Pregnancy is a time of daydreaming and preparation. Like a bride plans a wedding, the mom-to-be “plans” what sort of mother she will become. But unlike a wedding, which can be micromanaged to the last detail, parenting is messy. It also lasts for 18+ years! Modern moms-to-be who derive comfort from controlling everything in their life may mistakenly expect the same from parenting. And yet parenthood is a far richer experience when you remain open to its transformative power.
While I was pregnant, I tried not to establish any unrealistic expectations about becoming a mom or even delivery. I purposefully avoided drafting a birth plan because I knew I would be disappointed if my experience didn’t live up to the document. I read the books but tried hard to remain open-minded about most issues.
In spite of my attempts, one thing stuck: babywearing. I fantasized about babywearing while I was pregnant. I was mesmerized by Dr. Sears’s description of doting parents toting blissed-out infants. The books reassured me I would be able to cook meals, do chores, shop, and save the world while wearing a baby. I didn’t want to be one of those miserable, exasperated moms pushing a stroller around a crowded mall. I was obsessively fearful of how having a child would limit my freedom; babywearing reassured me that I could retain a modicum of independence.
Unfortunately it took some work to acclimate Scribble to being carried. He was too small to fit in the sling at birth and by the time he had gained enough to be worn safely, he was used to being unconstrained. In my preggo babywearing fantasy, babies always loved being carried. So why didn’t mine? I learned to put him in the wrap, then make laps around my house to calm him down. Eventually he settled in.
Scribble’s surrender to the wrap coincided neatly with onset of a serious case of postpartum cabin fever. I was ready to get out of the house and start exercising regularly. I carried him lots of places; my greatest babywearing moment was carrying him at a BBQ festival when he was just six weeks old. His daddy and I started taking him on walks every afternoon. The sling made me feel so free! I was the hip, unencumbered mama of my prenatal fantasies!
One day we were taking our customary walk. I was focusing ahead of me; a woman and her dog were approaching and I was thinking about how we were going to keep our own dog from having a complete meltdown.
I stepped into a small pothole and fell hard. I managed to cradle baby’s head while I was falling and caught our weight on both knees. I cried and looked down. Thankfully, baby was sleeping peacefully on my chest, completely undisturbed by my tumble.
I, on the other hand, was terrified. My legs were bloodied. My husband tried to help me up but I could barely balance myself with a baby on my chest. I hobbled back to our home, shell shocked and trembling.
It wasn’t a terrible fall of course: two badly skinned and swollen knees. The realization of what might have happened stung the most. Every time I closed my eyes, I pictured nightmare scenes. I felt ashamed. In all the time I had fantasized about babywearing, it never even occurred to me to worry about falling.
I wish I could say I got back into babywearing. I still use my wrap, but only in safer scenarios like grocery shopping, when I can put two hands on a cart. I feel much more comfortable using padded, structured carriers. Logically, I know that babywearing is safe. There are other things I do—like occasionally cosleeping! – that are arguably more dangerous than carrying baby in a wrap. And around the house, babywearing is unquestionably safer than simply carrying baby in arms.
I know my anxiety is a little silly, but it still lingers.
Falling was a watershed moment for me; it was the moment I realized that the image of the cool, independent, totally in control momma was a fiction. It gave me permission to reconsider the expectations I had unwittingly built up about how productive, active, and unencumbered I would be as a parent. That day and every day I give thanks that motherhood has forced me to slow down. Independent to a fault and stubborn, I had never felt such fear as I did in the moment I fell while babywearing (I have in subsequent moments of parenting, but never before). Parenthood has left me just as vulnerable as my child.
Don’t we all have our moments of “falling?” Moments of failure in parenting that leave us breathless, overwhelmed, or convicted of our own inadequacy? Sometimes it is these moments, and not the books, websites, or advice from well-meaning friends, that shape us for the better as parents.
wonderful clementine / 24134 posts
Do glad that you and baby were safe! I can understand how that would be really scary.
pomegranate / 3314 posts
I didn’t have any scary experiences with babywearing, but unfortunately my LO never got into it. I also had wanted to have the experience and it seems every woman in my neighborhood is out and about with baby strapped to them. But it didn’t quite work out for us and the stroller became our best friend! I’m just glad we have one I love because we use it A LOT.
GOLD / wonderful grape / 20289 posts
So scary! My MIL fell, not while baby wearing but while carrying my BIL. She threw him into a bush because that was her first reaction to keep him safe from the hard concrete. It worked, he was fine
grapefruit / 4823 posts
Scary! but it happens sometimes. my mom was carrying my brother when he was little and slipped on ice. she ended up landing on top of him, after he landed on the curb….broke his leg.
pomegranate / 3604 posts
LO fell off his change table and planted face first last week. even as i think about it now i still get a sick feeling in my gut.
blogger / wonderful cherry / 21616 posts
what a scary experience!!!
