While I am most definitely a ‘planner,’ I would say it wasn’t until Mr. Milk and I found ourselves with a great deal of thinking and talking time while living in Cambodia that we were able to really dive into planning our future as a family. Without meaning to, we essentially talked through and laid out clear-cut five, ten and twenty year plans for our life together.
Part of the five year plan included the sweet guy we welcomed just one year after returning home. While we initially thought we would wait until closer to 2015 when we had been married a solid five years, something about engaging in the family culture of Cambodia, where welcoming children is a natural (and expected!) progression in the life of a couple, pushed our thinking AND our timeline forward. Having Will before we planned to also has shaped our mindset that children don’t have to mean ‘the end’ of anything, and guides our approach to parenting and life as a family of three.
The next great adventure of the five year plan is the hope of taking this little family (with one more kiddo, by then, biology-willing) to live and work abroad. While Mr. Milk and I both love our current jobs, we find the appeal of crossing cultures to build our life too hard to ignore. We’ve always enjoyed exploring new places, especially together – beginning with an around the world trip we took together right after college, to the summer we spent road-tripping across the U.S. We would love for our life to be full of those little moments that stretch our comfort zone and push us to grow personally and professionally. We also fundamentally enjoy people and value learning from others – particularly people from cultures and countries different than our own.
Of course, knowing such a huge thing is in ‘the future’ has given me a great deal of time to ponder the pros and cons of making this decision. Most especially, I am trying to be acutely aware of how following this path will affect William, future-kid-two, and our families.
If/when we move abroad, there is sure to be lots of Skyping!
Here is what I have come up with, but I would love your thoughts and comments- especially if you lived abroad as a kid, know someone who did OR are doing so with little ones now!
PROS of Raising Kids Abroad
- experience various other cultures and peoples, hopefully leading to a broadened worldview and compassionate heart
- learn new languages
- so much great food and ingredients not available in the US! Wider palate because of this?!
- education from potentially strong, welcoming international schools
- friends all over the world
- seeing the world! Lots of experiences many never have, like swimming in oceans far from the US, hiking amazing mountains, visiting natural and man made wonders of the world.
- lots of exciting change, hopefully creating a flexible, friendly kid
- family can have extended visits, including grandparents perhaps coming for a few months at a time – LOTS of quality time
CONS of Raising Kids Abroad
- lack of stability (not all personalities like change!)
- holidays away from home and no set-in-stone traditions; miss the day-to-day interactions with aunts, uncles, grandparents. Lots of love and catching up via Skype, which just isn’t the same as frequent, in-person interaction
- potentially not-great schools in certain places
- exposure to many different diseases that are eradicated/minimal in US
- no neighborhood to bike around in, find friends in, and play games in (some of MY personal favorite childhood memories)
- miss out on cousins/family big events like birthdays, weddings, births etc
- potentially very challenging to re-assimilate into home culture/ seen as ‘weird’ by kids in US
This doesn’t capture it all, but it does reflect my initial thinking. What might I be missing, on both sides? What are your thoughts on raising children abroad?
apricot / 490 posts
PRO – More affordable and more normalized to have domestic help, which becomes like your family, if you live in many places.
CON – The “American” schools can be $$$$ or else deal with local schools. That said, Barack Obama went to a local school in Indonesia and he turned out great!
pineapple / 12566 posts
Where would you consider going if you were to live abroad?
We have been living abroad for the past 3 years and the pros definitely outweigh the cons on most days.
Pros: Language, my children are trilingual and they get a fair amount of exposure to other cultures too. Because of where we live, we have a lot of opportunities to travel to places that are much easier to reach than from the US.
Cons: We live in an expat community and don’t have many ties with the locals, but that is mostly because of the language barrier. That said, there are tons of fascinating expats that have become good friends! Your point about not having a neighborhood hasn’t been true for us. You can build your network wherever you are; we met our closest friends at the neighborhood playground!
cherry / 237 posts
I disagree with two of your cons; they might not be as awkward or negative as you fear.
1. We currently live far from my parents & siblings, and therefore miss out on the day-to-day interactions with extended family, even though we’re all in the US. We may only see them a few times a year, but the kids (first wave kids are 3yo, 2nd wave are newborns/expecting) have had NO TROUBLE jumping right back in and absolutely loving their time together. Also, technology totally helps with this! We skype my parents a LOT so that my little dude can play with them long-distance.
2. Moving frequently, within or outside of the country, doesn’t mean you miss out on having a neighborhood to love & explore. It means you get many! We moved every two years for a while when I was growing up (all around the same state), and I have fabulous memories of ALL of those neighborhoods, friends, games, etc. If part of the reason you want to travel with your family is so that they’ll be exposed to different people and ways of life, I can think of no better example than living in many different types of neighborhoods with many different types of people.
guest
Pre-kid we lived in various parts of Africa for 10 years, and one aspect I didn’t anticipate when considering raising a family overseas is that our child would be part of the elite. I think it’s important to expose kids to culture outside of the US, but it’s another thing altogether to realize that he’ll be associating almost exclusively with rich kids/expat kids at the American school, and will find doing chores a real challenge when there’s household help around.
blogger / apricot / 310 posts
@teawithpaloma: these are great to add – thank you! and I think I would actually prefer local schools in many potential locations, so you’re point is very well received
@lamariniere: you’re so right about the con, with the expat community but that it can provide that community/neighborhood we’d miss in the US! and we are open to anywhere – we’d likely look to move around via the government with my husband’s job.
