I’ve heard many times that the relationship that you have with your mother will reflect the relationship you have with your own daughter. And whenever I heard that… it made me feel anxious. I have a weird, complicated, and loving – yet distant – relationship with my mom. That’s probably because my mom is not your typical mom. Half of the people in my life think she’s hilarious. The other half cannot stand her because she offends them and can’t stand her frazzled personality.
One huge factor of our relationship is our communication because English is not her first language. I can speak to her in a broken, 7th grade level way, but when we get any deeper than “what should we eat for dinner today?”, it gets too hard and I just give up. If I could wrap up one word for my mom it’s “inconsistent.” Which, I guess is not the best character quality you want from your mom. I can never guess what she’s going to do next, never understand what she likes or dislikes because it’s always changing. Whenever I come home, the furniture is arranged differently and she’s on a new trend. She went through a cake decorating phase, a bread making phase, a skincare representative selling phase, a salt water filtration system phase, and just last year she picked up playing cello. She is a visionary and loves picking up new hobbies, but the desire to not settle down and grow roots seeps into other areas of her life.
I know she loves me and is very affectionate towards me. I have no problems holding hands with her and giving her gifts. But other than that we have no real connection or relationship. I can feel her love for me and she says very loving things to me, but we simply can’t hang out and talk. I honestly don’t know if that makes me sad because her personality drives me a little crazy. Over the years I’ve decided that maybe the distant yet polite way is our “thing” and I should be OK with it.
Even though we live 1 hour away, she isn’t around as much as I imagined after having kids. I always thought all grandparents wanted to be around their grandchildren 24/7, because that’s how it is in the movies. (Oh the power of media and film!) My parents are loving and interested in my kids, but probably can only handle them for an hour or so before handing them over and taking a nap themselves.
I try to understand that they’re getting older, they’re physically limited and have their own personal interests too. I know we shouldn’t compare but I feel jealous when I see other friends’ parents who are obsessed with their grandchildren and offer to babysit and help out whenever they can. When my parents come over, it actually can make things harder because I have to entertain and feed them too.
So, yes. I love my mom. She was the one that told me to pursue my dreams and major in the arts. She did not push me to math and science like most immigrant parents. She had great faith in God and I felt it all my life. She told me every single day that I was beautiful and perfect, just the way I was. Those are amazing things for sure and have impacted me in wonderful ways. I want to thank her for those things but I don’t even know how, without her eyes glazing over because she doesn’t understand what I’m saying.
I love my mom knowing that she loved me the best she could with the personality she was given and the personality I was given. But oh man, all the little stuff in life makes it so easy to snap at her and not want her in my everyday life. It sounds so terrible, but I do think the best way to have the most peaceful relationship with my mom is to call, write cards, and see her every once in awhile. I have to stop resenting her and start accepting our unique relationship. I know that things may change over time, especially as the kids grow older. I’ve made my peace for now, knowing that this is a tough stage in life for many people in general. Mother’s Day in our family isn’t even about myself or my sister (who also has young kids), but it’s about my grandmother and my mom. I try to show her my appreciation in my own awkward way – a scarf, a silly card, a cake. It will never reflect how much I appreciate her, but without the words or relationship I don’t really know how else to express it. It is tragic in that way because it’s not the kind of relationship I’d want us to have, but honestly I think my mom truly believes we have a normal, healthy relationship. Maybe that’s all that matters!
I look at my 8 month old daughter and I pray that we can be different. I hope that we can have a real relationship, based on stable, authentic and genuine affection we have for each other that develops over the years. I hope we can have deep and thoughtful conversations about life, love and faith.
What about you guys? I’m sure I’m not alone in not having the fairy tale mother/daughter relationship that is portrayed in movies and shows. How have you made peace with your past and had hope for your future relationships with your children?
pear / 1648 posts
I actually had a great relationship with my mom, but I feel you on mixed-feelings Mother’s Day. I lost my mom to cancer 3 years ago and have a respectful-but-not-close relationship with my MIL. Mother’s Day can be stressful, too, because DH and I don’t really do much for either Mother’s or Father’s Day. If he does do something special, it feels like too much, and if the day doesn’t go well, it does sometimes make me feel sad/unappreciated. It’s so hard to balance expectations. It’s a challenging day all around, but it helps focusing on how oh so grateful I am to be mama to my 2 girls. Sending
your way for this Mother’s Day.
blogger / apricot / 482 posts
I loved this! It’s so honest and I can relate in many ways. It’s funny because I used to think our relationship was ideal, but now that I’m older, I can now see where our mother/daughter relationship really wasn’t a mother/daughter relationship.
wonderful kiwi / 23653 posts
I have some what of a speech barrier with my MIL too; I think as immigrant parents, they truly are happy when they see that we’re happy, provided for and the grand kids are happy/provided for as well. They love to shove money our way and I’ve learned to accept it and say thank you, or tell them how the money helped us, etc because I realize that’s one way they show love to us.
guest
Thank you for being so honest. It feels like people often gush about their amazing moms and relationships, it’s so refreshing when someone can admit to having something different. I have a pretty contentious relationship with my mother and I can only hope that I can have a better, more open relationship with my own kids! For better or worse, I only have boys (and I’m done having kids!) so I won’t be trying to navigate the complexities of the mother/daughter relationship.
apricot / 370 posts
I don’t have a communication barrier with my mom, but things are still strained. Having kids has taught me to value the things I can expect out of that relationship and not look for more than she can give. I definitely want something different with my own kids. FWIW, I know more people with difficult relationships with their moms than those that have great relationships.
blogger / apricot / 335 posts
@peachykeen: I’m so sorry to hear about your mom! That’s so wonderful you had a great relationship with her, I’m sure she’s helped build you into the person you are today. And I feel you in the expectation thing… I’ve now resorted to gifting myself something each year so it’s very planned out!
