I am 39 weeks and change.  A time when nearly any pregnant woman is oh so ready to get the show on the road already. Rather than just what I imagine is the typical discomfort and anxiousness, I feel the added stress of a ticking clock because I’m hoping to do a trial of labor after cesarean (TOLAC). Maybe what I feel is normal 39-week stress; I wouldn’t know as I have never been this pregnant before.

A little back story for those of you who weren’t around for my first pregnancy. I am lucky to be the mama of two delightfully mischievous twin boys. They were mono-di twins–meaning they shared a placenta but had separate amniotic sacs. Because of this, we always knew that I would not be permitted to go beyond 36 weeks. Baby A was breech, which would typically be an automatic c-section, but my MFM was experienced in breech delivery and gave me the option of a c-section or a induction (but would only use Pitocin, no Cervadil, etc.). After much thought and research, we opted to attempt the induction though we knew that it was fairly likely to end in a c-section. At the time I was slightly effaced but not dilated at all. After 10 hours of Pitocin, I was not dilated at all–not even a single centimeter. My medical team, Mr. Blue, and I decided it was time to proceed with a c-section. I have no regrets about that decision. There was evidence after their birth that one twin had stopped getting sufficient nutrition from the placenta, and I’m very thankful for my surgery that produced two healthy babies who only needed short NICU stays.

E & F birthMeeting my Elliot and Finn for the first time.  A quick kiss for both and then off to the NICU!

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I never wanted a VBAC because I needed healing from a traumatic delivery or felt that my c-section wasn’t necessary, like many VBAC birth stories discuss. Instead, I wanted one because I felt deep within me that I could do this, that my body could carry and vaginally deliver a healthy baby. I can’t really explain it, but I feel a compulsive need to at least try for a VBAC. Maybe it’s the belief that my body was made to be able to do this; maybe it’s a left over fear of not getting the “normal” experience, i.e. him going to the NICU or having other problems like his brother; maybe it’s my worry about how his brothers will transition if I can pick them up or let them sit on my lap. Whatever its root is, I can only tell you I have a deep desire for this to work. I’m very aware that I may end up needing a c-section for medical complications, and if so, I will happily comply with that.

So here I sit, knowing they only want me to go to 41 weeks before having a repeat c-section. Induction isn’t an option for the most part. Drugs like Cervadil and Cytotec significantly  increase the risk of uterine rupture, so the only things my doctor will do is augment my labor with very conservative doses of Pitocin if labor stalls, or break my water if I’m at least 2-3 cm dilated to try to get labor started. Basically, my body has to be well on its way or in active labor already for me to have a shot. Oh, and it has to do that in the next week and a half or it’s a date with the OR for me.

The fear I can’t shake is that my body just doesn’t do this, that it just doesn’t dilate. I tell myself over and over that being induced at 36 weeks and failing to dilate isn’t the same as going into natural labor when you are term. I tell myself that eventually this baby WILL come out. But that brings me back to my old friend the calendar, and with each day that is crossed off, I’m one day closer to having to have a repeat c-section. Yes, I know eventually my body would go into labor, but what if I am one of those oh-so-lucky ladies who just always carries past 41 weeks? If that’s the case, I run out of time, and I’m not comfortable refusing a c-section against my doctor’s advice.

39.3 with #339 weeks with Baby Boy #3

At 37.5 weeks, I was 60% effaced and starting to soften, but only had a “dimple” in my cervix. I was actually pretty hopeful at that point. It sounded like a decent amount of progress to me at 37 weeks. After a horrendous week full of multiple rounds of contractions that would last about 2 hours and then disappear, I was really hopeful to have made some decent progress at my next appointment (2 days shy of 39 weeks). Wah wah wah. No progress. Nada. Nothing. Still 60% effaced and only a “dimple” in my cervix. I felt so defeated. My OB gave me three options as I cried in the exam room: (1) schedule a c-section anytime the following week; (2) give it another week and see if I’ve made any progress at my 40-week appointment and then decide what to do; or (3) commit to going 41 weeks, and if my cervix is still the same then have the repeat c-section at that time. He told me this is always the hardest time for people hoping to have a VBAC because you know you can say the word and end the wait and pregnancy misery, and you don’t know if waiting will get you the result for which you’re hoping.

I told him I knew I wanted to go to at least my due date, and we would think about what to so from there. So many Hellobee-ers encouraged me in a thread I posted that you can go from nothing to baby very quickly and to not give up. It was so encouraging and helped me decide I wanted to give myself the full 41 weeks, if necessary.

Even though I was so encouraged by that, every day that I don’t go into labor, I battle the stress of the calendar and question if my body will ever go into labor in the time frame I have been allotted. I am really trying to remind myself to trust my body and this baby to know when it’s the right time and stay positive in general. It’s easier said than done so far.

Now, it’s time for me to go on my merry way to continue trying every wives’ tale ever told in hopes that something will make my body and this baby get things going in the next 10 days. I’ll definitely be disappointed if I don’t get to at least try for a VBAC, but at the end of the day, I want my sweet baby boy happy and healthy in my arms. I can come to terms with the alternative, but it sure would be cool if he’d do his mama a favor and come on his own!

Send me some labor vibes & any encouraging stories you can spare!