How you feed your baby is one of the most talked about, most challenging and most guilt-laden topics of new parenthood. Framed often as a choice, “breast vs bottle,” “mother’s milk vs formula,” it seems many of us find it to be far more complicated.

My baby feeding status: full time pumper. When your baby won’t nurse but “breast is best” haunts your every waking moment, this is what I ended up doing. Exclusive pumping doesn’t seem to be a common topic; I struggled to find stories and information from others in similar circumstances, so I think it’s an important part of my motherhood experience to share.

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H O W  &  W H Y  I  G A V E  U P  N U R S I N G

At Roman’s first pediatrician appointment, his second day home from the hospital because he was a coombs baby, he had lost about a pound and we were instructed to start supplementing with formula to make sure he was being nourished. My milk was in, but he wasn’t getting any and I was unknowingly engorged. We made a stop at the Breastfeeding Center and I picked up a Medela hand pump so we could feed him little breast milk bottles. We had a lactation consultant from the center come to the house, and after two hours of observing Roman’s struggles, she recommended we rent a hospital grade pump and bottle feed him breast milk, with the hopes that when he was a little bigger and more mature he would have better luck nursing. We were encouraged to keep trying.

Roman’s problem wasn’t latching per se, or any of the typical problems I had read about. He was three weeks early so we thought maybe that was a part of it. He would flail and cry through entire feedings; it took four hands to nurse him. My husband would help hold him on to me, while I positioned his head and worked my nipple towards his mouth. He would latch, and then pull away after a few sucks. He showed the same over zealous behavior on the bottle, but it was still the easier way to get him fed. I eventually got used to the routine of pumping and more comfortable with feeding him the bottle. I continued to make periodic attempts at nursing, but it was always the same and I just didn’t see the point in putting him through that torture. Since then, I have observed so many women breastfeeding peacefully while their little babies just laid there suckling, and each time I feel more sure of my decision; Roman’s behavior was just not normal.

M Y  P U M P I N G  E X P E R I E N C E 

After 6 weeks I got my free insurance pump and have used that successfully ever since. I was very fortunate as far as my supply. Pumping did not cause any delay or reduction in my milk production. I pumped fresh milk for Roman every two to three hours at the beginning, including a middle of the night pump. Eventually I was down to four to five 10 minute pumping sessions a day — whatever it took to make sure there was always a fresh bottle ready. I managed to make a small amount of frozen reserve for emergency use, but Roman devoured most of what I pumped each day. He seemed to be on a constant growth spurt, “cluster feeding” all day long, eating over three times what was said to be normal.

As an infant he cried nonstop if he was not being held and bounced, and woke up as soon as he was laid down, which made pumping so frequently quite challenging. I began to resent the common advice to “sleep when the baby sleeps.” I had a hard enough time keeping the bottles and pump pieces clean and making enough milk; naps were impossible! Eventually as he got older, this all got easier. I liked the control it provided, I could enjoy a glass of wine if there was enough milk pumped, without worrying that he would decide to feed before the necessary two hours. My husband was just as capable of feeding him his bottle as I was, so if I was desperately exhausted in the middle of the night he could take a turn.

H O W  I T  C A M E  T O  A N  E N D

After a breast engorgement disaster on our way home from a trip to Puerto Rico slightly traumatized my supply when Roman was 8 months old, I transitioned to three pump sessions a day and began supplementing one or two bottles a day with formula. Weaning down to three sessions made “full time pumping” much easier. I had considered weaning off completely before summer, Roman turned one in July, and with the increased amount of real food in his diet it felt like an okay time to cut off the breast milk. The inconvenience of having to pump, becoming engorged when you’re trying to enjoy a day out, etc. was something I hoped to avoid. I was surprised at how much less of an inconvenience it had already become with three instead of four pumps a day. I became much less engorged and started occasionally missing the afternoon pump session, further depleting my supply.

Pumping twice a day felt so easy that I planned on continuing that until at least his first birthday. Then there were a few random days where I missed my morning pump and accidentally weaned myself down to pumping once a day, until my supply was so low that I weaned completely by Roman’s 10th month. It happened so gradually and easily (with the exception of that accidental day that set off the whole thing.) I kept waiting for some sort of painful “drying up,” but it never happened. Unfortunately it also happened in part against my will. I eventually realized that the milk depletion was most likely somewhat due to becoming pregnant. While I was pleased with the my new freedom, fully appreciating all I went through once it was over, I felt a little sad. Sad that I didn’t make it for the full first year. Sad that we were no longer connected in that way. It was so amazing to look at him before we introduced solids or started supplementing, and know that all of that, every inch of his chubby baby body came from me.

.  .  .  .  .

When I was expecting, people asked my baby feeding plans, and I claimed with confidence that I would breastfeed, providing milk until his first birthday because I would be staying home and therefore did not foresee any real hurdles. I was warned it could be a challenge, but armed with the breastfeeding advocates’ inspiration and information I felt prepared to struggle through and make it work. The more I talk to moms now, the more I learn about what we all go through to keep our growing babes satisfied and well nourished. Some women breastfeed with ease and find pumping to be the greatest annoyance, some struggle with terrible pain from nursing, some babies won’t latch, some women don’t have the necessary support, many supplement at some point for some reason, many who breastfeed use breast and bottle, most wean off before the first year for some reason or another, and many struggle with the hormonal transition of weaning.

For the longest time I felt guilty for failing (as I saw it) to nurse my baby. I supported everyone’s “normalize it” breastfeeding selfies with a tad bit of envy, left out of conversations about breastfeeding in public and that beautiful bond. Now I look back and feel sort of proud for struggling through the incredible challenge of pumping full time while home with a baby who refused to be put down even while sleeping. I had the best breastfeeding resources available to me, excellent support, personal enthusiasm and the guilt drive, and yet it still didn’t work out the way we’re told it should… and that was okay. It was a rewarding experience… and I am (mostly) glad it is over!

I’m always so curious about other women’s milk producing experiences, please do share! And if anyone finds themselves in a similar position and has any questions, please do ask!