I’m sure when you hear the term “surprise” or “oops” baby, you start to feel a little… suspicious. At least I know I always do, even after having two surprises of my own. I mean, was the person not on birth control? Did they take something that went against their birth control or not know how to take it? Were they using the ‘pull and pray’ method?

But there is a small percentage of us moms who truly didn’t know, for whatever reason, that they were pregnant, or why their preferred method of birth control failed. So I thought I might backtrack and tell you about my two pregnancies, starting with Patrick.

I’d been on the pill since my sophomore year of high school when I was admitted into the ER for an ovarian cyst, but even on the pill my periods were never very consistent. When I ‘lost’ my period for a good chunk of the summer in 2010, I worried I might be pregnant but I chalked it up the stress in my life at the time. When my period disappeared again during the summer of 2011, I admit I didn’t really think much of it. That summer I was taking a full course of classes at the university plus working two on-campus jobs, and trying to plan my upcoming wedding! Life was the epitome of stress. But when I suddenly had a stomach bug for a week in June, I began to wonder if I could possibly be pregnant. I went to a walk-in clinic and when they asked if I was pregnant, I told them that I didn’t think so. They didn’t bother to do a urine test because there were a lot of people coming in with similar stomach bugs and they just chalked it up to that. They prescribed me an anti-nausea pill, sent me home and told me to wait it out. So I did and returned to work and class a week later.

My period didn’t return in July, but I did begin experiencing abdominal pain for a few days which were worrisome. After discussing everything, Mr. Bear and I decided it could probably be one of three things. I was either A) pregnant like I feared, B) experiencing another ovarian cyst and that’s why my period was wonky, or C) something else completely different. I actually hoped for B or C and held off scheduling a doctor’s appointment because I knew that in a few weeks I would be going for my yearly physical anyway. But when the pain flared up a few times, Mr. Bear and I decided to at least rule out one of the possibilities by taking a home pregnancy test. Note to self: Don’t buy a cheap one that just shows you two lines otherwise you might have to consult a crystal ball and a voodoo man before you get an answer.

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So we took the home pregnancy test and waited. In this moment I loved my soon-to-be husband even more because he not only understood how much of an emotional wreck I was, but he also didn’t try to wish away the reality of the situation by telling me pleasant untruths. He did his best to distract me and when the time came, he was the first one who saw the test. Of course Mr. Bear couldn’t make heads or tails of it, so he called me into the bathroom and we looked at it together. We looked, re-read the instructions, then consulted the Almighty Google for clarification. We decided it looked like it was a positive pregnancy test but instead of freaking out that night, we would retake the test in the morning. Morning came and the results were the same. We were quite probably pregnant.

Again, this was one of those times where I really looked at Mr. Bear and just knew that I had made the right choice. He kept reminding me of one very important thing – it could be much worse. After all we were already planning on getting married that October. We’d been together for several years, had seen the best and worst of each other, been through practically every up and down to test our relationship. This was just another test. And we knew someday we wanted to have kids — it just looked like we were going to start having them sooner than we had anticipated.

Mid-August I went to my yearly physical hoping against hope that this was all a fluke. I explained my symptoms to the doctor – the cramping, the pains, etc. – and he told me he thought it was just gastrointestinal, but to be safe he had me pee in a cup and felt along my abdomen, which was soft. The pregnancy test came back positive but he still wasn’t convinced so he went ahead and ordered an ultrasound. The reason he listed for ordering an ultrasound was gastrointestinal problems. Off I went to the imaging center, where the first question out of the technician’s mouth after I was under the ultrasound wand was,”Did you know you were pregnant?”

I think my look of dismay said it all, but I silently shook my head anyway. Yes, I had known, but knowing for sure was worse than strongly suspecting. The tears were instant and the technician handed me some tissues before turning her attention back to her job. I did my best to ignore the black-and-white alien images flashing on her monitor by turning my face away, but I couldn’t get away from her words, from the knowledge.

The technician did her job, quietly and efficiently. When they were done, she handed me a towel and was about to leave me alone to clean up when I finally found the courage to ask, “How far along am I?”

“I’ll have to check with the doctor, but about fifteen weeks.”

“Don’t I get some pictures?”

This elicited a rather shocked expression on her face, but she turned back to the monitor and quickly printed off three of the best pictures of the alien growing in my womb (to me, it was an invasion, unknown, unreal, and unwanted). I took my pictures and went to my car – and just sat there. Cars were moving on the road in front of me, the sun was still shining, the day was still beautiful, and all I could feel was how wrong it all seemed. My world felt like it had ended – why was everyone else going about their normal lives? I called Mr. Bear and told him the news and he was, as always, quietly supportive and calm. We would get through this, he said. And we did.

I didn’t go to any prenatal checkups until September, after we had announced the pregnancy to our families (who were surprised but very supportive and loving). We decided to keep our surprise baby a surprise and officially joined Team Green. We had our wedding as planned with just a few adjustments, like my mother letting out my dress (which wasn’t hard to do since she had made it for me to begin with) and no alcohol being served. Everything was going to be just fine. If my life were a movie, television series, or a fairytale this is where everything should have fallen into place and I should have been in seventh heaven awaiting my wiggling bundle of joy. But I wasn’t anywhere near that state. I wasn’t even in the same country as that state of bliss and joy. Not even the same continent.

To Be Continued…