@Mrs. Dolphin: interesting! I’ve always wondered about those relationships (Gilmore girls close?) I guess there’s no perfect relationship but I’m grateful we didn’t have an awful relationship!
@snowjewelz: That is very true! I’m sure my parents are glad to see that we are healthy and raising kids. That is definitely something I would want for my kids in the future!
@emily: I have a son too so i wonder how different it would be, having both dynamics. Several moms have told me it’s harder getting along with their daughter more than their sons, I wonder why…
@shabang: I agree, having kids has opened my eyes to see that our parents are just as flawed as we are and I shouldn’t have unrealistic expectations because I will just be disappointed. And me too – i dont know many people who have great relationships with their parents.
blogger / nectarine / 2600 posts
I totally understand your feelings as my own relationship is much more fractured and fraught with my own mom and honestly when I became a parent my philosophy was to pretty much do the exact opposite of what my parents did raising me. It does make me long for the relationship I see others have with their parents (and for my kids for their grandparents) from time to time but I realize at this point in my life the best thing I can do for myself is to raise my kids in a way I hope will create the loving relationship I wish I had with my parents but never did.
A touch on your mother’s changing hobbies makes me think a little of myself with ADHD. I also can get lost in something very deeply for a short amount of time and then once Im over it its hard to even try to start it again once Ive moved on mentally. So perhaps there is a touch of that going on. My FIL who has ADHD as well is notorious for this. In my husband’s life his dad has gone through smoking meats, cigar clubs, genealogy, gardening, woodworking, etc. He is always on to some new little thing he discovered and wants to try every few months.
guest
” I always thought all grandparents wanted to be around their grandchildren 24/7, because that’s how it is in the movies. (Oh the power of media and film!)” <—THIS
I don't know why I would expect this even though my mother was not anything like moms in movies, much less grandmothers. I have a very tough relationship with my mother. I am grateful for the upbringing I had, and the things she has provided for me. I also have no real relationship or connection with her as an adult. In fact, I get very anxious and on edge being around her and feel relief when our visits or chats are over. It would break my heart to have a relationship like that with either of my kids.
nectarine / 2460 posts
Thanks for writing this – it really struck home. My relationship with my mom also isn’t the best. A lot of it stems from the fact that she has all these visions about how a perfect relationship should be, but does nothing to cultivate it and then makes me feel super guilty for not living up to her expectations of how close we should be. It makes me so nervous to have a daughter (I have 2 boys now) because I know I would want a better relationship, and be worried about having the same issues, and that worry could cause the EXACT SAME strain as my mom and I have. Ugh!!!
persimmon / 1310 posts
Thanks for writing this. I had complicated relationships with my parents (now deceased).
Some of you might like these guiding words: I say to myself a lot, “be the parent you needed” as a reminder to be compassionate and closely connected with my kids.
I’ve surprised myself as a parent. I’ve been shocked at the awful impulses I’ve felt in anger. I’ve been impressed with patience I never knew I had. It’s such a journey.
blogger / apricot / 335 posts
@Mrs. Chocolate: OMG…. that whole ADHD totally makes sense! My mom is just all over the place, but I think in her own world (old school, immigrant) something like ADHD probably doesn’t exist. Even her trail of thoughts are all over the place, she doesn’t even remember her own opinions and often switches her perspective on the fly. Did your FIL ever get medication or treatment for it? I wouldn’t even know how to bring it up….
blogger / apricot / 335 posts
@JennyPenny: wow that is such an interesting thought. I never considered that to be a negative thing but that’s very true that if you place too much pressure on any ideal situation or relationship it can be detrimental. I will have to try to have realistic expectations, and consider what kind of relationship we have organically. (Easier said than done!)
@Iced Tea: Those are great words, it’s solid advice for everyone no matter what! I definitely want to be an engaging and stable mother figure seeing how hard it was not to have that in my life. However I know I’ll fail in another way, it’s hard not to feel guilty or overwhelmed. But good to see I’m not alone!
pomegranate / 3231 posts
My mother seems to expect me to feel certain ways about certain things, and when I don’t she is disappointed. Then I get angry for her presumptuous expectations. It’s usually small scale stuff but then she acts like it’s important and like she expects me to prioritize it too.
I am expecting twin girls now, and one of the first things I told her is not to buy a lot of pink because it’s not my thing. So she keeps making exceptions for herself and knitting and buying pink stuff anyway. It’s grating. I don’t owe her an apology for disliking pink. She makes me choose between being fake polite and pretending to be grateful for having my preferences ignored, versus having an honest relationship with her.
I realize that is a trivial example, but when that dynamic dominates your relationship it gets exhausting. It’s like death by a thousand cuts.
So, I try to limit our interactions to boring small talk and withhold information that is likely to lead to unsolicited advice. Because in addition to the advice she seems to expect it to be followed or explained away. Mama don’t have time or energy for that.
I really hope I manage to give my daughters the space to be who they are around me. I am trying not to go into this with any expectations.
Note: If they ultimately choose to wear a lot of pink when they are older, that’s up to them. But I feel entitled to have opinions about baby gear in my own house!
blogger / apricot / 335 posts
@ElbieKay: Beautifully said. And it’s interesting how those “small things” create such long term affects! I totally understand the “death by a thousand cuts.” It’s hard for ALL people I’m sure to not press their own preferences or good wishes on other people, no matter how good your intentions are. I often find myself doing that too, so I’m to blame on many occasions. But what you said – giving space – is probably easier said than done. I’d like to believe I will do that in the future, so here’s to hoping!! (Thank you for writing this!!)