The other day when the weather was gorgeous, I took K & D to the playground. K has always been very shy and cautious, but even just this spring has started being more adventurous on the playground – or at least, he’s more willing to try to climb new play structures! I mostly follow D around (since he’s the fearless, crazy one who will wander off tall structures) and try to keep an eye on K. There were several other kids at this reasonably small playground, including a group of young elementary school-aged kids.
I’m not exactly sure why he appeared to be such an easy target, but one of them decided to pick on K.
It started with one boy noticing that K was mostly playing by himself, and he called out to his friends to look at this boy who didn’t know what to do and was just wandering around. The other kids laughed some and then they went on their way running. I thought to myself, wow, what a strange and unkind comment to make! A few minutes later, K was playing with D and talking in a baby voice to him. I think this is a pretty standard thing for young kids to do – he’s certainly not making fun of D, but thinks it’s fun to babble or talk in a higher pitched voice to mimic him. The group of boys heard this, and the same one started laughing and mocking exasperation saying how annoying that voice was and how much he hated it. He then started repeating and mocking almost everything K said, as the rest of the boys laughed.
Thankfully, K was totally oblivious to this entire progression. He’s young enough not to really be affected by peer pressure, or not interested enough in random older kids to pay attention to what they’re doing when he’s having fun on his own or with D. I’m not sure if he didn’t hear them, or maybe he did hear them but didn’t understand that they were talking/laughing about him, or maybe he did but just didn’t care.
On the other hand, it made me so, so upset! I honestly had NO idea how to react. I ultimately decided not to say anything since I didn’t want to bring it to K’s attention. I also generally have the philosophy that kids should work things out on their own as much as possible (although I’m always reminding K & D to share), but man, that philosophy can be hard in practice! That same day a preschool aged girl was very interested in D (“Look at the baby! Come here baby!”) and referred to K as a baby as well, which he vehemently denied, and he actually got her to apologize for calling him that. I thought that was a good example of him standing up for himself when he felt he had been insulted, and almost reassured me that letting him choose and fight his battles was the right choice.
Ultimately I still don’t know what the right course of action would have been. I told Mr T what happened later and he strongly felt that I should have said something and/or left the playground. Clearly if K had heard them or acknowledged what they were saying, my primary focus would be on him. I would have tried to help him understand that the other behavior was unkind and unwarranted and that he should try to ignore it, perhaps via something like “stick and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me!” Given the situation we were in, where he was oblivious and I didn’t have to tend to his emotions, I just can’t imagine what I could have said to those boys that they wouldn’t just brush off immediately.
I do know that if K was their age and being cruel to a child on the playground when I wasn’t around, I would absolutely want the other parent to ask him to stop. But just because I would feel that way, doesn’t mean that these boys’ parents would feel the same! There was no parent or babysitter running around with them for me to shoot a look at, or to ask to help address it.
This also makes me worry more for the future, for D. K is a typically developing kid who’s generally average size and of average abilities, and this still happened. What hope does D have when he may be running around with his feeding tube backpack on, or unable to speak as clearly as other kids? I hope that as they grow older they can back up each other and protect each other, and to be on the same team. I wonder if the one boy (who was the instigator) has older siblings or cousins who have teased him in a similar way, which is why he thinks it’s ok to treat younger kids that way!
They’ve got each others’ backs!
Have you been in this type of situation? If you haven’t, what do you think you would you have done? Parents of older kids, any suggestions for things to say to kids who are bullying others?
eggplant / 11716 posts
How horrible! I guess it’s because I’m a teacher, but even though I am *extremely* non confrontational, I have 0 issues saying something about being nice to kids under the age of 14-15 or so. After that age, I’m not sure if they are going to like, pull out a gun or something, so then I would just leave. =)
But I even heard a random girl bullying another random girl (they were probably 10-12 years old), and I plainly told the bully she was being rude, and I didn’t want to hear any more of it. And I told her that her parents would be ashamed of her, haha. Then she tried to tell me her parents agreed with her (she was saying extremely, extremely racist things to the other, younger girl). Anyway, then she ran off and presumably went home. My husband was mortified that I “got involved”, but I just can’t see something like that go on and not do something.
