Banana left a deeply insightful comment on my post about men and praise:
What’s been working really well for my husband’s “daddy self-confidence” isn’t directly praising him but rather, not criticizing him. And I don’t mean in a “you’re doing it wrong!” type of way. But I think that a lot of the things I would do indirectly made him feel like he wasn’t doing his daddy tasks as well as he could be.
For example, after he finished changing my son’s diaper, I would fix one of the velcro tabs because it was crooked. Or if he filled up my son’s sippy cup, I would unscrew it and rescrew it just in case it wasn’t screwed on correctly. I stopped doing those things and just let it be because they were really minor things.
I noticed that his confidence has gone up a lot more ever since I stopped indirectly criticizing his daddy skills. I didn’t even noticed I was doing it until he mentioned it. I still throw in thank yous here and there. But I think the indirect criticizing was affecting him a lot more.
As a dad, I could really relate to this (on both sides of the equation).
But beyond that, I am definitely guilty of re-doing little things that Mrs. Bee does. Usually it’s non kid related things, like work (since we work together on this site). But sometimes it’s Charlie-related stuff too. So I started to think about when I should fix or re-do something, and come up with these rules:
1. Do I know for a fact that something needs to be redone?
In Banana’s example, she talked about rescrewing the lid on a sippy cup “just in case” the lid wasn’t screwed on correctly. After reading her comment and learning from her wisdom, I am much more careful with “just in case” situations.
2. If this thing fails, is it a big deal?
If it is, then of course I am going to say or do something. Say that I know that the diaper is on wrong and will likely cause a poop explosion… it’s probably worth it to either subtly fix it or mention something.
But if not, then life goes on and I won’t say or do anything. Banana gave a great example of a crooked velcro tab on a diaper… that’s probably not a big enough deal to fix.
3. Do I feel strongly about how something should be done? If so, I should do it myself.
There are some things that either Bee or myself feel strongly about.
For example, Bee is much better than me at dressing Charlie in something cute. So if she asks me to dress him, I will either pick out an outfit that I’ve seen him wear before… or I will ask her to pick something out and then I will dress him.
These little rules have helped me cut back on “indirect criticism” when Bee and I work together… and hopefully may be helpful to you too in building up your partner’s parental self-confidence!
Do you ever redo something your SO has just done? How is your SO’s parental self-confidence?
GOLD / pomelo / 5167 posts
Oh I am soooo guilty of this, well prior to Sienna. Ever since Mavrick turned 18 month I kinda let things go seeing DH would be taking care mostly of Mavi when Sienna arrived.
I like the idea of prepping the clothes (if one doesn’t like how the other dresses the child) though I’m sure my husband would simply be like “pfff, ill decide what he will be wearing!”
Great tips!
blogger / pomelo / 5361 posts
This is very insightful-for parenting, relationships, and work! Thanks for posting this.
GOLD / pear / 1845 posts
Just like our house
I always pick out what the girls wear if I care. My husband asks unless we’re just going hiking or out in the yard or something. We’re happy that way. And we’ve just agreed that we diaper differently. He likes them looser because he thinks it must be more comfy (they’re cloth with snaps) and I think that they should be snug so that they don’t have huge puffy bums. But they work fine either way, so why fight about it?
blogger / watermelon / 14218 posts
We both tend to re-do and fix things that each other has done. It can bug both of us but it doesn’t really get to either of us a whole lot anymore. It was a much bigger problem when I was a SAHM– I wouldn’t trust Wagon Sr. with anything and his parenting self-confidence was very low as a result. Now that we’re both working parents and we have both spent a huge amount of time taking care of Wagon Jr. alone, without the other’s help and/or supervision, we’re both pretty confident in ourselves and in each other. We’re each great at doing different things and we appreciate each other’s strengths, rather than pick at each other’s weaknesses.
coconut / 8299 posts
Such great tips! I really need to work on this every day. Just the other day, I indirectly criticized my husband for cutting up my son’s apple slices too thick. I took the bowl and cut the slices up into thinner slices. He just sighed and walked away.
This is where tip #2 would’ve really come in handy!
I just realized how important this will be with my children too!!
GOLD / kiwi / 613 posts
These are very helpful tips! I’m adding this to my favorites so I can look back at this if I find myself getting cranky at Mr. Cat, especially in the early days!
hostess / wonderful honeydew / 32460 posts
I try not to. So far DH’s done a good job taking care of our LO!
guest
Great Post! I did this even before kids
I’ve learned that if I REALLY care I need to be specific to start with and then everyone is happy… and if I don’t care – I just keep my mouth shut. For instance when I make a grocery list I don’t just put ‘milk’ I write ‘2% organic milk’. Or if he’s helping chop veggies I’ll say before we start if I need finger tip size or large slices.
As for with the little guy – early on it was tough. There’s a fine line between helping him figure out a baby – and knowing when it’s something he has to figure out for himself. Sometimes it takes a discussion too if it’s something I think we should both do the same – like bedtime routine. Instead of me dictating what it is, we talk about what we both think might work and would like to try. Or our discipline technique. I try to make sure his opinion counts just as much as ‘moms’