As Colin approaches his second birthday, the days blur together in a flurry of messes, play dates, tantrums and “eat, play, sleep” cycles. And although each day seems to blur into another sometimes, I remember those first few months of my parenthood journey so clearly:

An endorphin rush at his birth followed by a hormone crash and weeks upon weeks of sleep deprivation.  Navigating a whole new set of experiences and challenges, from the mysteries of infant sleep (“will he ever sleep?!”), to figuring out how to manage my time and get anything done with an infant who wants to be snuggled and/or fed 24/7.

Feeling overwhelmed with attention and feeling alone all at once. Trying to figure out how and where to meet other new moms (I was the first of my close friends to have kids), while also maintaining my friendships with my “pre-Colin” friends who didn’t always understand why I couldn’t return to my late-night partying ways now that I wasn’t pregnant, or why my plans revolved around a newly-developing nap schedule.

I remember signing up for classes and attending family events, hoping to meet other new moms in my shoes and feeling like I was a freshman frat guy, fumbling with pick up lines and struggling to work up the courage to ask for someone’s number.  Oftentimes, I would meet someone fabulous, only to find out that her family was house hunting in the ‘burbs or moving back to their hometown to be closer to family.  I found myself wishing that we could move closer to our out-of-state family and have a built-in village, even though I knew it just wasn’t (and isn’t) in the cards for us.

I wasn’t content with finding “warm bodies” who could fill the void that I wouldn’t have ever been friends with in my pre-Colin life. I wanted the real deal – people who I could connect once conversation ventured away from best practices for handling a blow-out in a public place.

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Finally, after what seemed like months (heck, itwas months), I found a few moms I connected with.  I met a couple of sweet women chatting after a pre and post-natal yoga class, and through them, I met a couple more.  We started a Tuesday afternoon playgroup, meeting weekly (or more) with our little ones at playgroup, which I soon understood was an event designed by parents to spend time with one another under the disguise of “socialization for the kiddos.” Slowly, these “mom friend” relationships developed into real friendships. Superficial discussions about introducing solids, nap schedules and teething turned to solid friendships, built on trust and camaraderie and all sorts of conversation topics beyond just baby.


Colin, literally dragging his best buddy E into our village

What I also realized though, is that when you look at a village, it’s not a group of best friends, but a cast of all sorts of characters – familiar faces, acquaintances, friends, local employees and more. While I am lucky to have found several close friends in my quest for a village, I have also broadened my network in the search process.

I joined another playgroup that is a bit more socialization focused, and while the moms haven’t necessarily become my “besties,” we enjoy our time together, do a girls’ night every couple months and are there for each other for back-up child care or a swap when emergencies come up.  I joined several local Facebook groups for moms that are amazing troves of knowledge from more experienced moms and a wonderful place to crowd-source for advice. I’ve become friendly with the other parents and caregivers in our music and gymnastics classes, to laugh together when our kids are silly (or share eye rolls when dealing with yet another meltdown). Together we watch our kids learn and grow, and enjoying it together makes the parenting experience a little less lonely. And as I have written about before, I have accepted that a critical part of my village is hired help.  Without local family in the picture, having a deep bench of babysitters is important to develop as well.

Building my village was (and still is) a slow and evolving process.  It’s not like there is a magical place to show up and be introduced to people who are in the same stage of new parenthood as you…not that we don’t all wish there was.  It takes work.  It is awkward. It is hard. But for me, getting past the awkward, the challenge, and the “hard” was a tough journey and well worth the investment of time.

How did you build your village?  Have you found your “mom friends”?