Another dispatch from Mr. Jacks as he reflects on his time as a SAHD!

Since I’m hanging up the diaper bag as a SAHD (at least for now), I though it would be a good time to write about the prejudices that SAHDs face every day. People have gross assumptions about men and how they take care of kids.  This by no means has been helped by the film industry with movies like “Mr. Mom” which make dads into the butt of the joke and show them as bumbling fools.

Recently there was also an article published by Time Healthland that was entitled “Stay at home dads more likely to divorce” when actually it was unemployed men who had a higher divorce rate. The SAHD community got into an uproar about the article and Time eventually changed the title to “Unemployed men are more likely to divorce.”  Though the change was appreciated, the original title highlights a common perception about stay at home dads.  I think people, and I hate to say it but especially women, need to understand that men can do as good a job at raising children as women do.  In fact, in some cases SAHDs may be better — just ask Mrs. Jacks — she’d be the first to tell you that she’d go crazy doing what I do on a daily basis.

I think that one the most common comments I get when I am out with the kids is “You have your hands full!” or “Dad’s day out, eh?”

When I hear these comments I want to turn and tell the person, “Look, I work full-time from home and take care of 2 kids, and they are thriving, so keep it to yourself bub!” But I usually just say something like “every day is dad’s day out!”

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The other day, one woman put me over the top.  We were at the zoo (where most of these things seem to happen), and walking across a bridge to a new exhibit.  I was pushing the stroller, and as always I was wearing Jack Jack while Little Jacks was walking close behind.  Now this bridge is about 30 or so feet above a creek bed that is filled with foliage, and this woman said “I hope she does not fall through, someone should watch her more carefully!”

After that comment, I was fed up.  I said, “Look, this bridge is brand new, built to code, and is in a place where kids are expected to run freely around. They can’t fall through!”, and just walked off.  She looked a bit dumbfounded, but I bet she never would have commented if I was a women with my two kids!

I also feel that when dads are alone with their kids, people treat our kids differently then they would if a mother was present.  Just last week I was at the zoo (again with the zoo!) with the kids. As usual Jack Jack was sleeping on me in the wrap.  As we were walking, an elderly woman noticed Little Jacks and mentioned that she was adorable.  Then she noticed that I also had a baby in the wrap on my chest, walked up to me, said “Ohhh and you have another one here!” and proceeded to try to pull the wrap from the baby’s face to see her!

I stepped back and said very sternly “She is sleeping”.  At this point most people might apologize or just walk away, but she actually stepped forward again and tried to pull on the wrap again!  I warded off her hand and said with a strong hint of anger, “No, she is sleeping!”  She still did not get it, so I just started walking away.  People do not do things like this to mothers with their kids, at least not as much, yet it happens to me all the time.  But really, why would someone think this is totally appropriate, especially to do this to a complete stranger!  Mom may be a mama bear protecting her cubs, but I am a sleeping giant! I tend to ignore most things like this but one can only stand so much.

I think the biggest problem with our society today regarding dads as primary caregiver is that people assume that we are staying at home because we have lost a job, and therefore are somehow lazy or less than other men.  The Time Healthland article illustrates this perfectly.  The study included men who lost a job and were forced into a home role when they would prefer to be working and providing monetarily for their family.  Needless to say, these men are likely to be dissatisfied with their position as primary caretaker for children.   However I, and many other, have chosen to take the position of stay at home dad.  We prefer being at home with our children to being in the work force.

I know this is just speculation, but if a women lost her job and was forced into the role of a stay at home parent, I would wager that the findings would be similar with respect to dissatisfaction and divorce.  All this study tells me is that an unhappy parent is not a good parent (or a good spouse for that matter).

So as I hang up my diaper bag and retire from the SAHD world, I’m a little bit sad that I’m not continuing to break down barriers and stereotypes about fathers as primary caregivers.  I do promise, however, to continue to fight the battle as a weekend warrior!


The girls looking adoringly at their dad on the 4th of July!