Growing up in a Chinese-American home, I wasn’t ever taught that I had needs worth validating. My needs were supposed to be whatever the adults in my household believed they should be. It’s no wonder then, that I’ve had problems into adulthood from relationships to career opportunities expressing exactly what I want — sometimes, I didn’t even know what that was, other than a feeling of I wanted something, but what thing?

Now, as a parent and especially because I’m a writer, I know how powerful our words can be. The stories we tell ourselves. The stories we tell our children.

Given that, I started to dive more into non-violent communication (NVC) created by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg. Used by everyone from CEOs to individuals in relationships to educators to parents, the basic tenet is that when we feel frustration, anger, sadness, or other similar feelings, they’re the result of unmet needs.

For new parents, this unmet need could be not getting enough sleep. And, rather than shaming or blaming our kids when we have a short fuse, the better solution is to figure out a way to get more rest, so that we can show up more patiently. Easier said than done, right?

Arun Gandhi, the grandson of Mahatma Gandhi, calls NVC a natural extension of his grandfather’s philosophy of nonviolence. Unmet needs can also be emotional, what NVC calls “trans-personal.” For example, when your child seemingly ignores every word you say, you feel anger bubbling up. Your child isn’t trying to make you angry – they’re fulfilling their own needs like humor, play or exploration –  but your needs and their needs don’t align in that moment.

Welcome to everyday parenthood. Given this, how do we communicate in ways that foster connection with the heart and where we can lift each other up?

Here are four simple steps based on Parenting Beyond Punishment:

ADVERTISEMENT

  1. What are your needs in this situation? What are your child’s needs?Beyond the basic “eat, sleep, safety” hierarchy of needs, I had no idea that there were actually lists of needs that a person can have. If, in the heat of the moment, it’s hard for you to remember what your needs or what your child’s needs could be, I’d highly recommend printing out this list so you can refer to it. It might seem awkward at first, but could very well prove to have long-term benefits in giving your child a vocabulary of expression!
  2. Make observations that don’t have judgments attached to them.In a lot of spiritual teachings, there’s an understanding that it’s never the reality of what’s happening that hurts — it’s the meanings we attach to the things that are happening. NVC teaches how to say, “When you do this… I feel this…” which removes blame, shame, or attack, but rather fosters conversations that lead to connections. With kids, you can say things like, “I heard…” or “I saw…”
  3. What are you feeling right now? What is your child feeling?First, you identify what you and/or your child need. Next, you make a statement about what’s happening to create space that helps you pause and reflect. Then, it’s time to share what you’re feeling, though again, if you weren’t taught that there’s an extensive range of emotions you can have, you can print out this feelings list to refer to. It’s a great resource, because it’s split up by the feelings you can have when your needs are met AND feelings you can have when your needs are unmet.

    It’s important for your child to see you as human, which gives them permission to be perfectly imperfect, vulnerable, and human, too.

  4. Make a request.Now it’s time for you to ask for what it is that you need. “Would you be willing to…” is usually the NVC catchphrase. The more you can respect your child and their needs, the more they learn how to do this with you and others in their lives. They key is to avoid demanding an action or behavior, but rather surrendering control that everyone has their own desires, needs, and feelings. When we feel validated in our experience and story, we’re more inclined to show up in compromise.

The biggest challenge for me in putting this into place is that I sometimes become a bit tunnel-visioned with what I believe is possible. NVC (and so much of parenting) requires creativity to come up with a solution that’s amicable to everyone.

For example, my daughter loves to climb up and over things — rather than limit her range of exploration even though I’m concerned for her safety, I’ve learned to come up with safer “obstacles” for her to traverse instead of telling her to simply “stop it.”

If you want to dive more into why it’s essential to understand your feelings and create a space where all feelings are okay, check out this article.

Have you tried NVC? Does it work in your parenting style?