I have a confession: for the first two months of my baby’s life, I was scared of him. Crazy you say? Allow me to explain…
When Liam was born, I fell immediately in love with him. He was perfect and it was as if he was always my baby, but I was just meeting him now. However, after almost 48 hours of labor, Mr. TTT and I were both exhausted, to say the least. Add a baby who doesn’t know the difference between night and day to that equation, and you have a recipe for zombie parents. I’ll never forget Liam’s first doctor’s appointment – I was so tired that I fell asleep sitting in a chair in the exam room while waiting for the doctor to finish with another patient. Luckily my husband was there to hold the baby while I got a few minutes of much needed rest.
As a breastfeeding mom, soon my entire life revolved around nursing him. However, nursing was quite painful for me until he was about 8 weeks old. Sadly, this caused me to dread each nursing session which made me terrified of him waking up or getting fussy. I dealt with the pain and always put Liam’s nutritional needs above my own comfort, but it was tough and that’s one reason he terrified me.
Secondly, there’s the whole sleep thing I mentioned above. Sleeping while the baby sleeps is much easier said than done, and I was lucky if I was getting a couple of hours a day at the very beginning. Since I needed sleep so badly, I became a crazy person when it came to keeping Liam asleep. If someone just breathed too loud nearby, I would tense up and feel like crying because I was scared he would wake up and that I would NEVER SLEEP AGAIN. This lasted until he was about three months old, when we finally figured out how to keep him asleep in his crib for longer than an hour at a time (miracle blanket and white noise machine, for the win).
Leaving the house always felt like such a gamble. Sometimes I’d be able to time it right and have a leisurely lunch with a friend while he slept peacefully in his stroller the whole time. Other times, I wouldn’t even make it down the block before I knew we’d have to turn around and go back home to nurse him or change his diaper or whatever. I called him my ticking time bomb because if I took him on an errand, I was always rushing to get things done before he exploded in one way or another.
Liam has never been a difficult baby, though. I know this because I’ve met many difficult babies in my life and I’m so thankful that ours is usually happy and if he’s not, it’s easy to make him happy – a diaper change, snuggle, or nursing session always does the trick. However, as a brand new mom, I admit I was scared of him those first couple of months. The more experience I have as a mom, the less afraid I am and the easier everything is. I am also able to enjoy him so much more now that I’m rested and not in pain, which in a way makes me sad because I feel like I didn’t enjoy him as much as I should have during the early weeks.
I’m already looking forward to when/if we have baby number two because I know I’ll be so much more confident, and I think I’ll be able to appreciate the newborn stage so much more than I did with Liam. Of course, then I’ve have two kids and that bring a whole different set of fears and anxiety with it!
Have you ever been scared of your baby?
nectarine / 2886 posts
I often felt like this too, until my LO hit the 3 month mark. I would literally say my prayers before heading into Target or the grocery, hoping that LO wouldn’t have a meltdown! But I think at 3 months I finally started understanding what she liked and didn’t like. For instance, she won’t ever have a meltdown in the carrier, so I use that! Funny how small beings can instill such fear in us adults!
GOLD / pomelo / 5167 posts
I definitely felt like this with my first but when you have a second, it’s CRAZY how things change. Just know you aren’t alone. It’s actually pretty common
guest
I did, and in a way, that time totally shaped how I deal with my son now. My hubs still says “you’re afraid of the baby”. I was always so afraid that he’d cry. I would tense up if someone was holding him, because I didn’t want him to cry. That held me back from letting a lot of people hold him the first year.
pomegranate / 3225 posts
This is actually scaring me for when LO arrives! Thank you for your honesty!
GOLD / cherry / 182 posts
Funny – I’ve never been scared of my baby, but I’m always scared of other mom’s babies. I feel nervous I’m going to do something wrong or something.
clementine / 889 posts
For me it has been the reverse. I absolutely loved the newborn days. He slept a lot and I didn’t worry about going on errands. I’m sure I was a little more crazy than I remember it, especially with sleep. I handled the late night wakings much better than the early morning wakings, and the 4-7am wakings really made me nutty. But now that DS is old enough to assert his independence, but too young to understand things likes first this, then that, I am pretty terrified of taking him places. He melts down when I have to stop him from doing things, and he is the king of tantrums. (hitting, biting, kicking, running away, arching his back and rolling to get away from me or to stop me from getting him in his carseat.) Overall these are getting better, but unless we are going to daycare or the park, I don’t really take him anywhere that he won’t be strapped in his stroller. I miss the newborn days because from where I am now, they seem so easy in comparison. But DS is totally adorable and makes up for his tantrums with his giggles, pre-bedtime cuddles, and all the things that he is learning to do and say every day.
pomegranate / 3314 posts
I totally felt this way. I remember my mother-in-law pointing out that she thought I might be afraid of LO and instead of challenging her I just thought, “Oh my God, YES. That is it. I am afraid of my baby.” And I was. I didn’t always know how to comfort her, nursing was a nightmare for me and I was so sleep deprived (I don’t think I really appreciated what sleep deprivation actually feels like before LO arrived). Plus, my husband had no paternity leave and was working crazy stupid hours.