I just reazlied though that we both are calling our baby’s “Scribbles”!!! OOPS!!! hahaha.
blogger / watermelon / 14218 posts
Every time I am going up or down the stairs holding the baby I get an anxiety attack that I’m going to miss the last couple of stairs and fall! I think I need a one-level house…
I have fallen holding the baby but was always able to catch myself and always had the baby in a position where they weren’t in trouble (like, pushing them straight up into the air and holding them above my body which was falling). So incredibly scary. We’ve had a few falls (off the bed, from crib vaulting, while playing, off the couch, down the stairs, etc) and it’s always such a sick feeling.
guest
My husband fell with our 2 month old on the stairs. I have never ever ever seen him more terrified!!! I was right in front of them and when I turned around he had held her against his chest & fell on his bum.
grapefruit / 4669 posts
Wow, that’s scary! I’m glad Scribble was/is okay….there are so many things that can go wrong, but it’s great that you’re able to keep your cool in an emergency! (the head cradling part/falling on your knees)
grapefruit / 4400 posts
@sarbear: awwww your poor mom must’ve felt horrible! Did your brother need a tiny cast?
GOLD / pear / 1845 posts
My best friends slipped on the ice while carrying her baby and the baby broke her leg. So brutal! I’m glad you were able to catch Scribble!.
kiwi / 515 posts
I was wearing dd in the baby Bjorn when she was about 3 months, and had a similar fall. I fell on my knees and skinned and bloodied them up pretty good, but baby girl was unharmed. The thing that got me, was my dd was awake and it scared her so she screamed! It was miserable
I will say I am back to wearing in the grocery store and around the house, but like you it definitely gave me a scare!
blogger / wonderful cherry / 21628 posts
Oh wow, how scary.
blogger / eggplant / 11551 posts
Within our first month as parents, our DD almost tumbled from DH’s chest down to the floor while sleeping in our bed – we were both terrified. There have been countless other times since where we’ve found ourselves “falling”, but it’s true – it’s times like these times make us more aware and resilient as parents, and perhaps it helps our LO’s as well as they learn to find strength in uncertainty.
pomelo / 5178 posts
When DS was a couploe months old we took DD down to play in the river. I thought I was so cool, river walking with a baby on my chest when I fell and completely soaked both of us. My kneew were scraped up (as were my hands), we were both dripping wet, but somehow DS managed to sleep through the whole thing. It totally surprised me, but it also made me realize that our kids are much more resilient than we often give them credit for. Often the biggest comfort for life’s little falls and scraped knees is a simple hug and kiss from mom/dad to make it all better, and kids can (and have!) survived much worse than this.
Well, either that or my kid sleeps like an ox and wouldn’t have woken up even if a hurricane blew through town, lol.
grapefruit / 4731 posts
I haven’t fallen while carrying a baby. But I have fallen down my stairs (pre-baby) and broken my ankle bones. So when he was first born I refused to carry him up and down the stairs. After a few months I got use to the idea of it but I still hold on to the railing if I’m carrying him. ^_^
I’m glad you and your baby are safe! Definitely a scary moment!
grapefruit / 4823 posts
@HabesBabe: she felt horrible! it was black ice and she thought she had went around it. i want to say he was under 3. he had this little cast and since he was so little(and little for his age) they didn’t have crutches in his size.
coffee bean / 48 posts
Your mom-to-be self sounds exactly like how I am right now!
I’ve already managed to fall once while pregnant, skinning my knee pretty good. I think it’s my husband’s greatest fear, I’m such a klutz and he’s used to catching me if we’re walking together and I start to pitch over… but it’s those times when I’m by myself walking to the car on a completely level surface and somehow twist my ankle and he’s not there…
My only consolation is that I seem to have a pretty strong fall reaction reflex… I’m pretty good at getting my knees under me or at least sticking my arms out to break my fall. Actually my reflex is probably too good, I once broke my arm because I slipped and took a hard fall but managed to get my arm out in front to stop myself. People tell me I should learn to take it on the shoulder, but I guess I’d rather break an arm than land on a baby…
cantaloupe / 6146 posts
All accidents lead to anxiety around the activity leading to the accident. Took me forever not to stress about driving after I got rear ended.
I’m glad baby was ok–and give yourself time to heal mentally as well as physically.
I do baby wear even though I fall because I have worse paranoia about getting the stroller in an accident.
I really like your writing style!
blogger / persimmon / 1398 posts
I probably shouldn’t admit to this… but I fell down our stairs with my son after only being home for two months. It was a bad enough fall that we both had to go to Urgent Care. (We were fine!) But reading this brought me right back to that moment. I’m still really paranoid about stairs!
GOLD / nectarine / 2884 posts
I must say it is somehow cathartic to fess up to and hear everyone’s confessions about topples and spills! It is definitely a scary thing to experience, but it is nice to know it happens to everyone (well, at least a lot of us).
@Pastemoo: Wow, thanks! I’m flattered!