I remember when I first joined HB back in the beta days, I discovered that one of the TTC options was “The Baby Factory is Closed.”I thought that was so funny at the time, as I puttered around the house with a newborn and couldn’t imagine closing my factory. Mr T always wanted a large family (5+ kids, for his own soccer team), while I wanted “at least 2.”

After K was born we were in no big rush to have a 2nd, and I distinctly remember feeling NOT ready to have another when he turned one in September. Something flipped by the end of that year – maybe it was weaning, which got K actually sleeping through the reliably night for the first time in his life (hallelujah!). Maybe it was when he started walking and saying some words, generally becoming more “toddler” and less “baby.” Whatever it was, I got a bad case of baby fever, and after getting Mr T on board, we pulled the goalie in the beginning of the new year.

K at 16 m, in the height of my baby fever

We actually got pregnant on my first cycle off BC, to our surprise and joy! Baby (D) was going to be born when K was 26 months, pretty perfect timing when our goal was 2-3 years apart. Of course, things never go to plan, and D was born very early and in such an emergency. All the normal parts of life stopped for us for a long time, and we’ve finally found a new normal now and gotten into our family groove.

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Since D and K’s birthdays are only a few days apart, it’s easy for me to remember how I felt at certain seasons (translating to certain ages for the boys). As this year approaches the end, I keep thinking back to how badly I wanted to get pregnant just two years ago. D is a bit behind K milestone wise – isn’t walking, talking, or starting to eat with utensils yet – definitely due to being a preemie and then all his setbacks. Maybe because he’s still crawling and being spoon fed, he still feels like my (giant) baby, and I absolutely can’t fathom having another.

After my water broke with D and I was in triage, I remember telling Mr T and my OB that I was done having kids and this would be it; it was too scary. They both cautioned me against making rash decisions in the heat of the moment, which was good advice! I reiterated this conviction when I went in for my 6 week postpartum checkup, but again I was told to wait it out; D was still in the NICU, etc. Even so, my feelings haven’t changed – I am done, done, done-ity done. I can’t imagine being pregnant again and fearing that something out of my control could go wrong, or that my water would break even earlier (as my body seems to do) and baby would be in even more danger. I joke that having a 3rd boy would drive me insane – 4 vs. 1 in the house!

Beyond just my fears about pregnancy and preemies, I know D’s special needs impact our decision as well. His medical situation is much less dire than we initially imagined, but he’s still far from outgrowing his issues. I wonder if we would feel differently if D was our first, but it’s impossible to say. Mr. T now has more realistic expectations about all the time, energy, and money that our lovely children absorb, and he’s absolutely on board with closing up the factory (and recruiting neighborhood kids to his soccer team). We are blessed to have many nieces (but just one nephew!) in our life, and at some point our friends will start having kids to dote on. K & D have each other, which was important to us, and we’re excited to see their relationship as brothers grow.

I try to treasure those cuddly moments now since I know that their desire for getting physical comfort from me is likely to only get weaker with time. Sometimes D still wants to be rocked to sleep, and even K is still very clingy and affectionate when he’s exhausted or not feeling well. Part of me wants them to hurry up and become a mini-adults who can help with their basic needs, and part (a little tiny part, like the grinch’s heart!) is sad that the squishy newborn phase is over for good for our family. I’m happy that I’m not fighting against baby fever (or against a reluctant Mr T!), and I’m really at peace with our plans. 

 
Pretty sure D was eating grass in this picture… oh well!

Mr. T and I aren’t interested in permanent birth control, so my plan is to just continue with my Mirena indefinitely. I hoarded hand-me-downs when pregnant with K, and am now selling and giving D’s stuff away by the box-full. We donated his preemie clothes and bouncer to the NICU (since they were always short on them, especially in “boy” colors!) and will drop off his musical mobile and aquarium as soon as he outgrows them. I still need to go through and sell or donate my remaining maternity and nursing clothes and random other baby equipment (bath seat, bottles, toys). I really hope that I’m not tempting fate to throw us a curve ball, but I want this stuff out of my house!

Is your family complete? Did your idea of completeness change after you had kid(s)?