I think it was around when I was just about to hit the third trimester with M that I started to get nervous about actually giving birth. The closer it loomed, the more frantic I felt, because somehow, some way, I was going to have to get this baby out of me.

This time I thought, given that this is my second pregnancy that will hopefully lead to giving birth, that I’d be able to have more of a been-there done-that attitude, but bam! Hitting the third trimester, and there’s that anxiety. And now it’s not just birthing anxiety, it’s VBAC anxiety.

The doctor who will be delivering this baby asked me at an appointment if I wanted to try a VBAC or schedule a repeat cesarean. Because my first cesarean had everything to do with baby positioning and nothing else, my instinct was to trial a VBAC, but I made it clear that I have absolutely zero interest in labouring for as long as I did last time, leaving myself so exhausted heading into recovery, and newbornhood. The doctor agreed and said if things started to go sideways we could go ahead to the OR, which was fine by me.

But in the weeks since then, that anxiety has crept in. It really started when I saw a collection of birthing photos, which were supposed to be beautiful and empowering (all my mom friends thought so) — my reaction was oh sh*t I have to do this again, don’t I. And this time, the vaginal birth photos with all of the blood and the umbilical cords and the looks of horrendous pain freaked me out way more than the cesarean photos with the sterile lighting and the hairnets and the blue sheet.

BabyMBirth2

ADVERTISEMENT

My  anxiety tends toward the not so brave philosophy of stick with the scary thing you know. I was terrified of both pushing, and a cesarean last time; I ended up with the c-section and thus had no experience with things like pushing and cord cutting and goopy babies and shredded lady parts. Instead my kid came to me wiped down and already pink, and the OR team cleaned me up, too. And yeah — I have a scar now, and I was terrified of my incision for a long time, and it hurt to walk and breathe, but at least I know about that stuff.

So here’s me, like, I need to sort this out. I want to try a vaginal birth. There’s no reason for me to not try a vaginal birth save for my own brain. But the thought of just rolling my way into the OR and having it all done and easy — I can see why people choose it. And a tiny part of me is thinking, I hope my baby is breech or something and the doctors make the decision for me which I realize is a terrible line of thought. I know that a lot of the success of a VBAC has to do with belief in oneself, attitude, and so on. So I need to commit, as scary as it is and as much as I wish I could just have some kind of magical machine that teleports my baby into my arms without having to do anything.

Last time, I fought against myself for a long time, and I think it contributed to the disaster that was my labour. This time I am trying to go in committed to trying a VBAC, but also accepting that plans can change and I don’t need to be a martyr and epidurals are a good thing for some people and I might be one of those people.

I still have time on my side (knock on wood), so I’m hoping that I can sit down and do some focused mental work on sorting this out. In the end, if I bring home a baby I’ll be happy, but I’d like to know that I’ve made the best decisions for myself and for that baby along the way, too.