“I Miss the Village” by Bunmi Laditan (of The Honest Toddler fame) sent my social media channels aflutter last week. It’s a beautifully written essay, and it struck a few nerves for me because I could relate, having grown up in the kind of village Laditan describes, and because creating a “village” for Baby Carrot has been one of my biggest desires and struggles.
I grew up in a small community outside Moscow in Russia. We all lived in apartments – houses were unheard of in Russia – and spent the bulk of our childhoods outside, running around together. I grew up in a small community that sprung up around a military base and everyone in the community worked for the base or around the base or commuted to Moscow on the same bus and train, so the village was both literal and figurative. Everyone knew each other just by virtue of going to the same grocery store, and my mom was a kindergarten teacher in the only nearby school so everyone knew her because their kids were likely in her class, or were cared for by her at some point. In our village, my friends’ parents disciplined me the same way my parents disciplined them. Our doors were never locked, our skinned knees were mended by whoever was the first to hear us cry.
One of the biggest voids I felt coming to the U.S. as a near teenager was losing that feeling of community. Although we made friendships and some family settled nearby, it was never quite the same as the village we came from. My parents were too busy working 12 hour days, 6 days a week, just to make ends meet; my brother and I grew distant as we got older and made our own friends and took on our own lives, and our friendships were arranged through movie nights or hanging out at the local Dairy Queen on summer nights. Even though we lived in a relatively small suburb in New Jersey, and there were definitely areas in our town where that village feel was alive and well, we never quite connected the same way, perhaps being too late in joining the community to really feel like an integral part of it.
One of my biggest desires and worries before having kids was figuring out how to build this village. I realize that the view Laditan has, and the life I lived in Russia is not that realistic these days and Baby Carrot will likely never grow up in the kind of village I did – the rules and circumstances were just different – but the idea of an extended family is an important one to me, especially because we’re fairly isolated from ours. Mr. Carrot and I moved four hours away from our parents for work opportunities over a decade ago, so Baby Carrot only has one of her uncles as her immediate family nearby. We are among the first and few in our circle of friends to have kids – many of those friendships have either faded or have gotten relegated to occasional days out for either Mr. Carrot or me. Since Baby Carrot isn’t school age yet, and Mr. Carrot and I are both at work full-time, we haven’t come across too many opportunities to meet other parents, and where we have, schedules always seem to get in the way of forging that time to develop that closeness. It seems that friendships are harder in general, these days, though I often think that may just be a lack of earnest trying.
My biggest wish as she gets older and more aware of her surroundings, is that Baby Carrot has a village to turn to, and I realize that it’s up to me to create that for her. As a result, I’ve had to step outside my usually reserved nature. I’ve gotten pretty good at introducing myself to fellow moms at Baby Carrot’s occasional music and swim classes, and we’ve made a few friends this way already. This spring or summer, once Baby Carrot gets closer to 2, we hope to move her to a school-like environment from her current in-home daycare, which will hopefully yield some new connections. And there are definitely opportunities to make connections – in our area, especially, there are tons of playgroups, mom groups sorted by location, age, interest, etc. I haven’t been as proactive with these as I could be, but the resources are definitely out there, and now that we’re in the second year, and I’m getting on more solid footing as a first time parent, my hope and goal is to find ways to be more socially active so that Baby Carrot always feels like she has a big family, even if her biological one is a bit far away.
Do you have a “village” ? Tips on how to work on building one?
hostess / wonderful persimmon / 25556 posts
What an amazing way to grow up!! I think you’re lucky to have experienced that! I grew up in the US and now have a daughter. It is already much different than it was just 35 years ago when I was growing up. My mom used to be able to count on any number of our neighbors to watch us at any time. I would feel awkward asking any of our neighbors to watch M. People just aren’t that open anymore, unfortunately.
We don’t have a village and probably never will considering we’re both people who keep to ourselves and we have no family nearby. I love the idea of it, though!
wonderful olive / 19353 posts
Like you, we live far from family. Mine are 3.5 hours away and my in laws are 1.5 hours away. Even though my in laws are “close”, they run a business 7 days a week, as so do we so visiting them isn’t often. Our village contains of our closest friends; and their family. I know I can call on any of them at any time and they’d watch/care for DS in a heartbeat. No questions asked. I’m so, so fortunate to have such great friends. One of their family is like our extended family. We get invited over for outings and dinner all the time. A true home away from “home”.
pomegranate / 3779 posts
Like you, my husband grew up with that sort of village in Colombia, and it’s still there when we visit his family, but unfortunately it is not the reality of where we live. I grew up in a small town where most people knew me and referred to me as “one of P.H.’s grandkids” so we had some of that village dynamic as well, but now my parents are 2 hours away, and while my sisters are relatively close (30 min), we all have our own lives and families and only see each other 1-2 times per month.
I try to build and maintain a village for our family by participating in a local moms group and by being a friendly neighbor. We live on a cul-de-sac with 16 houses and I try to drop by and welcome any new family that moves in, as well as host a pot-luck block party each year. We also started a facebook group for neighborhood families to join and connect – we schedule occassional playdates or post that we are headed to the park this afternoon if anyone wants to join.
The biggest thing that I had to overcome was my fear of rejection when I reached out. Things always come up with kids, so I can’t take it personally when people can’t make a playdate or cancel on me. I try to reach out a few times and if it never works out, oh well, we’ll move on.
blogger / pomegranate / 3491 posts
I grew up with all of my family within 5 miles of my house and my mom’s BFFs since childhood acting like an extended village, so even without the old-world version, we still had quite the village. Now, my babysitters are the most important part of my “village” since my family is far away and I am not comfortable always asking friends for favors/help with C. Hope your village comes together with time
blogger / nectarine / 2600 posts
I love your story of your childhood and the original article piece. I never had that village, my family immigrated here for college and while I have a large extended family they are scattered over the US and in our home country. I grew up as an only child to 2 working parents and the life you described is the one I wish I could have had as a child and for my own children. We are lucky as my husbands family and my mom are all close (within half an hour or so) but its still nothing compared I think to living in a small tight knit community doors away from one another.
blogger / pear / 1563 posts
I feel like growing up our church was our “village.” I hope we’re able to create the same kind of community for Little P, but it’s HARD! Especially in a big-ish city where all your closest friends aren’t in walking distance. That would be the benefit of a smaller town for sure!
GOLD / grapefruit / 4555 posts
We had the village feel when we were living in a small town in West Tennessee but when we moved to middle TN when I was a pre-teen, we lost that. It was hard to build that village for many of the reasons you listed – my parents were always busy working, my older siblings were just that, older, so their friends and my friends never intersected. When I got married, I felt even more disconnected from that village feel and when we started having children, I lamented the loss. But then we moved and while the town we’ve moved to isn’t like the one I grew up in, it still feels like that small town. We know our neighbors on our street, we can walk to the local library and meet families that way. Slowly we’re building that village and making a place in this community but it’s rough.