Hellobee

Before we had a kid, Mr. Gumdrop and I had a recurring discussion (or fight, depending on how you frame it) about how much work around the house we each did. To the point where we eventually rated the value of certain chores and then tracked how much we each did, using a point system.

This sounds like it would end really poorly, but it actually gave Mr. Gumdrop the recognition he needed that he does A LOT. It was a lot more than me at the time. It moved us beyond, “I feel like I do so much around here” to “yes, you do so much for us” and allowed us to move on.

Change was incremental and he still carried us through many years. He was almost always the one to clean the cat litter, put away the dishes, he was doing major remodeling on our house, and he was climbing the corporate ladder at his work. We were both working full time and I still managed to fit in some major hobbies on the side that I felt like I couldn’t sacrifice. Most of these outlets for me were made possible by him keeping our home life running smoothly. I lived in messy houses with 7+ people in college and I still had that mindset in early marriage so I was significantly less invested in upkeep, and I found it difficult to even notice messes that would be grinding on him until he did them. These are the kind of growing pains resulting from growing up together.

Now, I feel like I am ALL IN in this adulthood thing. Not that Mr. Gumdrop isn’t (he has his own priorities and is so present in raising our girl), but I am so invested in every aspect of raising our daughter that I sometimes feel like I am pulling more than my weight in this whole parenting thing. And hey! I probably am. My mental share is heavier when it comes to parenting. When Jujube is with me, we are generally more prepared for come what may. I read blogs about her new development phases and try to present her with new challenges. I make sure she has clothes and toys and other little friends to play with. If we are out socializing, half my brain is occupied with her safety and whereabouts while Mr. Gumdrop is deeply absorbed in a conversation.

Our life looks a whole lot different now and not just because we had a child. We’ve also completely reset what life looks like by moving to rural Thailand. We have childcare during my part-time job and our nanny cleans up around the house if Jujube naps, which has taken a lot of the pressure off. Mr. Gumdrop still does tidy up more than I do and he is making our garden happen pretty much singlehandedly at the moment. But we are collectively handling so much more now (I mean, we’re parents!) and I am certainly pulling my weight in this new phase of life. It has felt particularly noticeable this past week because he’s been out of commission with a fever and migraines. He’s a do-er so he’s miserable staying put, but he needs rest. I feel tired but capable. There is room in our life here to have migraines.

It got me thinking of what our day-to-day would have been like if we had a child before we got out of debt and rearranged our lives, and what it’s like for other people to raise kids in a fast-paced society.

If you are tired, if you’ve been carrying either your family or the guilt of somehow not being able to do more perhaps for a really long time, I want to encourage you to communicate with your partner in new ways and make plans to move forward.

Easier said than done!

For years, we had discussions about how Mr. Gumdrop was tired of doing so much around the house and every time, we tried to implement systems to make things more fair. I think they helped in small ways. But the most helpful thing for us was to move past the conversations of his,

“why do I feel like I’m always doing more than my share of work?”
and my, “why do I feel like nothing I do is ever enough for you?”

to acknowledging the truth in everyone’s feelings and to finding a common unifying path forward.

The truth of the matter, regardless of whose “fault” it is – is that there’s almost always an imbalance of duties and different priorities between any two people. We got tired of digging up our pasts and trying to figure out why we kept improving things but still had the same issues, and we decided to just move forward and change our path.

These are just examples, and every family is different with unique challenges. We were doing all the “right” things that were supposed to bring us contentment but we knew it wasn’t working for us, so we changed pretty much everything. It doesn’t have to be big, but changing your context is often a much more successful way of changing results rather than trying to change established patterns within the same system. Big changes can add stress temporarily, but it can also ingrain new habits and realities that make everyone happier in the long run.

Some random examples:

– If one person is tired of cleaning a large house, consider making plans together to downsize. Even if you need the same number of bedrooms you can still find smaller spaces that take less effort to maintain (and less money to buy and upkeep). We’ve found great benefits from having less space to clean and less places to fill with things. I don’t think we’ll ever live in a place this small again but our current set up is basically a micro-apartment with an outdoor kitchen galley on the side and an uncovered deck connecting our living space to Mr. Gumdrop’s office. It’s beautiful but we are learning our limits. Still, the mess shows much faster and it’s easier to stay on top of.

