Hellobee

Never in life has the phrase “the next chapter” been so poignant as it was for me when I decided to become a SAHM. Truth be told, I didn’t plan to be a SAHM in a mental, financial or long term goal sort of way that I had planned out every other stage of my life. Becoming a SAHM found me, called me and begged me until I heeded to my heart.

After Gemma, my first daughter, was born, I relished my maternity leave. I loved every minute of being home with her, but there was a looming “back to work” date that was always just around the corner. I thought that I would simply jump back into my old job as an architectural intern, complete my license and finally gain a huge accomplishment that I had worked toward for the eight years prior to having Gemma. In order to become a licensed architect, you need an accredited 5 year degree, 3 years of interning, to pass 7 exams, and in California, take a final comprehensive exam. When I went on maternity leave I was about 2 years into my interning phase so I figured I would push ahead, cut down to 30 hours a week and finish up my license.

It is also worth mentioning, I didn’t particularly enjoy my job. Interning for three years sucks. I learned a lot, but the work was mediocre, a lot of which was due to the economy tanking and the building sector getting hit especially hard in the states. I was working at far less than my potential, and often felt bored with the day-in day-out routine. I tried to acquiesce my conscience by reminding myself how lucky I was to have a job; my company downsized from about 80 employees when I started to about 50 as I was nearing my leave. I needed change and I craved a more creative lifestyle with less paperwork, but I tried to suck it up so I could get licensed and then start job hunting.

When I went back to my job, I did so with strong emotion. I asked for a promotion because I had outgrown the position I left, and I thought this could suffice for the next year until I was licensed. My company agreed to allowing me more responsibility, but not more compensation, and I felt like it would be good for our family and for my career for me to return.

I’ll never forget leaving my daughter that first day. I felt so helpless as if a piece of my body was back at home and I was purposely forgetting it. I cried in the car on the way to work and held back tears all day when anyone asked about her. I just missed her and it didn’t stop; in fact I think over the six months I was at work, missing her grew and grew into a hard emotional obstacle for me.

Looking back, I am not sure how I got through six months at work before I knew that it was definitely time to call it quits. When I think about the fact that I went back at 30 hours a week exclusively nursing, I realize I may have pushed myself too hard; I knew many moms that were fine with this schedule, but I was having a hard time. I was often working so late into the night that I was already awake for night feedings, and I even fell asleep a few times with plans spread across my lap and still in my work clothes.

Despite how I felt, I always thought that the working mom lifestyle would be my path. Having seen other mothers with even harder circumstances, I foolishly thought that “not working” was something I shouldn’t allow myself to do. I guess deep down I knew I wanted to be a SAHM, but I didn’t know much about SAHMs: what the job was like, what the lifestyle was like, how much it would impact us financially, and what would happen to my career.

Ultimately, after much reflection and prayer, I realized that I should not spend any more time invested in a job that I felt indifferent about, when I knew I could do an amazing job as a SAHM to my daughter. My husband and I sat down and went over our finances and concluded that things would be tight, really tight, but we would make it work. We decided to cut back on everything — no more eating at restaurants, no more vacations, no more spending money unless it was absolutely necessary. It has taken extreme diligence to live off of one income, but we continue to sacrifice material things for our lifestyle and we do feel blessed that so far we have been able to do so.

My perspective has changed on motherhood. I now look back at myself from three years ago, and think about the person I was before I was a mother. I was different, I thought differently, I viewed the world differently. I thought I would easily return to my career, but I know now that life is about every single day and how you fill up those days. I think it matters that you love what you are doing every single day, and I can honestly answer that I do. I couldn’t honestly tell you that I loved my job before. I still love the field of architecture, the design of a building, the creativity it takes to come up with an original concept for space, but now I practice that through teaching my daughters. We do projects together almost every day and I think and hope that I am instilling in them a love for art and creativity.

I don’t know if or when I will return to architecture, but I know design will always be in my life. I don’t know what the next chapter holds, but I know that I like this chapter and I’m happy, so I’ll relish it while I can.