@kgbee: such great points! I was definitely thinking more ‘traditionally American’ when i thought about the neighborhoods our kids would miss out on. But I am in total agreement with you about both of these points – and hearing your own story and happy memories makes me so completely excited and give me confidence that we’d be making a good choice for us and our kids. thank you!
@Sylvia: such a great point! we noticed this in our living in Cambodia about being part of the ‘elite- which may lead to my exact opposite intended effect of raising our kids in various cultures – and your point about household help is well taken! we’d have to think about how to handle this. thank you for this food for thought- exactly what I was hoping for!
wonderful pear / 26210 posts
I think it’s possible to raise citizens of the world even if you never have the experience of living abroad, it’s about your attitude more than anything, really. Understanding that things are done differently and no way is better.
I think what tends to happen when families move abroad is that they’re there for a short time (relatively) and they stay in the expat community rather than going local.
blogger / apricot / 310 posts
@looch: so true, on both counts! I definitely don’t think that even if we never lived abroad that we wouldn’t try diligently to raise citizens of the world (love that term, thanks!). And I so agree about sticking completely to the expat community and not being able to be a true part of the local community. That was actually something my husband and I discussed extensively, as when we were in Cambodia, we were very much in the culture – living with Cambodians, speaking the language every single day to accomplish basic needs, etc- and how we’d likely never have that experience again even if we did live and work abroad. I’d love any thoughts you have on raising global citizens here or abroad!
pomegranate / 3053 posts
It really depends on where abroad. We moved to probably the most child friendly and safe country in the world (Taiwan). Okay, maybe not, but it sure feels like it. Everywhere we go they put kids as a priority. Adults can’t eat or drink on the train but kids (no age limit, but more like 5 and under) can. You get on the train with kids and immediately people get up (even the elderly!) to let you sit. I usually decline with the elderly though. I feel embarrassed they are standing up for my wild boys.
There are SO many restaurants with an attached indoor playground and play areas. They have sessions so if you want to go for lunch you reserve the 11/11:30 A.M. slot and you get to stay there until about 2 P.M. Moms/dads chat while their kid(s) play nearby. Some of these are so big that you have to follow them around. Even the fine arts museum caters to kids by having a children’s exhibit almost all the time and there’s also another one of those play area restaurants on the same level as the children’s exhibit. There’s so much more but I think you get the idea.
Schools – We were lucky to live in an area with good local schools. We have the option to go to the American school here but we’re not going to, even if it’s an excellent school. I think most kids who graduate from there go to Ivy League schools. I want my kids to be completely fluent by the time we leave here b/c it’s important for me that they learn their own language. We may never get this opportunity again. Plus, they can teach them the culture much better than I can. I’m amazed at how much my oldest is learning at his local Montessori school. He’s in kinder and can speak and write in English and Chinese now. He can read in English and is starting to recognize more and more Chinese words each day. The only downside to local schools is that even if they offer English classes, they don’t offer 1st graders that much English. My son will be way ahead of all the kids in his class I’m sure as they will only be learning the ABCs. I will be supplementing his English with an English tutor then so he won’t be too behind when we move back to the states. There’s a lot to think about when you send your child to a local school. I will have many challenges myself as a parent such as being able to read everything in Chinese. My reading ability is just okay so I’m going to need some help from my mom. Haha!
Community – Maybe b/c I speak the language fluently, it’s easy for me to get around and I easily make friends everywhere we go. However, I find that the local parents at my son’s school seem intimidated to talk to me b/c they think I can’t understand them or speak well. One very kind mom befriended me from the moment we met. Unfortunately, although her son really likes my son, he is soooo shy he hardly speaks to my son. : But we still try to have play dates for them anyway to help them get comfortable with each other. As for staying within the expat community, I generally do only b/c I joined a weekly playgroup and am now leading it so everyone I meet through there are expats. Oh well. It’s okay, though, because I get it why expats generally stay together. We can relate to each others’ lives and can help each other acclimate to the new city and culture. It really helped me, even if I have relatives here and used to come back here all the time as a child. The only downside is that you’re always saying bye to people every year. I guess you get used to that after a while. I’ve already had to say bye to a couple of friends I’ve met since moving here 1.5 years ago.
Stability – Yes, this is huge. My oldest went through a really exhausting phase during the months we were moving. My husband had to leave first, then I had to deal with the move, move out of our house into a relative’s house for 1.5 months, and then finally move to our new home here (took a total of 3 months). Then waited for our furniture and car to arrive 2 months later. Everything got turned upside down for him. Nothing was familiar. Even having sent some of his toys ahead of time didn’t help. It went on for about a year. Thankfully, he adjusted to school pretty quickly and is doing really well now there. But the process to get there was really tough on him. He also had a very needy younger brother who used to get his way just so we didn’t have to hear him tantrum on the floor for 20 minutes multiple times a day. I’ve been working on his little brother for a while now and he’s gotten much better but the jealousy still continues with my oldest. I think it also depends on your child’s personality. I think if my youngest was the oldest he would have taken it better. I don’t think any parent can really prepare their child(ren) for an overseas move. I have to give it to those parents and their children b/c it is NOT easy, especially those who have to move every few years.
Sorry this was so long, but just wanted to share my overseas experience. I do miss the U.S. a lot! I want a good burger and some Popeyes chicken! Haha!
wonderful pear / 26210 posts
@Mrs. Milk: I think it changes when you have kids in school, honestly. If you’re going to be moving around a lot, you want them to be able to have continuity in their schooling and be at grade level, as opposed to have them continually fall behind because they don’t know the local language. It’s easier to live among the locals when you’re going to be there for the long haul, or don’t have kids in school.