
  2. Before I leave for work and when I get home I make sure to kiss and hug the kids.
  3. When StarCakes asks for help on a task that I know he has done before, I help him. (I used to verbally encourage him to keep trying, but sometimes it would leave him even more frustrated that he couldn’t do it on his own. Now I know that him asking for help can be seen as an Act of Service love request.)
  4. When GemCakes asks me to carry her, I do. (I used to tell her I was too tired, which was true. But now I’ll carry her and if I start to get tired I’ll cuddle with her on the couch or on the floor while we play.)

One other action I hope to practice later at home is connecting their love languages with discipline. The book recommends speaking a child’s love language before and after disciplining them. For StarCakes, it may be using Words of Affirmation before and after giving him a timeout – letting him know that I love him and that he’s a good kid but there are consequences for hitting others. For GemCakes, it may be holding her hand when telling her that what she did was unacceptable and then giving her a hug after a timeout. Because my kids are still young, I have yet to do this at home, but I do plan on starting this with StarCakes since he seems to understand actions and consequences best.

Overall, this book has helped me expand my definition of love and given me the tools to show love in different ways. Ever since I read this book I have been more intentional about how I show the Cheesecake kids love. As a result of it, I have noticed that when I speak to them in a combination of the five love languages they seem most happy and reciprocate the love even more. My hope is that as they get older, I will be able to continue loving them in ways that speak loudly and clearly that I love them unconditionally despite the bumps in the road.

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Have you read this book? What did you find helpful about the 5 love languages?