Hellobee

I’m going to nice and honest here. Marriage is hard. I didn’t think so the first year; no, that year was pleasant, easy and fun! We were in love and could do and be anything. It was that bliss of the first year that propelled that first thought – “We are so happy! Let’s have a baby!” Just a few months after our first anniversary, I got pregnant. Even the weeks following my child’s birth day were ones of great closeness between my husband and I. We shared a strong love for this new baby and desire to be a wonderful family of three.

Six months, nine months, about a year passed and things started to change. I became more invested in my responsibilities as a mother that I began to neglect any wife duties. In what seemed like a short amount of time, we went from loving spouses to roomies that co-parent. There wasn’t necessarily anger or fighting — we weren’t resentful of each other and mostly oblivious to what was happening. Until I seemed to wake up one day and not feel like I loved my husband. Guilt swarmed my entire being and I frantically made a list of all the reasons why I should love my husband; what the heck was wrong with me?!  I started to feel very alone and scared. Being a mother seemed to have become my only identity. I didn’t love being a wife anymore. I wasn’t sure what to do; I felt confused.

Thinking there was a problem with me, I sought professional counseling for a couple months. These talk-therapy sessions unleashed a lot of pent-up resentment toward my husband that I wasn’t even aware that I had. I realized I had failed to forgive too many things, and they were eating away at me inside. I went through waves of anger, sadness, and hurt before feeling more guilt. But one thing became clear — my husband and I needed to talk and start seriously working on our marriage.

It’s been a painful process but one that I think is oh-so-familiar within many families, especially those like mine with young kids who take up so much time. It’s easy to not even realize how things change in the day to day, until months have gone by and you realized you haven’t kissed your spouse goodbye in the morning for the last four months. You haven’t held his hand in the car in six months. Little things that I never realized were occurring. Those small aspects of intimacy that excited our relationship had drifted away from us.

The first step seemed logical, be together. Talk. Carve out couple time. Be honest with each other. Apologize, Forgive. Not easy steps, but ones that needed to be taken nonetheless.

Although we were not opposed to couples therapy, the task of finding someone seemed daunting.

Instead we decided to attend an overnight marriage conference. Our child went to stay with some family and we got away together. It truly was a time of renewal. Without having the pressure of daily life tasks, we could focus on each other and what we wanted our marriage to look like. We spent time talking to the event speakers and gaining insight and wisdom from those more experienced at this whole marriage thing. The conference shared some valuable points that really helped us realize areas we needed to work on.

1. Punishing the past

It is important to keep the past in the past, and not withhold forgiveness. One area that many couples tend to struggle with is “keeping score” of past wrongs and using them against each other. Instead we are to honor our spouse, give grace and grow together. This was a big one for me; I hadn’t realized how many things I was holding against my spouse, that I wasn’t willing to forgive. It took a lot of effort to let those things go — things that happened many, many years ago that had hurt me, and my spouse hadn’t even known it was an issue to me. When we punish the past, we take away the opportunity for our spouse to apologize and we set ourselves up for the potential of bitterness.

2. Neglecting the Present

This is the area where the speakers touched on the topic of kids and how consuming they can truly be. They stated that kids come after the spouse, and it’s important for kids to know and see parents that value and cherish each other deeply. Not neglecting the present means being there – in the moment. Celebrating your spouse, investing in their present. One amazing analogy the speaker gave was that we don’t marry a priceless work of art – we marry a block of marble, and marriage is the front row seat to watching this block of marble transform into the masterpiece it was meant to be. Are we going to be the one that encourages this priceless transformation, or hinder it?

3. Trends in the culture

One trend that the speakers touched on was the idea of “consumer marriage” in the culture, meaning that marriage is a selfish institution. What’s in it for me? What do I get out of this? If you won’t do this for me/be this for me/change for me, then you don’t deserve me. Instead, in a marriage we are to be self-sacrificing in love, meeting the needs of our spouse, caring about their dreams, desires, and needs. When we get into the mindset of “my marriage is only about me” we give up the chance at happiness.  This isn’t to say we ought to adopt a martyr mentality, but instead to think of our spouse ahead of ourselves.

I remember reading one book many, many years ago that talked about the important of being a “student” of your spouse. The author kept a journal and would jot down even the most insignificant idiosyncrasies that his wife had. He would record when she mentioned something that was important to her, something she wanted or desired – and he used that knowledge to serve her.  Those things perpetuate a cycle of self-sacrificial love, honor and respect that encourage a marriage to flourish.

And of course you cannot attend a marriage conference without the topic of communication being covered. It was brief but the main points were to avoid these four things while communicating with your spouse:

1. escalating the conversation
2. invalidating your spouse
3. putting a negative spin on what is being said
4. withdrawing from the conversation

They summed it up by saying, “do the exact thing you do not want to do. Do you want to be right or do you want to be married?” It’s a matter of priorities.

We left the conference with a lot to consider and discuss. We spent several hours afterward alone so that we could decompress together and work things out. It was only a total of about 24 hours away from the daily grind, but it was exactly what we needed to jumpstart the road to recovery. I wouldn’t say we are 100% perfect, but we are investing more in each other. We have found a way to value our marriage and our relationship as parents in a way that complements the two.

Did you experience changes in your marriage after having a child? How do you find ways to invest in your marriage?