I like to think of myself as a feminist and a pretty progressive person in general. I try to give my boys lots of options, and have always tried to avoid steering them one way or the other based on their gender. They have a toy kitchen and a dollhouse that they love, even though Mr. T insists on calling it a “playhouse” with “people” instead of dolls. K’s favorite color has always been purple –  it was the first color he could identify, starting from younger than 1yo! Anything that he colors at school always comes home completely purple. We were in Target the other day when he spotted these shoes and got so excited and demanded that we get them for him.

I said something I’ve always said I never would — “K, those are for girls!”

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From Target

It took him aback. My teenage SIL has said that to him before when he’s wanted to enter the “girls’ toys” section of stores, but I’ve always corrected her saying that toys are for everyone.

Oddly enough, after a moment to process, K accepted my response. What broke my heart was that the for the rest of the Target run he would continually ask me if X was for boys or girls – X being toys, food, appliances, blankets… I tried to say that X was for everyone, boys and girls, but he would press me for a specific answer. It’s almost like he suddenly discovered that boys and girls don’t (or can’t? or shouldn’t?) like the same things.

Thinking back on that moment, I know I should have treated those shoes just like every other random thing he asks for while we’re out and about, with a simple, “K, we don’t need that!” That moment has stuck in my mind, while I hope K has already forgotten it forever.

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Why am I ok with him playing with stereotypically “girl” toys, but not wearing clothes aimed at girls? Why is it easy for me to brush off comments from parents at playdates on our sons playing with girl toys, but not being able to fathom sending him to preschool in those shoes? I know Mr. T would never let him out of the house wearing them, but why do I care? Of course the most obvious excuse is that I don’t want him to get teased, but is that a good enough reason to impose these unwritten rules about gender performance so early in his life? I also know the only reason he likes those shoes is because of the overwhelming purple-ness, and he’s oblivious to the girly sequins, bow, and Sofia the First character. An equally pressing question – why are pink and purple so heavily marketed towards girls, with pink and bows and glitter on almost everything? K has a handful of outfits that are predominately purple or at least have purple in them, and he wears them again and again. I was able to get away with getting him dark blue Natives last summer and plan to do the same this summer. I’ve been on the hunt for more boy-appropriate purple gear to try to make up for it, but I still feel bad.

purpleK’s current small but growing purple collection and the things I’m considering adding..

purple2Umbro Tee  |  Old Navy Plaid Shirt  |  Polo Shirt  |  Converse  | Old Navy Flip Flops  | Native Jeffersons

Obviously I’m trying to find the most “manly” purple things possible to make it easier for all of us to deal with K’s preference. I wish I was brave enough to let him choose whatever shoes he wanted! It’s easy to talk the talk about not imposing these silly cultural biases on children, but I’m finding it hard to walk the walk. I hope that as K grows, and the preferences he tells us about grow in importance, I can learn to better accept who he is and what he wants. I want to be as encouraging as possible –  Mrs. Train’s post about her Frozen party for her boys comes to mind!

Does your child have preferences that go against the grain, whether for gender or something else? How do you deal with it? Where do you draw the acceptability line, and do you feel like it’s in the right place?