Hellobee

I want to share an article that has been so affirming and also eye-opening for me. I don’t know if there’s a name for this style of parenting but I resonate with it so much. And there doesn’t need to be a name for it. I’m getting tired of all the different styles and options and endless research I could do. It’s probably since I’m on baby #2 that I’m less interested in figuring out a style that works best for us and just want to do what works well for him (and my daughter who’s turning 3 soon). It’s interesting because I’ve always wanted for my kids to develop independence and the ability to self-entertain or play with other children ,and never enjoyed being the playmate myself even though I love them dearly and spending time with them is great. I think as the weather warms up too, there will be many more options for shared activities like walks, gardening – really anything outdoors!

The article is a long one but I think this paragraph from the beginning sums up the question pretty well:

How did so many middle-class American parents get stuck with this guilt? Do our kids really need us to play pretend with them all the time? And if they don’t, how do we convince them of that fact?

Good questions. But then it does offer a solution, which I love:

The trick to enjoying child-driven quality time is to try to fade into the background a little bit, energetically speaking… If you meet the child on his level and mostly watch what they’re doing instead, it’s still an act of love and attention without being such a draining experience. When you’ve been enlisted in their play, try to intervene as minimally as possible. Suggest fixes instead of fixing problems yourself; don’t redirect what they’re doing, and follow their lead instead.

I was sharing the article with my husband and he was honest with me – you kind of come off like the 1920’s parenting style though... I was horrified. If you do read the article, this is not a good thing in my mind –  I read that and thought the advice sounded laughably cold but I am realizing that he’s right. In attempting to promote independence in my kids and maintain that I don’t need to participate in play-acting with my daughter, I was signaling frostiness. I realized that I was trying to take a strong stance and represent the validity of my lack of interest in doing something that seemed disingenuous to me and through that, was signaling utter disinterest in her.

Yesterday I did an about-face and tried to encourage her play and ask questions about it while she played, if not overtly participating. I realized there can be a middle ground where I participate but not necessarily invent characters and (inauthentically) join in her make-believe. And the cuddles immediately came more readily.

‘Playing’ with my daughter has always confused me. When I try to do it, she often tells me exactly how to play or that I’m doing it wrong! I’m sure I am. I have lost the ability to play, and that’s okay with me since I left childhood behind quite a while ago, but I want to be able to support her in her creativity. I just always feel like I’m intruding more than affirming anything. But as my husband tried to point out, by avoiding play altogether, it seems like I’m actually rejecting her by trying to make sure I don’t get roped into pretend-play all the time. This was a tough realization for me. I really liked reading this article and feeling affirmed but also having my eyes opened.

I thought this strategy was really helpful and it will be my plan for short bursts throughout the day.

“Pour pure attention into them for a period of time, dropping all other activities and doing whatever they want. This sounds onerous at first glance, but is actually really freeing in practice—you put your phone away (everyone agrees this is a must), stop thinking about dinner prep, and just float on the tides of childish whim for a while by seeing what the kid is doing. This observation idea makes intuitive sense to me: I can be a Zen master sitting on the couch, watching my child rearrange her tiny bird figurines at her table and occasionally agreeing that yes, indeed, they are “birdies,” and one of them is blue. I don’t have to start pretend-flying them through the air and make cheeping noises. I’ve never been great at meditating, but this feels good.”

I also had unique circumstance where I was in the hospital for a large part of this past year and had surgeries planned along the way. When my daughter caught a cold mid-year, it was imperative that we not come into contact so that I could successfully get my surgery and still be in full health. Since I was in the hospital for that whole time, her visits were still happening, I was just not physically affectionate with her during that time. It was brutal and her visits became difficult for me because I had to fortify myself against the easiest form of connection for us – affectionate touch. I have known for quite a while that it will take time to rebuild that affection, but yesterday with just a little attention and involvement in her play – asking questions or watching – I am realizing how little it might actually take to get the fun back between us as a more regular part of the day. That is truly thrilling to me.