Over time our family has gravitated more and more to a Montessori approach to most things involving our daughters.  There are multiple different ways to do potty training, and they all work pretty well, I think.  Here is a method that we sort of fell into by “accident” (potty pun!) and has worked for us.

With Little Jacks, I wasn’t fully immersed in Montessori Living the way we are now.  We did do cloth diapers (which help children to feel when they are wet more easily) and we thought we recognized some of the toilet training readiness cues at around 14 or 15 months. Both cloth diapers and toilet readiness cues are Montessori recommendations. We weren’t doing everything in a Montessori way though since we also implemented a reward system. We had a few lucky successes and that paved the way for LJ being mostly potty trained by 18 months. However, when Jack Jack came home (LJ was 21 months), we had a fairly substantial potty regression. But at this point, I was much more aware of Montessori methods and approached things a little differently. I’ll try and detail the differences between potty training and toilet learning.

The primary difference in the way I think about the two is that potty training tends to be oriented to the adult perspective.  I decided it was time to “train” Little Jacks and I decided to provide an incentive to entice her into compliance. With toilet learning you can think of the learning process as its own reward. No incentives are necessary. In toilet learning you wait until the child is entering a sensitive period for bladder control. It’s good to check for physical, emotional and mental cues.

The physical cues:

-Your child is able to stay dry for prolonged periods of time.

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-He or she is able to express the need to go to the bathroom.
-He or she can go into the bathroom and access the potty.
-He or she can work with the clothes to remove them as necessary for the process.

The emotional cues:

-Your child looks for privacy when going to the bathroom.
-He or she shows interest in the potty. This can include wanting to play in the water, throwing paper in, watching parents or siblings and imitating.
-He or she is not scared of the potty.

The mental cues:

-The ability to follow simple directions.
-Asks to be changed when the diaper is wet or poopy.
-He or she has words or signs for potty, urine, poop.
-Can recognize the  need to potty even while distracted.

These cues don’t happen all at once and you can think of toilet learning in stages.

Stage I: Toilet Play
-Pretends to go potty, usually with clothes on
-Observes others going to the bathroom
-Shows an interest in the toilet

Stage II: Toilet Practice
-Practices flushing
-Pulls pants up and down
-Practices hand washing
-Practices getting on and off the potty
-Tells you when they have to go to the bathroom

Stage III: Toilet Learning
-Wants to wear real underwear
-Can hold urine for prolonged periods of time
-Can sit on the potty and void successfully (even if not all the time)

Stage IV: Independent Toileting
-Needs no help and can wipe afterward independently

When we started with LJ the first time, she showed many of the cues, but if I had to put her in a stage, she’d probably have been an early stage 2.  Jack Jack is finally starting to show readiness in many of these areas too!  She is well in stage 2 and has even had a few lucky episodes where she went to the bathroom on the potty. This time, though, I recognize that she’s still in early stages and we’re not doing much more than following her cues and interest in it.

One recommendation is to have a small potty in the home and accessible at around 12 months. This allows children to familiarize themselves with the potty and practice imitating what we do, without it becoming a tool of a power struggle in any way. Invest some time when they are interested and let them lead you in their interactions with the potty. This allows them to do the stage 1 activities early on.

When your child seems to be ready for stages 2 and 3, it is helpful to clothe them in things that are really easy to take on and off.  Avoid the skinny jeans and onesies and go with skirts, dresses or easy on and off pants or shorts.

At the point that you are pretty convinced that your child is ready (usually around Stage 3), you might choose to switch to cotton underpants.  We use the thick cotton training pants which protect outfits from small accidents, but which allow the child to immediately feel that they’ve had an accident.  It helps to talk about toileting using clear and direct words and correct anatomic designations. This gives kids confidence about their bodies and about the potty itself. We talk a lot about “listening to our bodies” which included sharing when we felt we had to go to the bathroom. We allow our daughters to be in control, but also to understand the consequences of what might happen if they don’t.  For example, Little Jacks just doesn’t like going to the bathroom first thing in the morning. We try to respect this pattern but also remind her of what might happen if she forgets when she gets busier a little later on.  This seems to have worked for us and has taken the battle out of potty times.

Toilet learning, unlike potty training, is a process. This is not the weekend approach (which actually works very well for many people).  You are allowing yourself to be lead by the child, which does take a lot longer. You are committing to a positive environment and the possibility of “accidents” which framed positively could be considered “learning opportunities.”  When we experienced an accident, instead of making a big deal about it, we tried to underplay it. I’d say something like, “Ok, let’s clean up together” and nothing more. We read a lot of books about potty and found Elmo’s Potty Time infinitely useful. We also focused on the whole ritual, so that the hand washing (which our girls love) is just as important as the other parts.  We also spent a lot of time talking about the progress each girl has made.  “You know, when you were little, you couldn’t tell us that you had to go potty, but now that you are big, you can!”

We try not to get frustrated or to using shaming words like “stinky,” “naughty,” or “dirty,” and we try really hard not to compare the girls to one another or to friends (though it is sometimes so so tempting to use a more advanced friend as an encouragement!). This method takes parental patience, but hopefully has long term benefits.  Most of all we just wanted the girls to feel confident and have control over the bodies that they are in.  We hope that this early mastery of their physical self spills over (there I am again with the stupid potty puns) into other areas of their lives and provides a good foundation for their futures as strong confident women.

Has anyone else used a method similar to toilet learning?

Additional reading:

Toilet Learning vs. Toilet Training via Daily Montessori

Toilet Training the Montessori Way: Tips for Preparation and Success by North American Montessori Center