Hellobee

Recently I have been feeling a little bit overwhelmed with . . . life. I know that sounds dramatic, but I truly feel that I have been going crazy trying to keep up with everything at work, at home, volunteer projects, etc. The problem is that even in the midst of feeling this way, I still can’t help but feel pulled to do more; I still can’t help but want to say “yes” when I should really say “not right now” or “no.” I have come the realization that I am totally and completely overcommitted. It’s not a new feeling and one that I’ve had since high school, but with kids it’s definitely more complicated!

Work has been crazy lately. I work as an attorney in the policy space in Washington, DC and believe me, with the new administration, nothing is predictable and I feel like there are fires to put out everywhere I turn. The past year has been much crazier than I’ve ever experienced before. Gone are the slow days of August recess when I could catch up. In addition, there are some internal changes happening that seem to take a lot of my time and energy. I’m starting to feel exhausted when I leave work, rather than energized as I have in the past.

Outside work. I’ve posted before about how I earn extra money outside of my day job, but my commitments in these areas have grown. I regularly blog here on parenting and recently began blogging on another site on legal issues. This year, I have continued to consult and even flew halfway across the world (literally) to fulfill these consulting obligations. I consult and do pro bono work on immigration issues and this year, this work load has increased.

Beyond what I do in the consulting/blogging space, I have other commitments such as chairing the executive committee of my church’s parish council. This is my fourth year on the council, third year on the executive committee and first year chairing. I had never intended to go beyond my first three-year term, but couldn’t say no when I was asked to run again. Chairing the committee has taken a lot of time and energy, surprisingly more so than when I served as vice chair.

There’s also an area of my personal life that I’ve been feeling a huge amount of pressure, both in terms of stress level and time commitment. I’m fortunate that Mr. Dolphin is extremely supportive and is a great team player because without his help, I’m sure I would be even more anxious about everything that’s been going on.

All of this is a long way of saying that life has gotten overwhelming, even without adding in the fact that I have two very active toddlers who keep me on my toes and a commitment to ensure that Mr. Dolphin and I are invested in our marriage! Yet, despite feeling exhausted and overcommitted, I have signed up for more. I am running for the Board at my kids’ daycare. I have taken on new projects at work and expanded my portfolio.

What does all of this have to do with parenting?

I want to take a step back and assess how my overcommitment affects how I parent and my relationship with the kids. I don’t think it has taken much time away from them, because I make every effort to be present when they are out of school and spend quality time with them. However, my energy levels are a bit down and I undoubtedly spend more time than usual complaining about work and other issues to my husband, including when the kids are around. I want to find my center again and be reenergized so that I can be the best version of myself when I am with the kids. I worry that I’m not doing my very best at the things I’m already committed to because I’m spread too thin.

Additionally, I worry about the example I am setting for my kids. I want them to aim high, have a drive to succeed and be passionate about what they do. Yet at the same time, I want them to know that this doesn’t mean saying yes to everything. During high school, my quest to be “well-rounded” for college applications and my competitiveness to be the best at everything I tried my hand at (which, of course, is not to say I was the best) left me completely overcommitted. Cross-country, track, gymnastics, school clubs, student council, musicals, choir, band/orchestra, community service, tons of AP classes, classes at the local community college in addition to my full high school course load, babysitting and working at a bookstore in hours well exceeding the maximum allowed by work permit. My mother always insisted that I fulfill my commitments, so if I signed up for an activity or a class, I was stuck with it and couldn’t quit. It was too much, I became an insomniac and I never lost this compulsion to say yes to everything.

I love their ability to enjoy the little things.

I wish I could go back and tell my fourteen-year-old self that I didn’t have to do everything. Pick the things I was passionate about and put 100% effort into those things, instead of trying to put 100% effort into everything a friend or teacher asked me to do. Even now, twenty years later, it’s difficult to say no and figure out what I’m really passionate about.

This year, Lion is looking at a number of extracurricular activities and Mr. Dolphin and I had to sit down and really think about how many activities we wanted him to participate in and which ones. Lion’s school offers soccer and karate; we made the choice to sign him up just for soccer. I’d love for him to start music lessons, but we’ve decided to hold off on that for now. Lion has also been clamoring for gymnastics lessons, something that I have mixed feelings about, but we’ll probably do a short run once soccer ends. Right now, I think commitment to one thing at a time, whether that’s sports, art or music, is plenty. I want to give him the time to explore and find his passions slowly, rather than expose him to everything at once.

I want to teach our kids to honor their commitments, without being overcommitted. To do that, I may need to take a long hard look at my own commitments and figure out the best way to manage everything, including what to let go.

I hope we can resist the temptation to overschedule these two little ones.