Mr. Bee said something interesting to me yesterday that prompted this post. In regards to being a dad, he said, “I don’t feel guilty at all.” He spends lots of time with Charlie after all, outside of the time when Charlie is in daycare. In fact if he were to feel guilty about something, it would be about the fact that he feels no guilt!
Mom guilt on the other hand is a very real thing, and I don’t think I know a mom that hasn’t felt a tremendous amount of guilt at some point. I think it’s especially difficult in the first few months after having a baby because your hormones are fluctuating, you’re sleep deprived, and you’re still trying to figure it all out (even with a second baby). I’m probably giving Olive 35%, work 35%, Charlie 20%, and house stuff 10%. That leaves 0% for Mr. Bee. If I could give everyone 100% of me, I would.
I’m in the midst of a full fledged mom guilt attack these days, and though it may not be rational, I just can’t help it. I’m trying to balance breastfeeding and pumping so that Olive and I get bonding time, but I also get to work when she’s fed a bottle. Between breastfeeding and pumping every 2-3 hours though, I have very little time to concentrate on everything else. I’m so stressed out about not producing enough milk, and I blame myself. With Charlie I took maternity leave and I was able to produce more than enough milk. If I took maternity leave with Olive instead of trying to work, I’d be getting valuable bonding time with her, and I’d probably be producing more milk.
I feel guilty that I’m not eating better so I can produce more milk, but I’m too tired to cook and I have no appetite.
I feel guilty that I have all these plans for Hellobee, but haven’t had the time or energy to work on them.
I feel guilty that I spend far less time with Charlie, and even when I do spend time with him, I’m too tired to engage him in a meaningful way when we used to do fun things all the time together. I feel guilty that sometimes he eats cookies for dinner because he won’t eat anything else, and I’m too tired to fight with him.
I feel guilty that we have a baby nurse here helping out with Olive, and I still find functioning day to day so difficult. Other moms do it without any help, and they do it much better.
I feel guilty that I had so little time to spend with my cat Sparky in her final weeks after Olive came home. We put her to sleep this weekend, and I wish I could have given her the best last weeks of her life.
I know that I’m doing the best job that I can, but what is it about being a mom that fills you with such guilt? I guess we all just want to be the best possible mom we can be.
What do you feel guilty about? Do you think your SO feels guilty?
GOLD / pomelo / 5167 posts
ah hang in there bee. I think you are doing a fantastic job and I wouldn’t worry about it. Having mommy guilt is a given… seems like it comes with parenting and until you decide to “let things go” you will still feel it.
What it comes down to it, both your babies are happy, fed, have a shelter, clothes to wear and have parents they love them. If that means you are a little less available then that’s okay. I’m sure my mom felt all sorts of mommy guilt being a single mom of 2 (age 2 and 5) but you know what, we came out just fine!
What’s important is take time for yourself, everything else will fall in place. … and hellobee can wait. We understand!
honeydew / 7968 posts
i’m not even a mom yet and i already feel guilty. i don’t think i’m eating well or drinking enough water. i’m not exercising. eating lots of junk food. =(
cherry / 230 posts
I second blushnik’s sentiment that Hellobee can wait. We DO understand.
I’m reminded of a quote from Maya Angelou, “We do the best we can, with what we know. And when we know better, we do better.” It’s so applicable to many facets of life.
Hang in there!
GOLD / apricot / 337 posts
I agree… I think as moms we are more inclined to feel guilty, but I know my SO feels very guilty when he doesn’t feel like he’s contributing to the household. It’s easy to assume that others do it much better, but I have learned to stop comparing myself and just do what’s best for my family and not be afraid to ask for help or admit that I can’t do it all, which is super hard for me. You’re doing great Bee. It’s always tough with a newborn! If you’re doing the best you can, you’re already at the top of your game.
hostess / eggplant / 11068 posts
With regards to Hellobee, we all understand. Heck, some of us like it just the way it is and don’t want it to go public! :o) As for mom guilt, I feel guilty for not totally loving this motherhood thing that I wanted for so long. I feel guilty that I get angry with LO when I don’t know how to make her stop wailing. I feel guilty when I feel exhausted.
Bee, you’re awesome!
blogger / watermelon / 14218 posts
I don’t think there’s any way around it really… when RJ was first born I was working zero hours, Rob Sr. was on paternity leave for more than a month, and my parents were here to cook and clean… and I STILL dealt with major guilt all the time. I’m thinking the guilt with a second baby will be even worse.
I know it won’t do much in terms of making a dent in your guilt, but know that you are an amazing mom, wife, and HelloBee creator!!! Everything I’ve seen from all of these angles from you has been nothing short of awesome.
apple seed / 2 posts
haha, actually reading your blog and all the cool, fun things you do with Charlie (and all the wonderful pictures you’ve captured) gave me major mom-guilt about not taking my kid to enough places or taking enough pics. Guilt is just a part of the struggle of motherhood and it’s somewhat comforting to know that all moms go through it (even the obviously wonderful ones like yourself).
GOLD / wonderful coffee bean / 18478 posts
Don’t worry about Hellobee at least. I know you have a lot of plans for it but as @Rubies said – those of us already on here like it just fine!! Take a break from work please!