If it were my own child, I would probably say something like, “that’s not a very nice thing to say. Would you like it if someone said that to you?”.
Ugh…kids. I try to remind myself that they are someone’s kid and someone loves them and they are just a kid and learning societal boundaries and need pointers. But it’s hard when they are total stinkers like that!
grapefruit / 4120 posts
I would probably have said something to the kids AND asked who their mom was. I’m confrontational like that. I think it’s good for kids to work things out for themselves but that would have just broken my heart.
pomegranate / 3565 posts
I’ve taken my husband’s approach on the matter because it made sense to me. If kids are the same age, he tends to stay out of it and lets them work it out themselves. Our boys are little so we still tell them to play nice, share, etc. But if an older child is picking on a younger one, he thinks that is bullying and says something.
In your situation, I would have said something even though I am very non confrontational. Nothing ugly – just curt and to the point that it is ugly and unacceptable behavior.
nectarine / 2085 posts
I’ve been there. I have generally maintained a policy of not reproaching other people’s children unless someone is in imminent danger, but as my child gets older, I have found that I no longer think that policy works very well. I have been thinking lately about what I’m willing to say to other children. I agree that children should be able and encouraged to work out their differences and talk through their feelings, but I don’t see any reason to tolerate outright cruelty. To be honest, I don’t think it is normal for little kids (the elementary/Kindergarten/preschool set) to be nasty to others.
grapefruit / 4120 posts
@Mamasig: Yes. I agree. Different ages to me makes it not a “work it out yourselves” situation.
blogger / eggplant / 11551 posts
That’s terrible!! It breaks my heart that he was the victim of that, even though he had no idea what was going on. K sounds very similar to N in terms of temperament. Who knows what I would’ve done if placed in that exact same situation – I can see myself going both ways, but this gives me a lot to think about!
pomegranate / 3127 posts
I don’t think that kids who are bullying will stop and think that is inappropriate unless an someone says something to them, especially if they’re also young. I don’t make a big deal of it, but if their parents are halfway across the playground/not watching their kids, I’ll get involved. DS gets plenty of chances to work out conflicts himself at day care, but if a bigger kid picks on him, they’ll have to deal with me until he’s big enough to stand up for himself.
pomelo / 5628 posts
I’m starting to learn my tendencies and I definitely would have said something to the kid. Basically, it’s not nice to make fun of other kids. This weekend we went to a restaurant with a sand play area. I held my tongue with a kid who was basically attacking this other kid (climbing on him, wrestling, but not hitting) because it seemed like they knew eachother. But I watched it very closely.
But after some kids ran over D when running was not allowed, I told the kid it’s not okay to run here.
I would never touch another child, but I will enforce the rules.
cantaloupe / 6730 posts
I think this is a case of “it takes a village to raise a child” and I would have said something. Bullies continue to bully until someone stands up to them. And by saying nothing, we tell him that he can get away with this behaviour. There has been a lot of talk about being against bullying and having zero tolerance for it in schools, but unless we find the voice to say something when we see it, all the campaigns in the world won’t stop it. Now, having said that, this hasn’t happened in my hearing yet, so we’ll have to see if I “walk the talk”.
kiwi / 500 posts
I was kind of In a pickle myself yesterday at the playground. My daughter was going down a spiral slide when a girl, Probably just a few years older and her brother was hanging out at the bottom of the slide. When DD made it down, she tried to excuse herself and try to make her way off the slide. I was standing off to the side, far enough That I was probably out of sight, but Close enough where I can see everything going on. The Older girl (maybe 7-8 years old) squinted her eyes and pursed her lips and put up her finger so as to gesture “im not letting you off.” Omg. My blood was raging. My daughter would definitely be scared to be approached in that way. She’s very sensitive to mean gestures.
I marched over and never did say a word but I’m sure just my body language and stance was enough to show her mama bear was here and not happy.
