I have struggled to write this post for some time. I was afraid revisiting my thoughts on and memories of postpartum depression (PPD) might cause more anxiety as we talk about possibly expanding our family in the future.
I am more scared today of having a(nother) child than I was two years ago before Baby Checkers was born.
Before Baby Checkers was born, I feared the unknown. I had no idea what to expect. I was afraid of being an unfit mother, of being able to survive on little to no sleep, on failing at everything. And much to my chagrin, I believed all of these fears had come true when she was born. I am not sure how much the chemical/hormonal imbalance affected my mind, or how much was due to my Type A and self-critical nature. My feelings of guilt, worthlessness and failure, coupled with insomnia and anxiety, ultimately led me down a dark path of despair and depression; I felt like an impostor, completely helpless and out of control, and was the most scared I had ever felt in my life.
Today, I fear the known.
Moms always say, “You’ll forget!” Or better yet, some moms used to say to me, “You’ll miss this!”
Perhaps I am not far enough removed to miss it because I have not forgotten and still remember the painful details of that time.
I have forgotten things like when Baby Checkers learned how to sit up. Or when she rolled over for the first time. Or how many ounces she was drinking at 4 months. Luckily I have thousands of photos and fewer blog entries documenting these milestones. Yes, I am that mom – the one who litters your Newsfeed with hour-by-hour updates.
I have not forgotten the sleepless nights. Or how Baby Checkers would cry and scream during feedings and how defeated I felt when I made the decision to put her exclusively on formula at eight weeks. Or feeling completely alone. Or wondering when Mr. Checkers would realize I had completely lost my mind. Even though I was in a fog, I still remember all of it.
Who knew having a newborn could be so terrifying?
I am sure part of my experience had to do with the anxiety every first-time-mom has with her first baby. And while I know I will never be a first-time-mom again, I also know there is a very real possibility I may experience postpartum depression again.
I may just be insane enough to do it all over again. I just need to finish writing my pros and cons list.
For you moms who experienced a difficult time TTC, or a difficult pregnancy, childbirth, or postpartum period – have you ever felt this way? Were you afraid to try again?
GOLD / squash / 13576 posts
What a great post! I’m glad I’m not the only one going through this.
I am afraid of TTC #2 because I had to have the CVS test and I ended up giving birth to my LO 6 weeks early and he stayed in the NICU 10 days. I’m scared about the possibility of bedrest and having another baby that will potentially be in the NICU. I still want to start TTC but I’m definitely scared.
grapefruit / 4817 posts
Amen. I have very similar feelings and am terrified of having another child at this point. I’m just now starting to feel somewhat normal a year into my son’s life, and the thought of accidentally getting pregnant causes me to lose sleep some nights. Newborns suck and I certainly haven’t forgotten. Being depressed sucks and I haven’t forgotten that either.
nectarine / 2886 posts
Thanks for posting this. I’m terrified to TTC for #2 because LO was not an easy baby, and I think I experienced PPD albeit a bit later when LO was around 6 months, related to hormones and weaning. You’re definitely not the only mama who feels this way!
clementine / 878 posts
I’m terrified of having another. I’ve always had one foot in the one-and-done camp, but after hating being pregnant and going through PPD, I am 99% sure I’m one-and-done. LO is 10.5 months old and DH and I have agreed we’ll just let things be for now and not discuss #2. When we first talked kids, he was in the 2-3 kids camp. So we’ll see how it goes.
When people ask us when or if we’re going to have another, we just say we’re not discussing it.
blogger / pomegranate / 3201 posts
I’m scared of officially starting to TTC again because it wasn’t easy the first time. I know I didn’t have it that bad, but I also vividly remember the pain I felt in the thick of it and I don’t want to go back to that. I also worry about how I’ll be able to divide my attention between two kids, but I know that’s a pretty common fear for 2nd time moms.
I hope you are able to come to a decision that helps you find peace!
coffee bean / 48 posts
I remember too. And I’ve phrased it the same way in my head — “the fear of the known” — because… now I know what it’s like to not actually be sure I can live through labor, and I know what it’s like to go through countless foggy days alone with a newborn because there’s no relief from the depression.
I am pregnant with #2. I knew I’d have a lot to deal with and think through as we were TTC, and now I am in that process. I do know that I came through that first round of PPD with a different kind of faith in God, and that is where my no-longer-naive hope is being built now.
blogger / eggplant / 11551 posts
I wanted to ask you the other day if you were afraid of getting PPD again, but I didn’t want to bring it up and remind you of such a difficult time in your life unless you brought it up first. Thanks for sharing.
blogger / pear / 1964 posts
Totally understandable! But knowing more can be a good thing, too. If PPD hits again, don’t you think you’ll be better equipped to deal with it? The first hint of symptoms and you can start taking steps to address it. I wonder if there are any preventative therapies you can try knowing that you are susceptible? Placenta encapsulation, maybe? Also, although it’s miserable and awful at least you know you can survive it – you’ve been there, done that, and although you don’t want to re experience it, you would also survive a second time. Good luck, Mama!
blogger / persimmon / 1220 posts
@betsyboop: @littlek: @BananaPancakes: @Goldilocks1107: @mrs. tictactoe: So glad I’m not alone in this!
blogger / persimmon / 1220 posts
@teaberry: Congratulations!