I wish mom guilt wasn’t such a real thing either. I feel like it is ridiculous sometimes. The weekends are generally the only times that my SO has to deal with child care so he watches our daughter while I am cleaning and cooking. But while I am cleaning and cooking, I still feel guilty that I am not watching her. How does that make any sense?
My SO does feel guilt, though. Once in a while he will make a special effort to come home from work early so that he can see our daughter before she goes to bed because he feels guilty that he doesn’t see her during the week.
persimmon / 1255 posts
Mom guilt comes with the territory. Knowing that you’re responsible for a helpless living, breathing, human being that’s utterly dependent on you will definitely do a number on ‘ya.
“Pre-mom” me had a whole list of “I would never….” items but after a few months, I learned to cut myself some slack. Like they tell you during emergency drills, take care of yourself before assisting your child…..cause you’re no use to them if you’re in jeopardy. Plus, they probably won’t remember it when they’re older.
BTW, I’m feeling guilty right now for being on Hellobee instead of actively engaging my LO, lol. She’ll survive and mommy needs the downtime.
hostess / wonderful honeydew / 32460 posts
I don’t have any mom guilt.. I just have wife guilt.
The house used to be a lot cleaner before LO came along.
I used to cook my husband gourmet 3 course meals too.. now he’s lucky if I whip up pasta.. or make him a sandwich. HAHA. sad.
nectarine / 2964 posts
I think a huge portion of it has to do with hormones.
I haven’t even given birth yet (6 months pregnant now), the guilt hits me hard on some days more than others. I was having a break down on Sunday because of the feeling of I am not doing a good enough job. I was going to schedule an appointment to see my shrink (!) Then Monday I woke up and the feeling is completely gone.
I feel guilty about not eating well when I slacked off on cooking, or didn’t eat enough fruit and veggies / drink enough milk. I feel guilty that I am not in love with my baby yet and I am so fearful that I won’t love him at all. I feel guilty that I am not being ecstatic about my gigantic belly and the upcoming motherhood, and I am afraid to tell anyone about it. I feel guilty that I do not love babies and children as much as I do. I feel guilty about not being decisive on circumcision (I am having a boy) – I think I will feel guilty afterwards either way.
A friend of mine told me that it is very important to be a happy mother because the child sense and react to our energy field. I think it is very true. So now I am learning to take it easy. The child is not going to be perfect, and I am not going to be perfect, and that is OK. So just take it easy and smile
pomelo / 5628 posts
I have been surprised that you’ve been blogging as much as you have since Olive came, especially since she was early!
But the guilt is so normal…with everyone. Try to see the positives you do each day and get to everything else when you can. You have A LOT going on right now!!
apple seed / 1 posts
this post made me tear.
i can totally relate cause that’s all i’ve felt after getting pregnant (not planned) with my third when the twins were so young. i was either too sick, too tired, too busy with work after a promotion, or too big to be the mom i “wanted” to be. it was the worst before bedtime when it took every ounce of me to get through those last minutes, alone. i was pretty much a zombie at that point, barely speaking and engaging them. i cried a ton during that period cause i felt like i was robbing them of their childhood since i was barely functioning.
anyways, after the birth of our daughter, it hasn’t gotten better. trying to juggle all three has been intense and i unfortunately don’t see things turning around for a while. i just pray that i’m doing enough.
the hubs is last in line, but he understands. we’re basically in survival mode these days…a beer at night, coffee in the morning, no wonder my milk supply sucks. heh.
anyways, hang in there! you wouldn’t be a mom if you didn’t have to juggle it all. once you’re physically a 100% and olive has grown some, you’ll get into the swing of things and hopefully “seem” somewhat easier.
pea / 19 posts
Mommy guilt will never go away. I do find it interesting that women say they feel guilty for not cooking for their husbands. I wonder if they would ever feel guilty for not cooking for us! There is always something we can do better, no matter Who we are. But you have to cut yourself some slack!!!
pomegranate / 3053 posts
Aaaw…hang in there! You’re doing a great job raising your two kids and taking care of your family. You think of everything for them. They are all very lucky to have you in their lives. You need to take a day (or even a few hours) off and go do something for yourself. Us moms all need to do it!
As for if SO’s feel guilty. I have to say that (and no offense!!) some men just don’t even think about it.
My husband can go either way depending on what the situation is. Drives me insane sometimes but I think life would be so boring if he wasn’t that way! 
pomegranate / 3716 posts
Aww, Bee… I seriously think you are like Superwoman!! I just hope that one day I can be as wonderful a mom as you… and have kids that are as cute, haha!!
pea / 5 posts
I totally feel mom guilt all the time (i have a 1 yr old and 2.5 yr old boys) i just asked my hubby if he feels this and he too is like mr. bee. i wonder if its just in our dna to feel guilty? sigh. hang in there!!
blogger / pomegranate / 3201 posts
I was brought up with the Catholic guilt, so I know it will only increase when I have our baby. I’m not sure about my husband, though. I have a feeling that when I go back to work he’ll feel guilty for not having a higher paying job so I could stay home. That is something we’ve both wanted, but it just isn’t happening. I don’t want him to feel guilty because I know he is a very hard worker and is doing the best he can, but it is inevitable, I suppose!