Now, LO is 3.5 months and it is a world of difference. We are sleep training and so I have a much better idea of when she’s tired and grumpy and needs to have a nap. Plus, she goes to sleep every night at 7:00, which means I actually get a little time with my husband (he has since left that ridiculous job, thankfully). It does get better, but man, it can feel bleak in the beginning. I tell pregnant women/new mothers to take any and all help that is offered. Don’t feel bad, just take it! Because you will need it.
GOLD / wonderful apricot / 22646 posts
I have no doubt that these are FTM sentiments that I’ll be going through in a few months. I can’t believe how big Liam is already!!!
blogger / pomegranate / 3300 posts
I think I am different than most. I was fine with my first. But when number 2 and 3 came along I was scared out of my mind. I had many a good cry about caring for twin newborns. I had a panic attack when my husband went back to work. The idea of being the one solely responsible for three kids under a year old terrified me. But I got into a groove and I seemed to get a handle on things. The more I was alone with all three the more confident I got in my mothering abilities.
pomelo / 5178 posts
#2 was so much easier for me. Don’t get me wrong, I had my fair share of breakdowns trying to take care of two under two, but I didn’t have nearly the anxiety with DS that I had with DD. It was much better the second time around!
guest
I could have written this myself! Felt exactly the same way.
pea / 23 posts
I feel the same way! It feels good to know I’m not alone! I’ll leave the house with my husband, but always feel like we have to rush because I don’t want my little one to wake up and cry. My baby is 9 weeks old and I have yet to leave the house alone with her. I am terrified that she will start crying while I’m driving and I won’t be able to calm her down, the thought of it gives me anxiety. Like Liam, my baby girl is an “easy” baby in that if she’s upset, a diaper change, feeding or snuggles will usually calm her. I see Facebook pictures of friends and their babies enjoying the summer and wonder why I’m so scared to get out there. Hoping I get brave soon!
blogger / nectarine / 2010 posts
White noise machine for the win over here too! We pulled it out around 2 weeks and it was like the heavens opened and the baby slept soundly!
I was nervous for the first couple months too. I found that planning out how things would go and exactly when I would things helped. For instance, I went to the mall and planned out that if I were on x. end of the mall and he woke up, I’d nurse at Nordstroms, at y. in the car, at z. then at Starbucks. As long as I had my back-up plan, I was good! I also built my going-out confidence by going to a weekly breastfeeding support group. It was basically the most supportive place I could have ever gone and was great practice for other outings
pomegranate / 3314 posts
@bebe: I felt this way, too, but didn’t have much of a choice about getting out since I live in the city without a car and my husband works really long hours. Still, I would get a feeling of panic when it came to going out, as I was so worried LO would start screaming.
I would say just start small! If you’re worried, plan a super short outing and see how it goes. And like Mrs. Stroller said, have a back-up plan. I am finally to the point where if I’m out with LO and a melt-down ensues, I don’t stress about it too much. I just try and assess what the problem is and deal with it. And if my attempts to calm the situation don’t work, then we go home.
It will get easier and you will get more comfortable, I promise! But definitely do it so you can get out and enjoy the warm summer weather while it lasts.
guest
Reading your story was like reliving what my wife went through for our daughter. Breast feeding was incredibly painful for her but she was committed to it (beyond what was healthy). She felt a huge pressure from the breast feeding promoters to stick it through. Eventually one of the nurses gave her a nipple guard as a temporary relief, but recommended not using it after her nipple healed.
Hogwash! That thing was a saviour!
On sleep, I finally kicked my wife out of the house for a few days and did a hardcore sleep training at 7 months. I just couldn’t go on being in a daze of 45 minute sleep sessions. Now she’s a great sleeper.
Most of the problems stemmed from expecting it to be “hard but beautiful”. It wasn’t. It was four months of no sleep, no smiles and lots of crying. But it got better. WAY BETTER!
Hang in there.
guest
Oh yeah! I was terrified of my son. Babies are masters of psychological warfare!
nectarine / 2163 posts
Oh my goodness, yes!
I’m alternating bottle feeding with breastfeeding because one of my nipples is cracked too badly to feed off. I’m terrified every feed time, because of how much breastfeeding hurts, or that he’ll want more milk than I’ve pumped! It’s exhausting. I’m so glad my Mum is here to keep me calm all day, I don’t know what I’ll do when she goes home!
guest
Thank you for this post. Its totally me! I’ve been terrified of my baby from day 1. She’s 4 months now. I love her to pieces but now trying to sleep train I am afraid of the tears! Wish me luck! And also going back to work. Ugh