@Mrs. Tricycle: @teaberry: Yes, of course there is hope knowing that I came through it the first time around and I absolutely LOVE being a mom to my daughter now. There is that. DH agrees that I will be better equipped (I was on medication and began regularly attending therapy during the postpartum period which all helped immensely), and so I know there is help available. I’m just not wanting to revisit that dark place again, even though I know I can survive it.
pear / 1849 posts
I could have written this post. I had severe PPD for the first 2-3 months of LOs life and I am absolutely terrified of going through that again. There’s a chance we will be “one and done” – it was a very tough pregnancy as well – but if we do decide to have a second, my husband and I have talked about getting a night nanny. While I know there was more at play than just sleep deprivation, I also know that it played a very large role in my case. It’s obviously not the right solution for everyone, but it is the only way we will even consider having another. I cannot afford to go through that again, mentally or physically.
PS- Thank you for speaking out about PPD. It is so nice to hear that other people had the same thoughts I did.
honeydew / 7488 posts
As someone who had PPD and went on to have #2 with no issues, just some reassurance that very likely things will be much easier the second time around. Even if the child is not easier per se, knowing what to expect and knowing you have gotten through it before makes a world of difference!
blogger / persimmon / 1220 posts
@Mrs. High Heels: You can always ask the question
@T-Mom: That is very encouraging to hear!
coffee bean / 48 posts
@Mrs Checkers: Thanks! And I agree completely… it *is* a good thing to know what to watch for, but I too want to avoid going into “that dark place” altogether. I think the terrible part about PPD is that (& maybe it was just me) it’s so despairingly disorienting that it felt like there would never be an end to it.
blogger / persimmon / 1220 posts
@teaberry: YES. I think this is one of the biggest fears of those who suffer from PPD. You think you will feel like this forever and there is no way out. Most definitely not just you.
blogger / persimmon / 1220 posts
@teaberry: Please let me know how #2 goes! Would love to continue talking to women with this shared experience. Praying you do not have to experience it again!
coffee bean / 48 posts
@Mrs Checkers: That really means a lot; thank you. I hope to have good news (of all kinds) to share when this little one gets here!
blogger / persimmon / 1220 posts
@SeptMomma12: No problem. I so wished there were more women I could talk to about it during my PPD, so I am happy to share my experience with this community.
coconut / 8305 posts
Thanks so much for sharing!
I’m not sure if I ever had PPD b/c I never went and saw anyone for it BUT the first 5 months of P’s life were *horrible* comparatively speaking to my time as a ftm with G. We had a number of feeding issues, I was now the mom of two with a baby that cried almost constantly needing to be held, DH and I experienced a trying time not connecting through the struggle of me trying to find my footing again, and it is only recently that I have started to feel like “me” again… on most days anyways.
We BOTH said on more than one occasion we were done having kids b/c we didn’t want to go through that again and seriously my awesome birth experience was the ONLY thing that kept me even considering more kids *one day*. Now that P is almost a year old we’re ready to be “open” to more but it will still be a little while before we stop preventing & start ttc again.
I always *knew* that every pregnancy/labor/birth/child was different but I definitely have a true understanding of that now. What I hold on to is that we HAVE come through it & our next experience may not be as trying….. or it may, but I know there’s hope it won’t always be like “that”.
Being a parent is scary!
pomegranate / 3383 posts
Great post!!
I really, really disliked the newborn phase and never felt so unsure of myself and my capabilities ever in my life. I never experienced true PPD but I was pretty darn close. We’ve always said we wanted our children a little further apart (4-5 years), but now it’s mainly because I want the difficult newborn days to be a very distant memory (or completely forgotten!).
blogger / persimmon / 1220 posts
@runsyellowlites: It is scary!
@Sammyfab: ME TOO. I don’t know that I will ever be able to “enjoy” the newborn phase. I hated it. The worst part for me was really the insomnia/sleep deprivation.
pea / 9 posts
I don’t normally comment, but I also wanted to reassure you that PPD did not occur with my next baby. I was diagnosed, medicated and counseled when my second child was 6 months old. I was feeling so much better when we found out we were expecting again. I was devastated. I cried for weeks because this wasn’t planned, I was terrified of PPD and my old school doctor took me off all of my medications. I continued to worsen until finally we changed doctors and I began a low dose of antidepressants during my final trimester. Baby boy is now 2 months old and I feel wonderful.. sleep deprived but wonderful! ;-). I’m continuing medication and therapy still but it is so worth it to enjoy this time.
honeydew / 7968 posts
I never got depression, but raising twins was hell! I definitely do NOT miss the newborn days. But I do feel like if we have another, I’ll know better what to do….