“Sorry!” my daughter says quickly, after spilling water on the table when she bumped into my glass.

“Sorry!” she’s been saying again and again, when she drops something or makes a mistake. Or, if after the first time she can’t get something “right,” she’ll throw things down in frustration and shout, “Ugh!” not wanting to go on.

At first, I started to wonder if it’s because I inadvertently say “sorry” throughout the day, caching myself over apologizing over something inane, which I noticed even more after reading this Goop article on how women undermine themselves in work and life through the words that they say.

But then, I started realizing that the real reason my almost four-year-old daughter apologizes so immediately and gets frustrated at her inability to get it right the first time around is because my Tiger Mom perfectionistic tendencies continue to creep up and out of me like an involuntary response. It’s a muscle I don’t want to flex anymore, yet it’s one that’s become so strong and comfortable over decades of overuse. Thankfully, because of my daughter’s quick “sorry” quips and bouts of intense annoyance at herself, I can see how my subconsciou s drive for straight-A excellence is increasingly sinewy and unattractive, especially because I don’t want to create the same kind of anxiety and frustration in her.

I want her to make mistakes.

I want her to feel like it’s okay to learn by going after something and learning every step of the way — without attachment to outcome.

A long time ago, before the idea of kids was ever a conception in my mind, I listened to an On Being podcast episode with Krista Tippett, where she interviewed a spiritual teacher, who said that children are like video recorders that are ‘on’ all the time, watching and witnessing everything you’re doing as a parent.

And, according to Psychological Science and Stanford University, parents’ reactions to kids’ failures can have lasting effects on how they process setbacks and move on, how resilient and self-confident they become, how they handle mistakes for the rest of their lives — even how they view intelligence.

To help my daughter, I’ve taken these cues from experts:

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  1. I watch her reaction. If she’s angry or upset with herself, then I do what I did with my yoga students — I teach her to transmute that energy and transform it into something positive she can use for the future, like learning how to become resilient to try again.
  2. Focus on the gift in the moment. I remind her that everything is working out for her. Even when it doesn’t seem like it. It’s usually these challenges that encourage us to grow beyond what we thought we were capable of… and it helps to give her the analogy of the sand in the oyster becoming a pearl. I’ll use that keyword, “Pearl!” whenever she gets frustrated that the outcome isn’t what she thought it would be, and I can see her taking a moment to pause to reflect that maybe it will be wonderful in the end after all.
  3. Re-parent yourself. I had a tiger mother growing up and did not like it AT ALL. So, in parenting my daughter, I get to show up in ways that I would’ve liked to have been shown support growing up. I have to catch myself to instead show a knee-jerk disapproving look like I got growing up, I learn how to be more compassionate and warm, which is still definitely a practice.
  4. Teach detachment from outcomes. I can still see that in business, I am attached to the outcomes I create, because they provide a sense of validation — yet, they also provide a sense of immense stress and frustration, when I start to devalue who I am because I’m not getting the kind of results I want. That’s why I want her to focus on the experience of what she’s doing, rather than whether she wins, loses, or gets what she was hoping for in the end.
  5. Have tons of fun! Having “fun” was almost the antithesis of being Asian. It’s been a complete reframing to know that our whole purpose on this planet is to enjoy the human experience, all the ups/downs/all-arounds. By encouraging my daughter to focus on the joy of being and learning, I aim to inspire the joy of exploration for all of her days.
  6. Don’t fix it for them! It takes a beat sometimes to let my daughter struggle. To encourage her to work it out for herself, even when she runs to me to do it for her. I remember what my doula said, about how letting kids wrestle within their own capabilities to figure things out is one of the best ways for them to “get it”.
  7. Be that source of unconditional love. One of the best feelings any of us can have is to be loved and accepted just as we are. Be that for your kiddo. Let them know that there’s always a place where they can fall and get all messy, and you’ll love them anyway.