I thought about that moment a lot afterward. Not sure how to feel about what happened, about how I reacted. I think had her parent been present I would have no problem having a quick and civil exchange with them. But bullies probably do it when their parents arent close by. I would feel extremely uncomfortable speaking out to someone’s child. But push comes the shove, I will stand up for my kid especially to show her that you have to stand up for yourself.
I try to stay out of kid on kid conflicts If they seem like healthy spats. But if someone’s going to genuinely feel afraid, I draw the line.
grapefruit / 4923 posts
oh this is so hard and it breaks my heart. i know there are a lot of good reasons for letting kids work things out themselves, and i’m glad K didn’t take any notice. if the same thing had happened and my LO had noticed and was scared/upset, i would have said something to the other kid, and afterwards talk to LO about what he could do if something similar happened in the future.
i’m surprised by that kid–he must have had something else going on.
apricot / 263 posts
I also struggle with whether/when to intervene versus letting kids work stuff out themselves. We had a situation at the playground last summer where LO met a little boy around her age and they had a short, friendly interaction before going off in separate directions. Later on, I saw the little boy being picked on by some older boys, who were dumping sand on his hair etc. He was obviously upset and turned around to see LO playing in the sandpit by herself, with a little plastic shovel. He SHOVED her and took her shovel without saying a word.
It was fascinating–and depressing–to me to see how these kinds of power dynamics start so young or seem to be hardwired into humans. The little boy was picked on, so he found someone even smaller to assert his authority over. It was practically instinctual. DH and I were both at the playground, watching the situation unfold, and ultimately decided not to say anything because LO seemed to handle it well– her lip trembled, but she didn’t cry and she wandered off to do something else. I noticed that the little boy’s parents were sitting on a park bench, absorbed in their phones and not watching anything. ARGH.
grapefruit / 4819 posts
This makes me so sad for K. I have so many fears about this as DD1 is of a similar temperament and I worry about how she will navigate the tricky world of childhood friendships/social interactions. I agree with the PPs who said that there is a difference between kids of the same age sorting out their differences and an older child(ren) picking on a younger child. That is just bullying full stop and needs to be stopped. I would have said something to the children along the lines of that not being very nice and then asked what their names were. If it didn’t stop, I would have taken my kids and left the playground, after saying something further to the kids along the lines of their behaviour not being acceptable and how I know their parents will be disappointed in them.
Such a crappy situation – I know being a helicopter parent isn’t good for kids, but standing by and watching other kids be mean to them is the worst.
cantaloupe / 6131 posts
I was picked on a lot as a kid. My parents always took the approach of letting me try to deal with it, but would want as many details as possible during our discussions about our days. They would give advice on how to handle it next time and wait, probably on pins and needles, to see what happened the next time. They would spend a lot of time pumping me up in the car on the way to school, tell me they loved me, and that they would be praying for me. If there was a next time, they would again ask for all the details and then would gradually escalate their involvement. The second time they might ask me to point the kid out at drop-off and many times, I later found out, they would sorta hide and watch without my knowing. I think part of it is they wanted to see if things were really as bad as I described and observe the situation. Basically, if after the second time it didn’t stop they got involved and confronted the kid(s). If it went on after that, teachers and principals would get involved because they wanted a neutral arbiter with the other side’s parents. It was a good balance for me because I knew I could tell my parents everything that was going on, know they would give me good advice and express their confidence in me to be a good person, but would literally leap out behind a tree and talk to a bully if things reached a certain point beyond my control. So I got both the concept that I should stand up for myself, but that my parents had my back. It’s partially why when later I encountered more serious abuse I knew to go immediately to my folks who shut that mess down in a nanosecond.
grapefruit / 4923 posts
@gingerbebe: thanks for sharing this. it’s nice to hear about the child’s perspective. sounds like your parents were very caring and thoughtful.
guest
my daughter is only 2 but already we have experienced some bullying from 3 year olds in her new ballet class. She had no idea what was happening so I tried to ignore it but eventually one of the girls would not get out of her face, Finally I just gave her a stare and said, are you being nice? And she backed off. But I was completely shocked that this was happening already.