When the twins were little bitty, I couldn’t imagine them being apart someday in school, partly because they had literally spent all day every day of their lives together and partly because it sounded easier to keep up with one teacher’s rules, homework, etc. I stayed home for a while and then went back to work, first half time and then full time. Pretty quickly, we realized maybe it would be better for them to be separate for at least part of the day. I don’t know if it was because they rarely had to share each other with other friends or something else, but they seemed to get in trouble most often when one twin was playing with a friend and the other twin would lash out at either the other twin or the friend. Taking one twin and putting them in the older class for short periods of time seemed to help somewhat.
First day of 3-year old preschool.
At the beginning of this year, the boys started half-day 3-year-old pre-K. Their daycare is attached to a private school that is PK 3-5th grade, so they go to pre-k at the school and then go to the daycare side for the afternoon. The school placed them in the same class. While there were some personality issues with the teacher that didn’t help, the first few months were AWFUL. We were getting calls every single day. Some were about valid issues. Some were a little off the wall. The boys cried about going. I cried about sending them. We met multiple times with the teacher and the principal. We asked several times if it would be possible to split them up and put one in the other pre-k class. The school was hesitant to do so and felt like it might be better for twins to be together to not hurt their identity as twins, etc. At the end of the first semester, we were very close to ready to just put them back on the daycare side because of all the issues. The principal finally decided maybe we should try splitting them up after all when we came back after Christmas break.
Y’all, what a game changer! In the second semester, we have literally gotten maybe 1-2 calls total about issues. They have done great being separate. They do still have some hard moments on the daycare side where they are still together, mostly related to those moments where one twin is struggling with the other one playing with other kids instead of them. They also seem to enjoy spending time together so much more in the morning and evening now that they have a little break from each other. We have seen their relationship bloom into more best friends and less best frenemies.
Next year, they will be starting all day Pre-K at a magnet school that is PK-1st grade. It’s a great school, and we are super excited for them to go. The school strongly prefers twins be in separate classes but puts them with team teachers so they still have time together at recess, etc.
I’m sure there are twins that do great in the same class, but our little guys seem to thrive with a little bit of separation. It makes sense when you consider that without separation at school, they are literally together every single minute of the day. No matter how much I love someone, 24/7/forever would wear me out really quickly.
In addition to helping their behavior, here are some advantages we anticipate seeing in them being in separate classes:
- Less competition in academics. While we hope all of our children excel academically, I worry that it would be extraordinarily difficult if they were in the same class and one was doing great and the other was struggling. Challenges in school are hard enough without seeing your brother thrive and excel.
- Opportunity to come into their own personalities, loves, dreams, etc. When the twins are together, one or the other tends to defer to the other. In their pre-k class when they were together, their teacher said that if one didn’t want to do the activity and went to sit down, the other one would go and sit down with him, even if that twin had been having fun. I hope them being separate gives them the freedom to discover the things they love and embrace them, rather than subconsciously sacrifice their own interests for the sake of their brother.
- Enjoying each other more when they are together. As I referenced earlier, we hope them having some time apart will actually help them love their time together even more.
There are some things I worry about, too. I worry that one will have a great teacher and the other one won’t and how hard that would be for one to love school and the other one be miserable. I worry about them making separate friends and the challenges when one inevitably gets invited to a birthday party, etc. and the other one doesn’t. As much as those things will/would be hard, they’re also opportunities for our kids to learn life lessons that will serve them well. I worry because I’m their mom, and when you’re a parent, every decision seems to have such heavy possible consequences.
If you have twins, what did you do/will you do about having them together or separate at school?
guest
I taught Pre-K for 5 years and always saw kids do better when they were in a separate class from their twin. They got to be their own person, especially because it was usually the first time that the kids were able to be on their own. It was hard convincing parents to split them up often because the parents saw it as easier, only one parent conference, special days at school and they didn’t have to keep up with the different things each was learning in school. I’m glad your twins are doing well in school now on their own
sad it took the school so long to figure that out!
blogger / apricot / 439 posts
I don’t know where my opinion on this even comes from, but I’ve always assumed in my head that when the time comes for my girls, they will be placed in different rooms/classes. I think it makes so much sense, for all of the reasons that you listed. Thanks for this post – it’s really helpful for me!
guest
As a twin myself, I can tell you that being in separate classrooms is great. Besides not competing at academics, we didn’t have to compete with friends. And it’s easier to avoid labels, because it seems like with twins, if there is something that one is good at, it labels them and is used as a point of comparison. Almost like if one is known for something, the other can’t be. I don’t know if that makes sense, but here’s an example from my experience…my sister and I were finally in classes together in high school because we were both in the gifted program. I was an athlete, and she wasn’t. So people called me the Sporty One and her the Smart One, even though we were both in the same program and got the same grades. I hated that people thought I wasn’t as smart as her, and she hated that people thought she had nothing going on outside of class.
Now that I’m a parent, I also imagine it made it easier for our parents to relate to us individually and to see our unique strengths, since they had to do different projects with each of us and talk about our days separately.
blogger / pomelo / 5361 posts
@Mrs. Starfish: I think that is definitely the growing trend. I know our local schools prefer to have them in separate classes.
blogger / pomelo / 5361 posts
@kelly: I love the insight from you having lived through this. Another thing I don’t think I mentioned is that people tend to lump the twins together when they are in the same room. Like one may have gotten in trouble once and the other got in trouble twice, but in the mind of the teacher, “They” had an awful day. I think it’s hard for some people to separate them in their mind sometimes. It makes sense to me, though, that people are always trying to find ways to distinguish (the smart one v. sporty one you referenced) since people are always looking for how to tell them apart, etc.
guest
I’m a fraternal twin (boy/girl set) so my experience is a little different, but I always wished my parents hadn’t separated my brother and me because it made it harder for us to relate to each other. We had different friends in school which meant different friends on the weekends, and we aren’t as close as adults as I wish we were.
apricot / 343 posts
As a fellow twin mom with boys the same age as yours, let me just say I’m so sorry you had to go through this, and that the school was so weird about it! Mine are in the same preschool class and will be next year, too. Then they’ll separate in kindergarten. Our preschool only has two classes and they’re based on age. I’ve been in relatively constant communication with the teacher and director and was prepared to separate them if needed. But the consistent report is that in the classroom my boys are typically playing apart and with different friends, though they play well together outside. They are fraternal and are starting to be aware that they’re different from each other so that could be part of it as well.