– If you hate your commute to work or school and it takes away from time together or other important things, consider moving. Sometimes it feels impossible to switch schools or neighborhoods but weigh whether keeping your current neighbourhood, school, or home is actually better for your family long term. My parents moved us in 7th grade and I was miserable about it, but it ended up giving me a great fresh start I didn’t know I wanted. There will always be reasons not to change the status quo and there’s no need to change things that are working really well. I just think we convince ourselves that our current set up is the only workable reality and end up feeling stuck – when actually we’re not considering all the options. In some contexts, an initial sacrifice can be so worth it.

– Do you feel stuck in a house or area that doesn’t suit your needs but can’t afford to change it? My coworker and her family bought their house right before the market crashed but they really wanted to live somewhere else a few years later. They realized that they could make enough rent off the house to cover their mortgage and still have a few months buffer time in case it didn’t rent right away. You have to make sure you’re ready to be a landlord and that the numbers work, but it’s not something you need to rule out right away.

– If your pet is too much work for your current phase of life, consider finding a short term foster parent for it for a while just to get a break. A lot of my friends feel like their dogs have taken a backseat to a newborn baby temporarily and feel sad about it but helpless to do anything. Our cats have been with a sweet girl who wanted company in her condo but wasn’t sure if a future partner or home would be a good place for pets. She has been loving them while we are in Thailand. We cover costs for haircuts and offered to pay for food but she just wanted the experience. There may be a family in your neighbourhood who wants to see if their child is ready to handle the responsibilities of a pet for a few weeks but aren’t ready to commit.

– Tape over the unused electrical outlets in your bedroom for a week and drag out a traditional alarm clock so you have to plug your phone in outside the room. Spend quality time talking about your day instead and see if you wind down better. We kept our phones out of the bedroom for our entire two month road trip and for some reason it made Mr. Gumdrop so happy.

– Ask around with people who seem to have the parenting results you want to have. Ask them what they do and be prepared to change your parenting techniques because of it. We are all about results-based parenting techniques. You can always read a new study or a counter study on what is the true about kids but it’s ever changing. If something you’ve been doing consistently still isn’t working, be open to trying something different.

– Try your own version of a spending freeze to hit smaller goals and see how low you can live below your means.

– Maybe you have already come to a place of understanding and are just in a phase of hard work for everyone. Make sure you keep your future goals in mind. Years ago I was working at a fun, laid back non-profit that I really liked but making very little money. I decided to accept a job at a high-strung ad agency instead that significantly increased my salary and put us on the track to reduce our mountain of debt significantly faster. But it took two years of an extremely stressful daily work environment for me and a lot of anxiety. I was able to do it because I knew we were aiming at unified goals together, and when we hit those goals, things would be different. Although it has taken us both a while to unwind, in hindsight, two years wasn’t that long to significantly change our future options.

– Consider what short term (1-5 year) sacrifices you could make that would pay off big in the long term. I laughed when I saw a video of a family with three children choose to live in a Tiny House, but by the end I was totally inspired by their determination to be financially independent. Hard things don’t always make us less happy!

– Try to find a time or re-establish date night with your partner and first dream about the future, and then about practical possibilities that would still buy you freedom, flexibility, or whatever it is that feels misaligned.

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Whenever I hear people feeling stuck, I just want to fix it! But I know life has its difficult situations and phases. Sometimes we’re tired and just need to vent even if we don’t want to or can’t change things. Give yourself a break, know that you are awesome and you are carrying yourself and your family in your own way. After going through my daughter’s birth, I am just amazed at all the women in the world walking around and carrying on like normal human beings, but who at some point went through the crazy thing that is BIRTHING A CHILD INTO THE WORLD. That is crazy and you all are seriously impressive no matter what you do after that.

If you’re tired though and want something different, what do you want to change?